Relax, it’s Worse Than You Think

Do you find yourself believing you’re the sole loser amidst the lions and tigers of the dating jungle?

The only one who simply can’t seem to get more than 2 matches per day on Tinder, no matter what you do? The mere thought of getting super liked is a far-off dream?

Maybe you get that jolt of dismay every time you look in the mirror and see only a protruding gut, fueled from Budweiser – the only six-pack you’ve ever owned in your life.

Perhaps you feel like a complete failure because 90% of your time at work is spent pointlessly browsing Facebook and Instagram, where you lament the way life has treated you. There you are, in your cubicle, watching Big Titty Becky go on about her skincare routine while she’s away in Croatia for the weekend.

Oh yeah, and her boyfriend just got that promotion. He’ll be getting a salary raise for a total 750k per year. I wonder what her anniversary gift will be?

And at 27 years old, your fertility dwindling, you can’t even hope to get a date.

Is life really so cruel?

Relax, it’s worse than you think.

What you don’t know is that Becky has an eating disorder, takes dangerous psychotropic medication for her depression, and bought 90% of her Instagram followers. And her boyfriend? He works 16 hours per day and they never see each other. This vacation is his first time off in 12 months.

But.. but… but.. Zac Efron is shredded and has a perfect life! What about him!!

Think again.

Before Body Makeup

After Body Makeup

And if you do your research, it is apparent he used cutting agents (fat burning drugs) to achieve the look he has.

Even his life isn’t real.

The reality here? People aren’t that great.

That superstar businessman isn’t an ultra-productive machine that makes zero mistakes and has light coming out of his ass when he gets up at 5 am to work all day.

That hot girl with the resting bitch face isn’t a do-gooder goddess who will levitate above you when you approach her.

The couple with that perfect life you see on TV? They don’t even exist.

And social media? Oh god. Don’t compare your “Behind-the-Scenes” with everyone else’s highlight reel.

Do you really think people will post themselves crying about missing their promotion on Instagram? Or how their crush ghosted them?

Not a chance.

It’s all bullshit.

With the advent of the internet, the Millennial generation bombastically overestimates the abilities and lives of everyone around them. Don’t fall for this.

Believe it or not, most people suck. Most people watch life pass them by while they dream about accomplishing things they never will.

Most people watch the guy or girl of their dreams walk right by them without as much a peep.

Most people plant their ass in front of Netflix every night instead of hitting the gym.

They’re simply too lazy to get off their fat asses and take action.

The good news? There’s no competition.

I mean it. None. Nada.

Workout for 3 hours per week, go to H&M and buy two cool outfits, then straighten-up your posture and BAM!

Everyone around you will think you’re a god damn unicorn.

So where do we go from here?

While yes, the dating environment today is a far cry from what your grand-pappy experienced, rest-assured, you put in 1% more effort than the competition and you’ll be the 1%.

That fear you experience when you walk past a hot guy/girl you want to meet? You’re not a pussy. Everyone feels it. 

That feeling of dread you get that makes you want to back out from your online date? You’re not a pussy. Everyone feels it.

That feeling of jealousy you get when you scroll through Instagram and see all those gorgeous, photoshopped and airbrushed bodies? You’re not a pussy. Everyone feels it.

The problem? Everyone believes these feelings.

It isn’t the feeling that makes you a pussy. It’s the believing.

So sit back, relax, and get ready to saddle up the fear inside you. It’s time to ride.

Now that we know everyone in our society is an insecure pussy, we also know it doesn’t take much to be a winner.

So next time you feel those feelings of dread, remember, everyone feels them too. Just be sure not to listen.

Once you get going, ignore those feelings, and put in that 1% of effort, believe me, soon everyone will think you have a perfect life and have it all together.

When was the last time one of your girlfriends talked about getting approached by a guy on the sidewalk?

When was the last time one of your guy friends said they got the numbers of two girls during the day when they were out downtown?

Probably never.

Okay, maybe once or twice. But you get my point.

While the actual rules of the modern dating jungle may be confusing as hell, it doesn’t take much to play at a high level.

Everyone listens to their fearful inner monologue and not a soul takes action.

In short: no one does jack shit.

All you need to do is get moving.

And yes, once you start taking steps in the right direction, the bitches and fuc bois will come knocking on your door. Get ready to beat them off with a stick!

