Category Archives: Long-term Relationships

Where did all the “nice girls” go???

Dear men,

if you and your bros find yourself huddled around Monday Night Football, comparing chest hair, beers in hand, (idk is this how dudes hang out? Somebody verify please) lamenting the bygone era of “good girls,” allow me to enlighten you as to why you find yourself in such a slump and how you might level up to the company of good women.

First you are asking this question for 1 of three reasons

1. You are just trying to fuck
2. Your social life is bound to the party scene
3. You are an entitled prick with unrealistic assumptions about women and what you “deserve” you entitled asshole

Once you can categorize the context of this predicament you can see how you might need to alter your strategy. I have to laugh when I hear men complaining about the lack of quality women out there, and how they are all “hoes,” (it is probably the same feeling of injustice men feel when girls all over Tumblr complain about the lack of “good men”-stay tuned for more on that) because the truth is that you might be more of the problem than you think.

I am not going to spew some justification shit where I claim that all women are perfect, angel princesses with rainbows coming out of their asses, and that men ain’t shit, but a general rule of thumb that I like to gently remind people of is that if you are experiencing reoccurring problems in your dating life, it is probably you. Or can at least can somewhat be chalked up to your own behavior. Please see The Before-You-Date-Checklist. 

There are for sure some low quality women out there. There are women trying to squeeze out your every last dime for child support, alimony and Balenciaga bags. There are women who actually think Amy Schumer is funny. There are women trying to affirm themselves by getting with as many dicks as possible. There are women struggling with low self worth who will act out and throw tantrums to validate themselves. There are women who poke holes in condoms. There are women who think Michael Cera’s movies are actually good. There are narcissistic and vapid women. There are women who will blame you of sexual assault just to manipulate you.

I don’t advise trying to meet potential wives anywhere near these signs…

But there is really no use complaining about the kinds of women who are frankly inevitable. These women have and will always exist. They are nothing new. They are not the product of spontaneous generation, thrust upon the millennials like a Biblical plague.

The only actions you are responsible for are your own, and if you are unhappy with these types of women constantly showing up in your life it is time to make some changes in how and where you meet women, and the sorts of choices you make about who you invest time in.

This advice goes for men on all levels of the dating game, whether that be hooking up, or in relationships to looking to settle down. The point is that even if you are just fucking a girl and nothing more, that is still an investment of your time and if you respect your time you will invest it wisely in the types of women who are enhancing your life, not detracting from it. That is on you, not them.

So who are good women? What do they even look like? Where do you meet these specimens?

1. Good women are a diverse set – I mean it is subjective of course. One man’s trash might be another’s treasure, right? There is no such thing as “the perfect woman” or some gold standard in which to hold women up to. You have to let go of this idea of a single, perfect female out there.

2. I think we all know the kind of woman that men idolize: tall, blonde, long legs, big tits, “ass that will swallow up a g-string” (courtesy of Kanye). Submissive but also smart. Opinionated but also demur. Self sufficient, but is also dependent on her man. Sexually inexperienced, but also a freak in the sheets. Funny, but like not too funny. You get my point? The ideal woman is a set of contractions. She is like Peter Kavinsky, (only girls will get this reference) she does not exist. Let go of your unfathomably unrealistic standards. They are getting in the way of you seeing the everyday goddesses all around you.

3. “Good women” are not bouncing from man to man. You know the type- of course you do, we all do. She is the girl that cannot be alone. She HAS to have a boyfriend and will rebound from one to the next in like 48 hours straight. Too often, the woman most worth your time is the woman who is comfortable being alone and is secure in her identity without a man.

4. These women are not the women you meet as you stare through blurry, drunken eyes around the basement party at 5am when you don’t want to go home alone. True love is probably not the drunk girl slurring her words, with vomit dribbling down her front as she begs her friend to give back her phone so she can text her ex (although perhaps give her a few years to mature and learn to hold her liquor).

