if you and your bros find yourself huddled around Monday Night Football, comparing chest hair, beers in hand, (idk is this how dudes hang out? Somebody verify please) lamenting the bygone era of “good girls,” allow me to enlighten you as to why you find yourself in such a slump and how you might level up to the company of good women.
First you are asking this question for 1 of three reasons
1. You are just trying to fuck
2. Your social life is bound to the party scene
3. You are an entitled prick with unrealistic assumptions about women and what you “deserve” you entitled asshole
Once you can categorize the context of this predicament you can see how you might need to alter your strategy. I have to laugh when I hear men complaining about the lack of quality women out there, and how they are all “hoes,” (it is probably the same feeling of injustice men feel when girls all over Tumblr complain about the lack of “good men”-stay tuned for more on that) because the truth is that you might be more of the problem than you think.
I am not going to spew some justification shit where I claim that all women are perfect, angel princesses with rainbows coming out of their asses, and that men ain’t shit, but a general rule of thumb that I like to gently remind people of is that if you are experiencing reoccurring problems in your dating life, it is probably you. Or can at least can somewhat be chalked up to your own behavior. Please see The Before-You-Date-Checklist.
There are for sure some low quality women out there. There are women trying to squeeze out your every last dime for child support, alimony and Balenciaga bags. There are women who actually think Amy Schumer is funny. There are women trying to affirm themselves by getting with as many dicks as possible. There are women struggling with low self worth who will act out and throw tantrums to validate themselves. There are women who poke holes in condoms. There are women who think Michael Cera’s movies are actually good. There are narcissistic and vapid women. There are women who will blame you of sexual assault just to manipulate you.
But there is really no use complaining about the kinds of women who are frankly inevitable. These women have and will always exist. They are nothing new. They are not the product of spontaneous generation, thrust upon the millennials like a Biblical plague.
The only actions you are responsible for are your own, and if you are unhappy with these types of women constantly showing up in your life it is time to make some changes in how and where you meet women, and the sorts of choices you make about who you invest time in.
This advice goes for men on all levels of the dating game, whether that be hooking up, or in relationships to looking to settle down. The point is that even if you are just fucking a girl and nothing more, that is still an investment of your time and if you respect your time you will invest it wisely in the types of women who are enhancing your life, not detracting from it. That is on you, not them.
So who are good women? What do they even look like? Where do you meet these specimens?
1. Good women are a diverse set – I mean it is subjective of course. One man’s trash might be another’s treasure, right? There is no such thing as “the perfect woman” or some gold standard in which to hold women up to. You have to let go of this idea of a single, perfect female out there.
2. I think we all know the kind of woman that men idolize: tall, blonde, long legs, big tits, “ass that will swallow up a g-string” (courtesy of Kanye). Submissive but also smart. Opinionated but also demur. Self sufficient, but is also dependent on her man. Sexually inexperienced, but also a freak in the sheets. Funny, but like not too funny. You get my point? The ideal woman is a set of contractions. She is like Peter Kavinsky, (only girls will get this reference) she does not exist. Let go of your unfathomably unrealistic standards. They are getting in the way of you seeing the everyday goddesses all around you.
3. “Good women” are not bouncing from man to man. You know the type- of course you do, we all do. She is the girl that cannot be alone. She HAS to have a boyfriend and will rebound from one to the next in like 48 hours straight. Too often, the woman most worth your time is the woman who is comfortable being alone and is secure in her identity without a man.
4. These women are not the women you meet as you stare through blurry, drunken eyes around the basement party at 5am when you don’t want to go home alone. True love is probably not the drunk girl slurring her words, with vomit dribbling down her front as she begs her friend to give back her phone so she can text her ex (although perhaps give her a few years to mature and learn to hold her liquor).
5. Be wary of women you meet out partying, or drinking, or at a bar, or similar contexts. Not because only hoes and tramps and girls with daddy issues are out at bars (duh not true) but because the stats are just less in your favor. If she is in the party phase of life, as lots of girls 19-26 are, she is more likely to just be looking for a good time and not for a meaningful relationship. Meaning that while she might be awesome for a night of debauchery, she is less likely or wanting to be a nurturing and supportive girlfriend/wife/life partner/sister wife (whatever you are in the market for).