Your Pal,

-Luke

First post: We are all fucked… and not in the good way

 

Welcome to 2018 where everything is easier and more accesible than ever before! Not only are movies, TV, music, food and fucking all instant, but it is now easier than ever before to hate yourself! In the mood to be objectified and manupulated? Tinder and it’s breeding ground for fuckbois has you covered! It should not take longer than 10 seconds after sending a simple hello to receive an unsolicited dick-pic! 

Having some trouble shedding those extra pounds?Not to worry! You can effortlessly peruse your Facebook page and find yourself face to face with a nauseating assortment of horrendous current world events and the obnoxious opinions and grammatical errors of your 599 closest friends and family! That ought to have you puking up your lunch in no time! 
Fancy feeling like a fat loser? Instagram is a quick, painful way to see how size zero, narcissistic twenty something models are spending their days and their parent’s money in ways that will have you wondering why on earth you are at a lame-ass nine to five instead of Soul Cycle. 
But the dating scene…*cue nausea *I find myself caught in between an aloof, self-righteous stance toward it and a full-on melt down. Okay I get it, the 50s are over. Men don’t take women on dates any more, likewise women don’t wait to put out anymore. Gender norms have been cancelled. Feminism and fucking are in and virginity and housewives are out. Times have changes. We are progressive now. Women are sexually liberated. The problem is that neither gender has a fucking clue how to respond!
 
Never before have the rules of dating been so undefined, so murky. Never before could you send a stranger a digital picture of your genetalia. Never before could you so easily get a woman to sleep with you, it is almost as if she too wanted to get laid! Amazing! Never before was it so socially acceptable for both men and women to meet and bone all in the space of three hours. It’s time to throw out the Juicy Couture tracksuit (jk these are totally still comfy af), say goodbye to Blockbuster and settle into 2018. Welcome to the jungle. 
And yet people are confused, scared, and disoriented by all this social change in gender roles or their lack-their-of. There is no longer a protocal or hegemony to keep us in check. The only rules are that there are no rules. Women can ask a man out. Men can be stay-at-home dads. Relationships don’t have be defined. You can have regular sex with your platonic friend and no one has to expect anything more. 
Yet, with so much confusion the dating terrain has become infested with scapegoats. Sluts. Fuckboys. Nice guys. Bitchy women. They are all to blame for an impossible dating climate. So we cope with this new, rugged landscape by blaming others, denying responsibilty, clinging to plausible deniability, creating impossible standards, criticizing other lifestyles, calling irresponsible behavior “empowering,” and claiming victimhood.
 As women, when we get what we want we are “empowered bad bitches,” but when we don’t get what we want we are vicims of a shameless dating culture. Without parameters, immature, hypocritical behavior abounds. But it is also a natual response to a dating scene that is basically a free-for-all fuckfest. 
Likewise, men don’t know how to respectfully repsond to a culture where women can have casual sex and don’t have to get married or have kids, and women do not know how to handle this new found freedom in healthy, responsible ways. So we end up with a culture that points fingers and whines and cries victim because they don’t like to lose a game with undefined, ever-changing rules. 
And I am there too, in the thick of it. I’ve played the sadistic texting games and swiped right and left and ghosted my fair share of decent people whom I was “bored” of. I answered the phone when my girlfriends have called in tears to tell me about getting pumped and dumped. I have listened to my fratty guy friend tell me about the “hoes” that have screwed him over and which types of vaginas he thinks are gross without a hint of irony. 

And the conclusion I have come to is that we are all fucking confused and insecure. We are hurt and scared and fumbling in a dark room where the only logical resposne is self-preservation at all costs.

