Tag Archives: dating

Is hooking up bad for us once we have stopped hooking up???

I am not here to belabor the “sinful repugnance” of hookup culture as our grandparents or parents might. Kids these days…. Nor am I here to bemoan a bygone era of dates to the soda shoppe and nice boys asking permission to court a man’s daughter. They are over and there is no point whining about yesteryear.

Yet, we have to ask ourselves, is hookup culture “bad” for us?

Something like 70% of college students will experience a casual sexual encounter during college. Why? It is fun. It is exciting. It is hip. Who does not want to feel desired?Hookup culture can be empowering. It is a chance to experience a diverse array of sexual situations with many different partners. Casual sex can be a great way to try new things like toys and positions. It is a chance to learn good communication skills and better express ourselves in vulnerable situations. It can increase sexual aptitude. But it can also hurt us when feelings arise and human decency is absent from purely physical encounters.

Sure there are some negative ramifications for those who invest in and participate wholeheartedly in the endless buffet of sexual encounters that permeate college campuses. Yet, there were negative components to dating in 1950 and courting in 1850 and arranged marriages in 1500. It is therefore silly to assume that there are no consequences to whatever mating style we are experiencing this century. But what I want to discuss is how the ghosts of hookup culture follow us out of the dorm rooms and into the adult world. What happens when we are tired of meaningless sexual encounters and actually want real monogamy??? How does the hookup culture influence the dating choices we make long after we have left the frat basements???

Everyone’s sexual experiences are different. For some it is a chance to explore their sexualities in a way that is vulnerable, empowering, and fun. For a lot of millennials, they feel that sex should not always be confined to committed relationships. Sometimes they just want sex. For fun.

Hookup culture does not always create baggage, sometimes we enter hookup culture with our own baggage and that correlation does not equal causation.

However, I am not saying that all hookups are great sexual experiences where both the man and woman orgasm, high five and then get dressed and go on their merry ways, grinning ear to ear with that post sex glow and a sense of liberation. Hookup culture does not always stay in hookup culture, and that sometimes its baggage can follow participants into their next relationships.

  1. There is a strong correlation between hookup culture and women who say “men ain’t shit” 

Sometimes hookup culture breeds a sense of mistrust between genders. Hookup culture is meant to be “carefree” and “easy” and “fun” right? Yet it often ends up turning men and women against each other after the initial thrill wears off and reality starts to set in. Sometimes women learn from hookup culture that all men want is sex and men learn that all women are “hoes.” This carries into later life stages when people actually want to date and marry and settle down, but they find that those feelings of resentment and mistrust still exist. In college, hookup culture is easy because it is assumed that almost everyone is interested in the same thing, meaningless sex, but now that that is no longer the case how can you decipher who wants more and who is still in it for the physical?

Likewise, hookup culture is not really about compassion or respect, it is in fact pretty selfish. It is sometimes about meeting your own needs and getting in and out quickly with very little regard to other people’s feelings. Too often it is a direct negation of feelings and a deliberate effort to diminish and underestimate encounters. Most of the time people get ignored and treated poorly for the sake of maintaining the image that it was all “meaningless.” It is easy to see how these sentiments might breed a sense of mistrust between genders if you spent years of college life, and perhaps beyond, getting treated like a masturbation toy or being ignored by people whom had seen you naked and vulnerable, even if that is what was preferred at the time.

2. Hookup culture is kind of cold…

Hookup culture can antagonize feelings, attachment and even basic human kindness in favor of no-strings attached, meaningless, casual, carefree sex where feelings are the enemy. The logic behind hookup culture goes something like this: if relationships are about mutual respect, kindness, empathy, compassion, meaning and selflessness, in order to make sure that a hookup remains the meaningless antithesis of a relationship it must be devoid of all of those things. In fact just so everyone is clear how meaningless and truly casual a hookup is, it must be disrespectful, unkind, apathetic, disinterested, meaningless, and selfish, lest anyone mistake a hookup for something more. This might work well for those in the college arena who are merely looking for sex and are not interested in a relationship at the time, but let us not believe that this is an attitude that can just be dropped once the diploma is in hand.

Hookup culture can teach and prepare participants to treat sex like NBD and therefore the people they have sex with are NBD. Hookup culture sometimes encourages participants to turn a blind eye to the humanity of the people they get with. They are just mediums of pleasure and nothing more. Men become susceptible to actions and attitudes that objectify and demean women, while women adopt attitudes of suppressing feelings, fearing commitment, not standing up for themselves and treating their partners with aloof indifference. This is a hard cycle to break and I can see why. It is difficult to go from training one’s self to treat sex with a blase approach to experiencing it as a meaningful, loving component to commitment.