5. Be wary of women you meet out partying, or drinking, or at a bar, or similar contexts. Not because only hoes and tramps and girls with daddy issues are out at bars (duh not true) but because the stats are just less in your favor. If she is in the party phase of life, as lots of girls 19-26 are, she is more likely to just be looking for a good time and not for a meaningful relationship. Meaning that while she might be awesome for a night of debauchery, she is less likely or wanting to be a nurturing and supportive girlfriend/wife/life partner/sister wife (whatever you are in the market for).

6. So here is a fun fact about women. We will step into the roles that you give us. Treating a woman like a long term investment will inspire her to act more like a long term investment ( unless of course she does not want that). Treating a woman like a one night stand will keep her as just that (unless she wants that). It is kind of like parenting where if you treat a kid like a misbehaving nuisance, guess what, they will keep being one, but if you treat your child like a responsible child, they will step up to the plate to prove you right.

7. Don’t expect to find true love on a dating app either. Yeah yeah we all have that one friend who met her fiancee on Bumble or whatever, but please understand that they are special snowflakes and you are more likely to find a hot hookup or Friday night plans on a dating app rather than the mother of your children.

8. A good woman will be the woman with a lot of friends- good, long term friends – please see: The Fool Proof Way to see if a Girl is Worth your Time.

9. A good woman will be the woman who can handle conflict with grace and class. She is the woman who chooses her battles. Please see : The Before-You-Date-Checklist     

10. Fear not! Good women are everywhere! You just have to wipe the entitled bullshit from you eyes to find them! They are in the cubicle next to you. They are walking their dog in your neighborhood. They are your friend’s friend. They are shopping for fair trade, Non-GMO quinoa at your local Co-Op. They are your accountant! (don’t be afraid of successful women who are good at math!)

Not to pick on girls who like to go out, or idealize girls who enjoy knitting on Friday nights, but from my experience those “high quality” women that men are lamenting, are usually not out busting a move at the local watering hole every weekend. So please toss out all those bar scene pick up lines. Instead, exchange them for getting to know women on a inter-personal level in an interest-based/commonality context, such as a group setting, a class, the workplace, sports, mutual friends, church, blah blah, basically anything but a situation without the pretense of “this is where people are on the prowl” (okay maybe scratch the Church suggestion). Women will be a) more receptive and less guarded about your intentions and b) less likely to just be looking for a good time and have more serious dating objectives.

would 10/10 recommend a library pick up

So back to my first three questions.

1. You can’t be just trying to fuck and be looking for a “good woman” – the two quests are incompatible. If you are just trying to fuck you are only going to end up with girls who also just want to fuck. They might be totally awesome, empowered women, but since neither of you are expressing interest in a relationship, neither of you are going to demonstrate relationship-material qualities. She probably is not going to treat you the way a girlfriend would treat you, and so you unfairly end up labeling her a ” slutty bitch,” and in the words of the patriarchy, “you asked for it.”

2. As stated above, only meeting women who are out for a night of revelry is only going to introduce you to one type of woman, the party-er. Here is what to know about the party-er a) she is probably only looking for a good time aka not a good man so don’t be surprised if she isn’t picking up what you are putting down b) her social life revolves around drinking and going out so she might be fun, but maybe not much deeper than that (you want someone who has other interests beside mini skirts and vodka right?) c)  strong correlation (not causation) to other vices you might not be fond of, like drugs or binge drinking or drunk texting her ex.

3. Also, as stated above, don’t spend your days jerking off to the idea that someday you are going to take the virginity of a Victoria Secret Angel. Don’t fixate on the ideal woman whom you think you are entitled to because you are a “nice guy.” Being nice does not mean you get to pass “go,” collect $200 and then fuck a demur, virginal, Megan Fox. Neither does being an athlete or a celebrity or being rich or driving a Tesla entitle you to some idealistic fantasy that 0.00000000000001 men will end up with. There is a big difference between men who are confidence and self-respecting and those who are entitled. Men who are entitled think they deserve women, while confident men know that they are good enough to earn a good woman.  Having an entitled attitude about women blinds you to the “good women” that you probably encounter every day without even noticing. Seriously they are everywhere. Whole Foods is full of them. They love the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. Your local Cross Fit gym. In line at Chipotle. Perusing the aisles at the library. Signing a down payment for a car at the local dealership because she pays her own bills and has her life together.