So now that I’ve got you all nodding your heads fervantly, picturing all the fuckbois that did you wrong and the crippling insecurity that drove them to behave like monkeys, lets take a minute to discuss. We are all both perpetraitors and victims in this aggressive dating world.
This blog is a disucssion of dating in 2018 as we know it, why it is the way that it is and how we as responsible, respectable, mature, bad-bitches can respond to it. I am so glad that we live in a world where it is okay to be different and do life differently. I am eccsatic that women can have jobs and marry for love, and not because her parents picked out the farmer nextdoor. I have goosebumps thinking about women being more highly educated than men and being able to vote and have sex without having to wear scarlet A’s, yet this privllege comes with repsonsibilty, for both men and women. It comes with responsibilty for both the women who forge these new paths in dating and the women who choose not to. It also comes with responsibility for the men who dare to evolve with the new culture and for the men who choose not to. 
I am not here to sugar coat anything. Nor am I here to abide by any warm-fuzzy, political correctness to assuage our fragile egos. My advice is to lean into the wild diversity of dating in 2018- don’t fight it, don’t complain about it, don’t bemoan the bygone era of the 1950s and dates to the Soda Shoppe. 
Know what you want and go after it, but embrace the challenges and the opportunities that no other generation before us has ever encountered. Save the complaints for a retrospective night 50 years from now when you tell your grandchildren that they are doing romance all wrong and it is just isn’t like the good ol’ days of Tinder anymore.
As we embark on and continue in this confusing jungle of “u up” texts and “we are just talking,” let’s just all admit that this is mostly a mystery to all of us and we are really all just playing it by ear. Please don’t take yourself too seriously. 
Part of being a mature adult is understanding how much you don’t know and how much more there still is to learn. I always say that the wisest person is the person who says “I don’t have all the answers” and really means it. I would be lying if I said I was some kind of dating guru, I don’t have a fucking clue. I get nervous in front of people I find attractive. I have serious trust issues with men. Frankly I am just here offing unsolicited advice. 
But before you set your Ipad down, roll your eyes and go back to stalking your ex on Instagram, allow me to grasp at the strings of your broken, cynical, millennial hearts. Let’s discuss this crazy, new dating universe with a new dialogue, void of how we wish dating could be, and instead focus on how we can be better members of this new culture.

 

Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor,
Ellie x
 

Every Girl’s Favorite Book is Lolita

Every Girl's Favorite Book is Lolita

Do women prefer older men? Does Lolita reveal the true sexual inklings of men and women today? What the hell does this possibly perverted and somewhat twisted piece of classic literature have to do with millennials, and why in God’s name is this your first blog post??

Human beings today are unfit for the modern dating world. For the past few thousands of years, men and women existed in tribes consisting anywhere from a few scores to a couple hundred individuals max. Contraception was inconceivable. Pubic hairs ran rampant. And slut-shaming was real. Very real.

It has only been in the past century or so where suddenly penises can now enter vaginas with little to no consequence, mommy welfare state will take care of your bastard children, and your next three sexual partners are only a Tinder/Bumble/OkCupid/POF/[Insert favorite hook-up app here] swipe away.

And before all this? In these aforementioned tribes, it was typical that a man would wait until he was around ~20-25 years of age or so and then take a bride who was most likely between ~14-16 years old. Women and men pairing up early and with this particular age dynamic was the natural state of human mating since, well, forever!

A man wrapping up his willy and racking up a notch count that is higher than his undergraduate GPA was not only unheard of, but downright impossible without leaving an army of fatherless children in his wake.

And where does this bring us today? Us millennials have found ourselves in the depths of a dark and vicious dating jungle that is unlike anything the world has ever seen.

It is unfeasible to settle down before age 30 unless you’d like to be broke as a joke, the dating advice from our Baby Boomer parents is absolute trash, and the sirens call of cats and internet porn can be so strong that some Millennials give up on love entirely.

On top of this? We are now required to spend a ridiculous amount of time playing the “Dating Game” if we choose to grab our map and compass and march straight into this racy storm of heartache.

Whereas in times past they’d simply wait until they came of age, we must now maneuver and swerve our way through 40 or 50 different dates per year alongside jumping in and out of hedonistically-focused 3-month flings.

I don’t think this state of Romantic Affairs—if you can call it that—will last. Something will ultimately give.

Us Millennials must take it upon ourselves to be the next step in relationship evolution—a man/woman (or something in between?) who is capable of withstanding fragmented relationship after relationship, enduring age gaps that we believe are socially normal—but Lolita’s Humbert would find atrocious—and deciding whether committing to someone forever is even possible in our modern world.

So why, then, is every girl’s favorite book Lolita? It reveals the true yearnings found in the hearts of women. To find themselves encapsulated in the arms of an older gentleman and given an exciting, adventurous life. This is far from Mr. Safe with the white picket fence and 401k many guys believe women want.

And why, just why, was this your first blog post? The purpose of this blog is to not sugar coat the truth and tell you the world is filled with pixies, fairies, and your true love is waiting for you just around the corner. Rather, it is tell you the real truth

This blog adheres to Robert Ringer’s Theory of Reality, “Reality isn’t the way you wish things to be, or the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are. You either acknowledge reality and use it to your benefit, or it will automatically work against you.”

Upon this cornerstone of wisdom, the foundation of this blog shall be laid.

We shall begin to navigate the modern dating jungle together.

Your New Pal,

-Lucas Valentine