3. Hookup culture creates bad habits 

Hook up culture is actually a lot like porn. It is addictive. it is cheap. And most of all it creates unrealistic expectations. I am legitimately worried how I am going to keep the sexual attention of my future husband/monogamous partner knowing that like most of our generation he probably engaged in the hookup culture. How can I, as one woman, possibly keep a man’s interest sexually who spent years of college and young adulthood getting sex from different women. Even if I am 100000x better in bed I still cannot replace the thrill of the chase or the thrill that comes with conquering a “new woman.” How can I expect to hold his attention if the alternative to monogamy and real relationships is the addictive, ever-thrilling pursuit of new pussy that was encouraged of him in his youth?

It is positively daunting and can set up both genders to ultimately fail.  You just cannot replace the excitement of not knowing who you are going to end up in bed with no matter how great the relationship, and that is why so many people in long term relationships seek how to “keep things spicy.” Likewise, women often partake in hookup culture for the thrill of being chosen and desired by many different men, something that is not a component of monogamy. It is an aphrodisiac in itself to be picked out of a crowd of other young, hot people. This element of hooking up can create boredom or anxiety in monogamous relationships later down the road, no matter how great the relationship is.

Also, lots of hookup culture hinges off of comparison in a lot of ways. Men compare the hotness of conquests. Women compare dick size. Men compare how good she gave head. Blah blah blah. When hookup culture enthusiastically encourages as many partners as possible it is impossible for there not to be an element of physical comparison. Especially when sex is meant to be casual and shallow, there is little else to base the encounter off of besides appearance and sexual aptitude.

There is also an external social aspect of hookup culture that happens exclusively between friends in which swapping details of last night’s sordid affair makes for great conversation. It is a part of the culture to sit at brunch with your friends and giggle over what happened and who did who and how good so and so was and hot she was and yaddah yah. Yet, when comparison takes center stage this can be damaging to how individuals view sex later on in life. It can be intimidating to be in bed with a man or women that has been in a lot of other people’s beds. “How will I compare?” or “how will they compare?” becomes a hugely daunting question riddled with insecurity and anxiety.

Likewise, sex is bound to be less enjoyable for someone who has trained their perception of sex to be all about comparison. Someone who has been with a lot of people cannot help but continue to rank and compare and analyze the skills and attributes of the person lying naked next to them, and that can have a negative impact on their sex life even after they are in a relationship and there is no one left to compare to.

So what’s the verdict?

I am not here to rag on hooking up, it is an intrinsic part of our dating/mating culture now and has its merits. In most ways “it is what it is” and there is no point in whining about the good old days. But it is also naive to pretend that it is all good either, or that hooking up is always some milestone of progress for sexual liberation and empowerment. There are a lot of negative aspects and corruption that comes into play when a culture revolves around meeting only your own needs.

I get it Millennials are busy getting their lives together and hooking up seems like an effortless way to meet your own needs while also having fun, but without the rigidity of commitment. Yet, it is important to understand the impact of these seemingly “careless” and ‘carefree” sexual experiences and remember that they can influence us long after the next morning’s hangover.

*Check out this Ted Talk on the “benefits” of hookup culture. I feel like many of the perceived benefits were fleeting, short-termed, misrepresented and did little to outweigh the cons, although she presents the cons as barely more than nuisances (STDs and unwanted pregnancies and broken hearts). I am honestly shocked that some PhD advisor passed this as legit research let alone sound advice to young people.

Good luck,

Ellie xx

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Millennials vs. Vulnerability: Who is Really Winning??

 

 

What scares Millennials most in the world? The rising cost of housing? Looming student loan debt? Net Neutrality? No wifi? Negative. A Millennial’s worst fear is the prospect of vulnerability. I don’t merely mean talking about your childhood, I mean having to tell a guy you like how you really feel about them. Double texting someone that has not responded to you in four days. Having to ask someone “what are we?” *cue music from Jaws* You know what I am talking about. This sort of “put your dignity on the line” honesty is what instills fear in us like nothing else can.

To be specific, unreciprocated vulnerability is what scares us most. It is being too accessible to someone who is not accessible to us. It is crossing oceans for someone who would not cross a puddle for you. Unrequited vulnerability says I am giving more than I am getting. I am being manipulated and extorted and used. I am the only one who cares. As a result, vulnerability feels weak and exposed and helpless.

We are so terrified of being someone’s number two that we are willing to play any number of exhausting games, say any number of lies, and sabotage our own relationships to reduce vulnerability, or at least the appearance of vulnerability.