The moral of the story is:

Stop your whining. Good women abound. You just need to cast aside the entitlement goggles, update your hangouts, ditch the bar scene, “next” women who are not enhancing your life, widen your gaze to the hotties in line at Trader Joes, and stop jerking off to unrealistic fantasies (*cough cough porn).

Ready. Set. Date.

Good luck,

Ellie xx

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Is hooking up bad for us once we have stopped hooking up???

I am not here to belabor the “sinful repugnance” of hookup culture as our grandparents or parents might. Kids these days…. Nor am I here to bemoan a bygone era of dates to the soda shoppe and nice boys asking permission to court a man’s daughter. They are over and there is no point whining about yesteryear.

Yet, we have to ask ourselves, is hookup culture “bad” for us?

Something like 70% of college students will experience a casual sexual encounter during college. Why? It is fun. It is exciting. It is hip. Who does not want to feel desired?Hookup culture can be empowering. It is a chance to experience a diverse array of sexual situations with many different partners. Casual sex can be a great way to try new things like toys and positions. It is a chance to learn good communication skills and better express ourselves in vulnerable situations. It can increase sexual aptitude. But it can also hurt us when feelings arise and human decency is absent from purely physical encounters.

Sure there are some negative ramifications for those who invest in and participate wholeheartedly in the endless buffet of sexual encounters that permeate college campuses. Yet, there were negative components to dating in 1950 and courting in 1850 and arranged marriages in 1500. It is therefore silly to assume that there are no consequences to whatever mating style we are experiencing this century. But what I want to discuss is how the ghosts of hookup culture follow us out of the dorm rooms and into the adult world. What happens when we are tired of meaningless sexual encounters and actually want real monogamy??? How does the hookup culture influence the dating choices we make long after we have left the frat basements???

Everyone’s sexual experiences are different. For some it is a chance to explore their sexualities in a way that is vulnerable, empowering, and fun. For a lot of millennials, they feel that sex should not always be confined to committed relationships. Sometimes they just want sex. For fun.

Hookup culture does not always create baggage, sometimes we enter hookup culture with our own baggage and that correlation does not equal causation.

However, I am not saying that all hookups are great sexual experiences where both the man and woman orgasm, high five and then get dressed and go on their merry ways, grinning ear to ear with that post sex glow and a sense of liberation. Hookup culture does not always stay in hookup culture, and that sometimes its baggage can follow participants into their next relationships.

  1. There is a strong correlation between hookup culture and women who say “men ain’t shit” 

Sometimes hookup culture breeds a sense of mistrust between genders. Hookup culture is meant to be “carefree” and “easy” and “fun” right? Yet it often ends up turning men and women against each other after the initial thrill wears off and reality starts to set in. Sometimes women learn from hookup culture that all men want is sex and men learn that all women are “hoes.” This carries into later life stages when people actually want to date and marry and settle down, but they find that those feelings of resentment and mistrust still exist. In college, hookup culture is easy because it is assumed that almost everyone is interested in the same thing, meaningless sex, but now that that is no longer the case how can you decipher who wants more and who is still in it for the physical?

Likewise, hookup culture is not really about compassion or respect, it is in fact pretty selfish. It is sometimes about meeting your own needs and getting in and out quickly with very little regard to other people’s feelings. Too often it is a direct negation of feelings and a deliberate effort to diminish and underestimate encounters. Most of the time people get ignored and treated poorly for the sake of maintaining the image that it was all “meaningless.” It is easy to see how these sentiments might breed a sense of mistrust between genders if you spent years of college life, and perhaps beyond, getting treated like a masturbation toy or being ignored by people whom had seen you naked and vulnerable, even if that is what was preferred at the time.

2. Hookup culture is kind of cold…

Hookup culture can antagonize feelings, attachment and even basic human kindness in favor of no-strings attached, meaningless, casual, carefree sex where feelings are the enemy. The logic behind hookup culture goes something like this: if relationships are about mutual respect, kindness, empathy, compassion, meaning and selflessness, in order to make sure that a hookup remains the meaningless antithesis of a relationship it must be devoid of all of those things. In fact just so everyone is clear how meaningless and truly casual a hookup is, it must be disrespectful, unkind, apathetic, disinterested, meaningless, and selfish, lest anyone mistake a hookup for something more. This might work well for those in the college arena who are merely looking for sex and are not interested in a relationship at the time, but let us not believe that this is an attitude that can just be dropped once the diploma is in hand.