6. So here is a fun fact about women. We will step into the roles that you give us. Treating a woman like a long term investment will inspire her to act more like a long term investment ( unless of course she does not want that). Treating a woman like a one night stand will keep her as just that (unless she wants that). It is kind of like parenting where if you treat a kid like a misbehaving nuisance, guess what, they will keep being one, but if you treat your child like a responsible child, they will step up to the plate to prove you right.
7. Don’t expect to find true love on a dating app either. Yeah yeah we all have that one friend who met her fiancee on Bumble or whatever, but please understand that they are special snowflakes and you are more likely to find a hot hookup or Friday night plans on a dating app rather than the mother of your children.
8. A good woman will be the woman with a lot of friends- good, long term friends – please see: The Fool Proof Way to see if a Girl is Worth your Time.
9. A good woman will be the woman who can handle conflict with grace and class. She is the woman who chooses her battles. Please see : The Before-You-Date-Checklist
10. Fear not! Good women are everywhere! You just have to wipe the entitled bullshit from you eyes to find them! They are in the cubicle next to you. They are walking their dog in your neighborhood. They are your friend’s friend. They are shopping for fair trade, Non-GMO quinoa at your local Co-Op. They are your accountant! (don’t be afraid of successful women who are good at math!)
Not to pick on girls who like to go out, or idealize girls who enjoy knitting on Friday nights, but from my experience those “high quality” women that men are lamenting, are usually not out busting a move at the local watering hole every weekend. So please toss out all those bar scene pick up lines. Instead, exchange them for getting to know women on a inter-personal level in an interest-based/commonality context, such as a group setting, a class, the workplace, sports, mutual friends, church, blah blah, basically anything but a situation without the pretense of “this is where people are on the prowl” (okay maybe scratch the Church suggestion). Women will be a) more receptive and less guarded about your intentions and b) less likely to just be looking for a good time and have more serious dating objectives.
So back to my first three questions.
1. You can’t be just trying to fuck and be looking for a “good woman” – the two quests are incompatible. If you are just trying to fuck you are only going to end up with girls who also just want to fuck. They might be totally awesome, empowered women, but since neither of you are expressing interest in a relationship, neither of you are going to demonstrate relationship-material qualities. She probably is not going to treat you the way a girlfriend would treat you, and so you unfairly end up labeling her a ” slutty bitch,” and in the words of the patriarchy, “you asked for it.”
2. As stated above, only meeting women who are out for a night of revelry is only going to introduce you to one type of woman, the party-er. Here is what to know about the party-er a) she is probably only looking for a good time aka not a good man so don’t be surprised if she isn’t picking up what you are putting down b) her social life revolves around drinking and going out so she might be fun, but maybe not much deeper than that (you want someone who has other interests beside mini skirts and vodka right?) c) strong correlation (not causation) to other vices you might not be fond of, like drugs or binge drinking or drunk texting her ex.
3. Also, as stated above, don’t spend your days jerking off to the idea that someday you are going to take the virginity of a Victoria Secret Angel. Don’t fixate on the ideal woman whom you think you are entitled to because you are a “nice guy.” Being nice does not mean you get to pass “go,” collect $200 and then fuck a demur, virginal, Megan Fox. Neither does being an athlete or a celebrity or being rich or driving a Tesla entitle you to some idealistic fantasy that 0.00000000000001 men will end up with. There is a big difference between men who are confidence and self-respecting and those who are entitled. Men who are entitled think they deserve women, while confident men know that they are good enough to earn a good woman. Having an entitled attitude about women blinds you to the “good women” that you probably encounter every day without even noticing. Seriously they are everywhere. Whole Foods is full of them. They love the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. Your local Cross Fit gym. In line at Chipotle. Perusing the aisles at the library. Signing a down payment for a car at the local dealership because she pays her own bills and has her life together.
The moral of the story is:
Stop your whining. Good women abound. You just need to cast aside the entitlement goggles, update your hangouts, ditch the bar scene, “next” women who are not enhancing your life, widen your gaze to the hotties in line at Trader Joes, and stop jerking off to unrealistic fantasies (*cough cough porn).
Ready. Set. Date.