That is the thing about vulnerability in Millennials, we are far more concerned with the façade than we are what’s going on in the inside. We would rather look perfect on the outside and be a mess on the inside than vice versa. We would rather let someone we care about think that we don’t give a shit about the relationship, and its all casual and “no string attached,” but be in emotional turmoil on the inside, than tell someone what we are really thinking. We would rather make someone else feel lesser, than have to feel the pain of unrequited vulnerability. Heaven forbid someone think that we care more than they do.

As a generation, we are pretty okay with physical vulnerability like nudity and sex, it’s that emotional vulnerability that frightens us. Ironically, emotional vulnerability and physical vulnerability are deeply intertwined, although we would love to pretend that they are not. We love to separate them as estranged entities when in fact physical vulnerability is often a direct ticket to “catching feels.” From there, emotional vulnerability is the first stop on a long road trip of heartbreak and crushed self-esteem.

Now we are a generation that is ridiculously cynical when it comes to “catching feels.” And rightly so, “catching feels” is the worst. Like I would rather have my naked body dragged across hot coals and thrown into a pool of gasoline than catch feels. Catching feels is the ultimate gateway to vulnerability, and once you’ve opened the door you can’t go back. You either have to get over this person (an often long and arduous process) or dwell in emotional turmoil for an indefinite period. Yippee. Dating is so fun.

As a result, we have become a generation of defensive daters. It is all about protecting our own dignity and hearts no matter the costs. It does not matter if we ghost that guy or reject that girl and never speak to her again, as long as our own dignity is intact. As long as we have protected our hearts and minds from actually falling for someone. We don’t mind hurting someone else’s feelings as long as our own feelings are not hurt.

It is okay for someone else to be vulnerable, as long as we get to remain aloof and apathetic, because the person who cares the least is the person with all the power in the relationship. Control is power. The ability to manipulate a situation. The feeling of supremacy. The capacity to influence. For Millennials, vulnerability is a roadblock in our ability to remain in control and possess power.

Now apart from being wrapped up in a culture that tells us to care very much what others think and to groom ourselves to be perceived a certain way, being guarded is also a matter of self-respect for millennials. We see it as dignifying to be stingy with our vulnerability. We feel that our self-worth is somehow wrapped up in how much we have exposed of ourselves.

For Millennials, vulnerability is a currency, and you want to be as frugal as possible. To some extent this isn’t wrong. You wouldn’t go in the middle of the street and yell your deepest darkest secrets, not because they define you, but because you respect yourself more than to just bare your secrets to anyone. Yet, there is a fine line between self-respect and being emotionally stingy.

We have somewhat misguidedly deemed self-respect to be only investing in a relationship where we are sure to get a return. While there is truth in guarding your heart and protecting yourself, there is no such thing as a relationship with a 100% probability of investment growth. Most often a gamble is necessary. If we never take the risk there is never the reward.

This imbalance of investment that we fear so much is pretty much the root of all relational conflict. I first realized this when I was upset with a friend who I felt was avoiding me. There was no conflict. Yet I felt the distance growing between us even though we lived together. I would ask her about her day and ask her to hang out, but she was always aloof and “too busy.” It felt terrible. It took me a while, but I realized that what I was really truly upset about was not that she was not hanging out with me or spending time on our relationship, it was that I felt that I cared more about her than she cared about me.

Think about it. Whether romantic or a friendship or family relationships, relational conflict is derived from one person caring more than the other person or at least a perceived feeling of such. I think this realization was a huge step in gaining perspective about conflict. Rarely are we really upset about an unanswered text or showing up late or a failed promise. Rather what’s truly bothering us is a fear that we care about someone more than they care about us. Being on the non-reciprocated side can really hurt. It feels degrading. And as Millennials, this is a pain we are willing to do almost anything to avoid. We would rather come off as cold and aloof than lower ourselves to tell someone we care about them if we feel that it won’t be reciprocated.

I remember back in good ol’ 2003 watching Lizzie McGuire, and in one particular episode Lizzie was going to tell resident hottie, Ethan Kraft, that she had a crush on him. I remember watching in horror as Lizzie bared her soul to a guy who was nice enough, but clearly did not feel the same way about her. How could Lizzie be so stupid? Didn’t she respect herself? Didn’t she care about being embarrassed?? I remember the horror my 9-year-old self felt as I watched Lizzie throw caution to the wind and embarrass herself in font of him. Even then I saw such vulnerability as something to be avoided like the Bubonic Plague. I carried this mantra with me for the next 15 years. I would never tell anyone that I liked them unless I was sure that they felt the same. The alternative, was not just humiliating, it was a degrading shot to the ego, and totally avoidable. I couldn’t understand why Lizzie had wanted to share that info if she did not have to. No one was making her tell Ethan!