Hookup culture can teach and prepare participants to treat sex like NBD and therefore the people they have sex with are NBD. Hookup culture sometimes encourages participants to turn a blind eye to the humanity of the people they get with. They are just mediums of pleasure and nothing more. Men become susceptible to actions and attitudes that objectify and demean women, while women adopt attitudes of suppressing feelings, fearing commitment, not standing up for themselves and treating their partners with aloof indifference. This is a hard cycle to break and I can see why. It is difficult to go from training one’s self to treat sex with a blase approach to experiencing it as a meaningful, loving component to commitment.

3. Hookup culture creates bad habits 

Hook up culture is actually a lot like porn. It is addictive. it is cheap. And most of all it creates unrealistic expectations. I am legitimately worried how I am going to keep the sexual attention of my future husband/monogamous partner knowing that like most of our generation he probably engaged in the hookup culture. How can I, as one woman, possibly keep a man’s interest sexually who spent years of college and young adulthood getting sex from different women. Even if I am 100000x better in bed I still cannot replace the thrill of the chase or the thrill that comes with conquering a “new woman.” How can I expect to hold his attention if the alternative to monogamy and real relationships is the addictive, ever-thrilling pursuit of new pussy that was encouraged of him in his youth?

It is positively daunting and can set up both genders to ultimately fail.  You just cannot replace the excitement of not knowing who you are going to end up in bed with no matter how great the relationship, and that is why so many people in long term relationships seek how to “keep things spicy.” Likewise, women often partake in hookup culture for the thrill of being chosen and desired by many different men, something that is not a component of monogamy. It is an aphrodisiac in itself to be picked out of a crowd of other young, hot people. This element of hooking up can create boredom or anxiety in monogamous relationships later down the road, no matter how great the relationship is.

Also, lots of hookup culture hinges off of comparison in a lot of ways. Men compare the hotness of conquests. Women compare dick size. Men compare how good she gave head. Blah blah blah. When hookup culture enthusiastically encourages as many partners as possible it is impossible for there not to be an element of physical comparison. Especially when sex is meant to be casual and shallow, there is little else to base the encounter off of besides appearance and sexual aptitude.

There is also an external social aspect of hookup culture that happens exclusively between friends in which swapping details of last night’s sordid affair makes for great conversation. It is a part of the culture to sit at brunch with your friends and giggle over what happened and who did who and how good so and so was and hot she was and yaddah yah. Yet, when comparison takes center stage this can be damaging to how individuals view sex later on in life. It can be intimidating to be in bed with a man or women that has been in a lot of other people’s beds. “How will I compare?” or “how will they compare?” becomes a hugely daunting question riddled with insecurity and anxiety.

Likewise, sex is bound to be less enjoyable for someone who has trained their perception of sex to be all about comparison. Someone who has been with a lot of people cannot help but continue to rank and compare and analyze the skills and attributes of the person lying naked next to them, and that can have a negative impact on their sex life even after they are in a relationship and there is no one left to compare to.

So what’s the verdict?

I am not here to rag on hooking up, it is an intrinsic part of our dating/mating culture now and has its merits. In most ways “it is what it is” and there is no point in whining about the good old days. But it is also naive to pretend that it is all good either, or that hooking up is always some milestone of progress for sexual liberation and empowerment. There are a lot of negative aspects and corruption that comes into play when a culture revolves around meeting only your own needs.

I get it Millennials are busy getting their lives together and hooking up seems like an effortless way to meet your own needs while also having fun, but without the rigidity of commitment. Yet, it is important to understand the impact of these seemingly “careless” and ‘carefree” sexual experiences and remember that they can influence us long after the next morning’s hangover.

*Check out this Ted Talk on the “benefits” of hookup culture. I feel like many of the perceived benefits were fleeting, short-termed, misrepresented and did little to outweigh the cons, although she presents the cons as barely more than nuisances (STDs and unwanted pregnancies and broken hearts). I am honestly shocked that some PhD advisor passed this as legit research let alone sound advice to young people.