But that is the thing about Millennials. Millennnials are total control freaks. We are obsessed with trying to control and manipulate our circumstances. And when it comes to feelings and dating we want to control that too. Everything is a power play with us. Perhaps it has something to do with trying to combat our role as the world’s scapegoat. Or perhaps it is that nasty sense of entitlement we are so often accused of having. Or maybe it has to do with us being socialized to have control over everything in our lives the same way we exhibit control over other instantly gratifying things like Netflix and Uber. Either way we view control as a necessary means of achieving success and happiness. We feel that if we can just master our emotions and minimize our vulnerability then we will have total control and no one can hurt us.

The truth is that the path to successful and fulfilling relationships is paved with heartbreak and embarrassment, and yes, lots and lots of vulnerability. Maybe Lizzie McGuire had more emotional intelligence than we did back in middle school after all.

Vulnerability is what relinquishes us from the prison of perfectionism and having to maintain a façade. Vulnerability is what prepares us to be authentic and honest and communicative with one another. Vulnerability is the framework behind growth and development and self-awareness. Without vulnerability we remain stagnant. Vulnerability drives us out of our comfort zones and into our truest potential. Vulnerability doesn’t mean not caring what other people think, it is seeing the bigger picture beyond the temporary feelings of fear and anxiety. Vulnerability can be a worthwhile, calculated risk. If we never take the risk, we will certainly never get the reward.

As a Millennial myself, I totally get it. We’ve all been hurt one too many times and the wounds of our previous experiences with vulnerability still sting. We promise ourselves to be miserly with our vulnerability in order to protect our fragilie hearts. We never want to get hurt again. Yet, at some point we are going to have to humble ourselves just a bit, and go out and catch some damn feels and not expect anything in return. No 100% probability of texting back. No games. No favorably calculated circumstances. No tit for tat dating rules. No playing hard to get. No facade of nonchalance.

Maybe #livingyourbestlife does not have to always mean sipping sangria on a yacht in Spain, maybe it can also apply to scary moments of telling someone you care about how you really feel. Maybe it could even be a choice to text someone back immediately or call them instead of texting. Maybe vulnerability is not a plague to be avoided, but an opportunity to be embraced.

 

good luck,

Ellie xo

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A Quick and Simple Guide to Meeting Millennial Women

This will by no means be my last or final word on this topic. In fact, I’m just getting started.

Moreover, in this article, I will only scratch the surface. Much, much more can and will be said on this subject, however, I want to briefly go over the basics before diving in deeper.

Where in the World do you meet Millennial Women?

Ah. The classic lamentation yelled from the city rooftops, the Facebook Newsfeed, and the bowels of 4chan.

Yet, maybe that isn’t a complaint you can relate to.

Maybe you’re wondering where you can meet quality Millennial women.

Or, more still, maybe you believe none exist at all!

Well buckos, good news, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

While the advent of feminism, the introduction of birth control, and the incredible advancements of technology have forever altered the landscape we now find ourselves in, the game is still the same:

Maximize your physical appearance + Talk to girls.

That’s it. That’s the “secret formula” all the players use, from Casanova all the way to Chad the Football Quarterback.

But what really has changed?

The aforementioned.

Female empowerment. Feminism. Whatever you want to call it. This has resulted in women entering the workforce and no longer requiring a man for financial support.

What does this mean for you?

Women no longer need men.

As a result? Male neediness is even more unattractive.

There’s a bit more to it than this, however, for the purpose of this article, we’ll leave it at that.

Up next, Birth Control.

Condoms. IUD. Spermicide. The “pill.” Pick your poison, because there are plenty of contraceptive options to go around! And what did this little variable change? A lot, actually.

Sexual encounters have been cheapened.

What was once deemed a special and sacred act one would only do with their life partner–as it would result in a baby!–it can now be done with any stranger you meet on the internet! Yippee!

While the biological response of sex remains the same (neurotransmitters and hormones that create feelings of trust, love, attachment, etc.), it is now entirely different on a cultural level.

To your average Millennial, holding hands in public means much more to them than an all-night fuck-a-thon into the wee hours of the morning.

And Technology?

We live in a brave new world.

No longer must you call your sweetheart’s landline and have an awkward conversation with one of their parents just to schedule a date.

No longer must you go days without any interaction from the opposite sex if you’re trapped at your parents’ house for Christmas.

No longer must you even need another physical body to get sexually aroused.

Times are a-changin’.

So, what should a young up-and-coming millennial skirt chaser take into consideration when it comes to technology?

Speed of communication.

The amount of time it takes to meet a dozen women has been reduced tenfold. There’s no need to hit the sidewalk and block out time doing, “approaches,” when you can simply download an app and begin swiping away.

Let’s briefly recap what we’ve learned before I lay out your battle plan.

-The Formula for meeting women = Maximize your physical appearance + Talk to girls.

Always has been, always will be.

-The Changed Variables of our Time:

–1. Neediness is now significantly more unattractive.

–2. Commitment is now considered a much more valuable commodity than sex.

–3. The speed at which you can now meet and subsequently schedule dates and meetups with women has been drastically reduced.

Great. Now that we know what we’re dealing with, what’s our plan of attack for consistently meeting high-quality millennial women?

Step 1. Download Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

Depending on where you are located internationally, Badoo may be an option as well. Aside from these, ignore all other apps. Hinge, Plenty of Fish, etc. are all useless.

Now before you say, “Only hoes use those apps, blah, blah, blah…”

You’re right. Hoes do use these apps. Hoes also use the sidewalk. And go to the grocery store. They’re everywhere.

You’re not going to be swiping on goddesses every single time, but you’ll find some gems here and there. Moreover, if you’re struggling to get going in real life–you have a small social circle or are too anxious to ask out a girl in person–online dating will help you get your feet wet and get you moving in the right direction.

I’m not going to go into detail with what your photos, bio, etc. should be, that’s for another post, just use common sense and don’t put up anything ugly.

It is worth noting, however, that if you put in that extra bit of effort to have a few great photos–maybe even some that have been professionally taken–you’ll be miles ahead of the pack.

If you use these apps consistently, you should be able to land several dates per week.

Don’t overthink the “opening message” either.

A simple one that will get you spotted amongst the forever lapping tide of, “hey whats up,” messages a girl has in her inbox is, “Let me guess… you’re [insert ethnicity or nationality here].”

That’s it. That should land you plenty of replies.

Feel free to experiment with something else, but be sure to use a little novelty. Don’t over do it, but do make an effort to not send them something generic.

Step 2. Approach 1-2 girls (or more) every time you leave the house.

Whatever you’re doing, whether it’s for work, play, or an unfortunate and unplanned trip to the pharmacy, make it your mission to approach 1 or more women while you’re out and about.

Don’t overthink this either.

Depending on where you are, just make up some bullshit circumstantial reason to ask them a question, then go from there.

For instance, if a girl is sitting in a coffee shop, you could ask her about her laptop bag because you’re looking for one to buy your sister for her birthday.

(Note: Don’t worry about, “lying,” like this to have something to say. You can tell her it was bullshit later. If it does end up turning into something serious, she’ll love that your relationship began the same way every stupid rom-com starts.)

If you feel like the interaction is going well, it is perfectly normal to ask for her phone number before you leave.

You could also rehash our now classic, “Let me guess…” line if need be, however, unless you’re at a bar or nightclub, I’d avoid asking about their race or nationality.

In this case, it is far better to make it again something circumstantial that has to do with your environment.

Example: “Let me guess.. you’re a student at [xyz school that’s a few blocks away].”

If anxiety gets the best of you when doing this, take baby steps.

Start by just asking women questions or complimenting them, then walking away.

As you get more comfortable, you can push the interactions a little farther each time.

Step 3. Follow the above and you’ll be swimming in ass.

I’m kidding. Well, not really.

Since we know that no one does jack shit and there’s no competition, you probably will be.

While everyone else has their face glued to their Instagram and Facebook, you should have no issue standing out, especially if you follow step 2.

In this age of Soyboys and #MeToo accusations, no one approaches women during the day anymore, so you’ll stick out like a sore thumb.

Ayo hol’ up, so what you be sayin’ about meetin’ high quality women?

Good question – I almost forgot.

While the above is guaranteed to help you meet more women, meeting high-quality women is something you’ll have to filter and screen for yourself.

Now, you could make it a point to join your local Polo team and become a member of the high-end country club down the road, however, that could be a mute point.

You need to decide for yourself what makes a woman high quality, and, likewise, recognize that meeting women is a largely a numbers game.

So whether you’re looking online or in person, quality women will be there, you just need to give it time.

In other words, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you may need to catch a lot of fish before you get a good one.

So get off the internet–unless you’re on the dating apps of course–get out of the house, and get going.