Good luck,

Ellie xx

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How do you get a Girlfriend?

In short–you don’t.

If a girl isn’t foaming at the mouth to lock you down and become your Mrs. “[Insert name of ‘hopefully-a-stud’ here], then you wouldn’t want her as your girlfriend anyway.

And if she doesn’t pester you about your relationship status, why bother? There’s no point in giving up your singlehood for a woman who isn’t throwing herself at you.

Yet, with that in mind, it is worth discussing why girls don’t seem interested in making you their boyfriend, as there are probably one of two different factors at play.

First and foremost, you may be portraying yourself as boyfriend material too much.

“Too much?!?”

Yes, too much.

At Putting Out and Putting Up we are in tune with reality, and this means that we recognize what each sex is truly after.

Men seek sex, women seek commitment.

The inverse of this is that women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. More on this later.

“Okay, I see where you’re going with all this, but what does this mean?!”

This means that–as a man–commitment is, in essence, your pussy.

So if you’re far too willing to give it up, women will experience that same instinctual, gut-reaction telling them that something could be, “off,” that men also experience when a woman is far too willing to hop into bed.

On the flip side of this, there’s a chance that you’re depicting yourself as too much of a player.

In other words, she is perceiving you as someone who doesn’t have any relationship potential whatsoever and therefore won’t even try to lock you down.

If you present yourself as too much of a player, or “douche,” as some like to say, you’re probably not the type she’d want to bring around her friends and family anyways.

So, what’s a millennial man to do?

Your goal should be to illustrate boyfriend potential.

It’s in your best interest to not paint yourself as Mr. Safe who will provide her with a house in the ‘burbs, a white picket fence, and a moderate income salary to support 2.5 children.

While at the same time, you also want to avoid depicting yourself as Mr. One Night Stand. It’ll be tough to get her to come around for seconds if you present yourself as a total gangbanger. In addition, If you are ultimately seeking a long-term relationship, this probably won’t land you any hopeful prospects.

There’s a sweet spot to be had.

What does this mean?

You yourself should not have the end goal of having a relationship. You should only be open to the idea of one.

If that confuses you, allow me to explain.

If a girl was willing to immediately have sex with any guy who showed her the slightest bit of interest, I’m sure you’d find this odd, and for good reason.

On the flip side, if a guy is willing to immediately ‘wife-up’ any girl who shows him the slightest bit of interest, you’d probably find that odd as well.

Namely, that they’re both clearly demonstrating that they do not value what they have to offer.

If they’re such a great partner, why would they so willingly give-up what they’re able to use as leverage?

They wouldn’t.

Now, here’s the deal.

This isn’t to say that a woman who has sex is a slut, nor is it to say that a guy who accepts a relationship offer is a soft-pussy who is afraid to be alone.

What it does mean, however, is that you must pay attention to who is given permission to enter the gates–so to speak–that they hold the keys to.

If a girl lets any and all men enter her gates, you’d probably be best avoiding her for a long-term relationship.

By the same token, if a man lets any woman enter into his gates, you’d also be advised to avoid him as a potential relationship partner.

She slept with everyone on the football team? Avoid.

He’s committed to one skank after the other? Avoid.

Obviously, there will always be exceptions to this rule due to life circumstances, etc., however…

You get my point.

Just as you cannot control if a girl is worthy for a relationship, she cannot control whether a man is worthy for sex.

However, if you’re the one who is after a relationship, you really need to ask yourself, why?

If life is treating you right, you shouldn’t be so willing to give up your hand, unless convinced otherwise.

In my experience, if a man is desperate for a relationship, this typically indicates that something else in his life is lacking.

Most men don’t take the time to really ask themselves what this is before they commit to the next cute girl that gives them a bit of flirty attention – allowing them to divert their focus onto something else once more rather than address the issues in their own life.

Don’t let this be you.

Instead, focus your attention on developing and addressing your own life first (alongside dating for fun), and the right woman will come along at the right time.

Your pal,

Luke

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