-Your Pal,

Luke

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Dear Men, here is the fool proof way to see if a girl is worth of your time

I know there is this stigma out there that animosity exists between women with different sexual choices, like hoes hate virgins and nonpermiscuous women despise “sluts” and that’s why there is so much “slut shaming” and bullying that occurs. That women are threatened by women who make different choices, or that they are unaccepting, or jealous, or insecure. The truth is that most women are not concerned with another woman’s sexual choices unless she herself is insecure which is more telling of her than the so-called “slut”( or if the woman’s sexual choices directly affect her or her romantic life). But contrary to MTV and Bravo most women do not go around stealing each other’s boyfriends.
When women choose to antagonize other women based on their sexual choices it is just fuel to an already smouldering fire of stereotypes and judgement. When women judge one another for sexual choices that differe from their own, they reinforce the idea that virgins are snobby, prudes or that promiscuous women are shady and disloyal. It also creates spaces for men to say the same things to and about women. Girls that insult and belittle other women are indirectly training men to do the same. If we don’t play nice with each other why would we expect them to?
I myself have many a friend who I would say are “hoes” in the sense that they have received a fare share of dick in their day and are proud of it. And guess what, this might come as a big shocker but I don’t give a shit. I do not feel threatened, insecure or disgusted by their life choices that differ greatly from my own. I do not reprimand them or judge them or criticize them. You know why? Because their sex life does not impact our friendship one bit. They are good friends to me. They call me up out of the blue to ask how I am. They support me and listen to me. They are fiercely loyal.
Dear men, who think that a woman’s sexual history is an indicator of how good a wife, mother, girlfriend, etc she will be, it is irrelevant. My best friend has slept around quite a bit and is one of the most loyal women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I often joke that if I was stranded in the desert and called her up to come drive 20 hours in the middle of the night to rescue me she would be like, “I am sorry I have to get gas first, is it okay if you wait 10 min longer?” She is sincerely compassionate and empathetic and a truly wonderful human, and men would be LUCKY to be with her. I know as her best friend I might be biased, but my point is that sexual promiscuity does not discredit a woman’s loyalty.
I am sorry to all the men who have been hurt by promiscuous women, but you have to stop generalizing blame and jumping to conclusions out of your own insecurity. I don’t know if anyone has told you this but we women are not homogenous in which certain chracteristics define the whole group. For my worsmiths out there that is called stereotyping and prejudice and it has never once helped anyone on the planet ever to negatively stereotype categories of other humans. Please see any history book ever for evidence and examples. It also inhibits you from meeting some truly awesome people out there.
Sexual choices fall into the category of “ correlation not causation” in which there is a correlation between sexual choices and characteristics, but it is not a direct causation meaning you cannot draw definite conclsusions based on a woman’s sexual history. Sexual history is a messy way to define women because love is so fucking messy itself.
Love makes people crazy, it makes you rash and irresponsible and desperate. It turns responsible women into drama queens and strippers and private investigators. Meatloaf said it best when he told us he would “do anything for love” and that is wildly true in the sense that love and hormons and sex drive people to inconceivable actions. Therefore, it is not a controlled variable in determining a woman’s worthiness of your investment. It is also important to factor in other uncontrollable variables such as her relationship with her parents or a history with sexual assault and so on that impact that body count. It is just not a good item to bet on okay?

 

But I am here to tell you what you can use to draw conclusions about a woman, and it will tell you whether she is loyal, trustworthy, compassionate, and worthy of your time. Look at her friendships. This is the goldmine of comprehending a female. Serisouly throw out any other indicators because they are worthless in comparison to taking a hard look at her friendships. Here are some questions to ask:

  1. Does she have friends?
  2. How many?
  3. Are they close, intimate, soul sister friends or friends to socialize with?
  4. How often does she talk with her friends? How often do they hang out?
  5. How long has she been friends with her oldest friend?
  6. How much drama is there in her friend group?
  7. What sort of activities do her and her friends partake in? Clubbing? Binge drinking? Long walks? Travelling? A hobby? Shopping? Gossiping?
  8. How does she treat her friends? Are they priorities or afterthoughts?
  9. Does she complain about her friends or does she speak highly of them?
  10. Is she supportive of them?
The answer to these 10 questions will tell you exactly what kind of person she is and what she will be like in a relationship with you. There are no loop holes, no exceptions, no if ands or buts. A woman chooses her friends and if she chooses wisely they can encourage her to be her absolute best self, but if she chooses poorly that reflects a lack of discipline, clarity and maturity in her.
Women are the most relational gender and female friends are arguably the most powerful force on earth. I would die for my girlfriends. Nuff said. A woman’s friendships is a powerful source of love and encouragement and joy in a woman’s life that nothing else can replace, not even a man. It is a scientific fact that women have more friends than men and have stronger, deeper, more intimate bonds with their friends and that women live longer on average beause of the support of their girlfriends. The love of a girlfriend is some magic,elixir-of-life shit.
So how can those ten questions help a man to determine whether a woman is worth his effort? If a woman has had the same friends for many years it means she is loyal and trustworthy. This also means that regardless of whether she has sucked 100 dicks in her life, if she has had the same bestfriend since kindergarten you can guarantee that she is a loyal person.  I am here to tell you from 24 years of experience with female friendhips that if a girl has had a bestriend since they were kids, she is a dime piece and you would be lucky to have someone as loyal and supportive as her.
Friendship is hard, but if you can last over 10 years with the same girl by yourself you have proven yourself to be loyal and empathetic and compassionate and supportive in a way that no other characteristic can reveal so clearly. This girl loves fiercely and stands up for those she cares about, she invests in relationships for the longhaul and prioritizes others’ needs. If this is how she treats her girlfriends, it is direct depiction of how she will treat you. You want to be treated well and loved hard? Get yourself a girl with a posse of close soul sisters whom she has been friends with for the past decade.
However, if it looks like she is constantly cycling through friends it means she is disloyal and not particularly adept at relationships of any kind. This is the woman you want to stay away from, not the slut, not the whore, but the woman who can’t keep friendships. If she always has a lot of friend drama you can be sure that there will be ugly drama in your relationship too.
Drama is a choice. I hate it when girls complain that drama just “happens” to them all the time. No bitch you chose it. You chose to talk shit about someone else. You chose to engage. You chose to meddle. You chose to prolong conflicts. Everyone has conflict, but drama is the choice to enflate and extend conflict. If a grl chooses drama in her firendships be ready for some ugly fights, nasty words and poor conflict management in your relationship with her.
If a girl spends all her time with her friends drinking, partying and gossiping you better get your running shoes. Now I do not mean that it is a negative sign if a girl like to have fun, rather if that is all she does to socialize with friends it means she cannot have or maintain intimate relationships. It means that the extent of her ability to relate to others is limited to shallow, vapid, surface level interactions rather than true intimacy that comes with vulnerabile conversations and emotional contribution. If you end up dating this type of woman expect to be bored, unchallenged and unable to relate to her on a deeper level. She might be a good fling or a fun person, but she is not someone to spend your life with.
If a woman constantly complains abour or gossips about her friends just know that she is doing the same about you. A person who gossips and trash talks others does not need a particular reason to do so, they just do it and if you cross her path she will certaintly expel some illicit content about you to anyone who will listen. Now there is a difference between venting once in a while or the casual gossip that we are all guilty of, but if she is a chronic complainer, this is an inherent trait abscent of context. Know the difference and be aware.
So lets work to disband the eronious idea that a woman’s sexual past will define what kind of partner they will be. I have several girlfriends who have opened their legs for many a man, but that does not discredit them as wonderful life partners.
My best friend has slept with a lot of guys, many of which were one night stands or casual, drunken encoutners, but she has now been with the same guy for over a year and she is so good to him. But I didn’t need to see it to believe it. Neither is she some anomaly  because I know many more just like her. I have been friends with her for over 15 years and she is the kind of friend I would want beside me when I am hurt or elated, she is who I would tell my deepest secrets to or come to for advice and so it is no surprise to me that she is also an incredible partner to her boyfriend and that her sexual history is irrelevant. 
They say that you are the sum of the 3 people you spend the most time with, so if you want a clear image of what kind of woman you are getting involve with, look not just at her friends but how she interacts with and treats them. This is the BIGGEST most ACCURATE reading of her worthiness in your life.
There is no such thing as a woman without baggage, neither is there a man without baggage, it just looks different for everyone.
Good luck,
Ellie xx
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Millennials are all Closet Romantics

Does our obsession with casual dating stem from actually being hopeless romantics?
We are given so many choices and therefore so many more opportunity for the perfect date, the perfect partner, the perfect hookup, the perfect sex, the perfect night out, the perfect conversation. Is keeping things casual a coping mechanism in which to experience it all without having to diminish choices and commit to any one opportunity? Is casual dating actually indicative of being hopeless romantics searching for something ideal but ultimately unrealistic???
I think there really is some truth in it. I mean let’s look at the facts, based purely on the sheer amount of romantic media available to consume, our generation has been drowning in the stuff since the early 1990s. We grew up with Disney. We witnessed the boom of the rom com in the 1990s and early 2000s. We were #blessed enough to See Titanic in theaters. We were the generation in which other people’s relationships became public a la social media. We can creep on any relationship we want. We can compare and compare until we want to throw up. We can have any amount of romantic content right now all day every day.
More so than any generation before us, we have been privy to more romantic saturation than ever before. And if I had to guess we have been influenced by it. We have been conditioned to expect love. That there is someone special, “the one” if you will, out there for us all. And when we meet them it was will be instant fireworks, chemistry, mind-blowing sex, feverish, all-consuming love. Perhaps we would not admit these standards quite so blazenly, but admit it, this is what we are hoping and yearning for! This is the fantasy we have all been crafting in our heads in some way or another. We are all just waiting for our “meet cute.”
Likewise, we are a generation who has been given so many relationship/dating choices it is like going to a Vegas buffet and telling someone they can only pick one thing for the rest of their life. We millennials want it all and we want it now. This is not a nasty symptom of entitlement, it is normal response to a generation who has been fed a steady diet of instant gratification and Disney since they were children.
Via dating apps I can have sex in 30 min or less like it’s a fucking pizza delivery! And if he is not the one I can peruse no less than hundreds of dating sites and applications and filter through any number of specifications. I could date a black, Muslim, communist if that was my thing. Or a virgin, lion tamer if that got me off. And if that didn’t work we have so many communication tools and transportation networks that literally anyone on the planet could be a possibility. I could date someone in Mumbai via skype. I could whatsapp with my foreign lover in Geneva if I wanted to.
The world is literally our oyster and while this is an incredible testament to advancements in technology its got us a little fucked up. When given so many choices the worst thing we could seem to do would be to settle, especially not when there are 7 billion people out there who might be “better”. It is an anxious persons’ worst nightmare!
Why on earth would we settle down with the seemingly average bloke in front of us when there could be someone cooler, smarter, funnier, more attractive just around the corner! It is unnerving! And worst of all, we are more likely to be dissatisfied with our partner with the knowledge that there are loads more where they came from who might be better in bed, or more attentive to our needs, or make more money or be better listeners!
So what is a privileged millennial to do!? Casual dating starts to make sense when we factor in how many choices we have to sift through. Would it not be better to sample many options and keep all our burners a lit while we weed our way through the crowds of elgible, young singles? And it is better to keep things casual and free of commitment in order to alleviate ourselves from the impending damage of a broken heart while we look for “the one”.
Unfortunately this system too closely resembles a broken HR process. We sift through the choices like job applications, reduced to physical features and career choices and universities. Yet, the people we date are not resumes in a pile for an entry level job. The staggering amount of choice leaves us unfulfilled and entitled. We begin to take other humans for granted, feeling that for every hot girl out there, there are at least a hundred more with bigger tits and cuter friends to rebound with. And so the options begin to lose their humanity.  
All the while our search for “the one” revolves around our needs and wants, rather than partnership or sacrifice. And while we should not settle, our list of deal-breakers grows and grows. We need to stop and ask ourselves whether we are looking for an idea or a human being.
When our list of deal-breakers starts to outrun the things we really want and value in a life partner, it is time to ask ourselves whether we are the ones interrupting our own search and who is the search for love really about? Is it about our happiness and self-actualization, about finding an accessory to our lives, or is about finding another deeply flawed human in which to share life with? One in which we can sacrifice for and love unconditionally and root for despite a laundry list of flaws?
I recently saw this film where the characters talk about why they loved someone and they said that you like someone “because,” as in you liked someone because they were cute, charming and funny, but you love someone “in-spite,” as in you love them inspite of their annoying habits, their lame jokes, and their bald patch. This just hit me right, smack in the feels. How refreshing to see love as seeking out a flawed person instead of the perfect person, because that is the view we all need to take.
The perfect guy or girl doesn’t exist, so give up the chase now. Seriously. And the longer you continue the idealized chase, the harder it becomes to loosen your grip on those pre-determined ideals to fit your fantasy. The carousel of casual dating actually decreases our ability to be content or fulfilled by a mere mortal. 
We all claim that casual dating is “just for fun” and “nothing serious.” But frankly I don’t buy it. I think casual dating is more a defense mechanism in which to safely search for THE ONE without the fear of a broken heart. The sheer amount of choices offer a buffer to stifle a fear of ending up alone with 27 cats. We date like it is a race to get from one choice to next, lest we miss someone “good.”
Somehow we think we have beaten the system, that we really can have it all, but we are all really still just a bunch of kids hoping for a happily ever after. We pretend like casual encounters and speed dating and random hook-ups are enough to satiate us, when we are all just hopeless romantics yearning for someone perfect. When are we going to figure out that perfect does not exist???? 
good luck,
Ellie xx
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