Category Archives: Improving Your Attractiveness

Where did all the “good men” go????

 

So last week I talked about “good girls” and how to spot such “scarce” creatures in the millennial dating world. If you haven’t already read it please see last week’s post: Where did all the “nice girls” go???

The conclusion was that while many a man wonders what happened to the types of women they would not cringe at the thought of taking home to meet mom, the truth is that men are in need of changing their OWN perspective and their dating behavior in order to find higher quality women.

But I am always one for gender equality.

Girls experience the same male-burnout and probably even on a larger scale. They complain about the limited choices of “good men” that treat them right and don’t play games. They bemoan the sparse options of men with good jobs and aspirations to be fathers. Women grumble and whine over being pumped and dumped by yet another loser who “couldn’t commit” and so they find themselves asking,” where did all the good men go?” What happened to the men who asked women on dates instead of to “netflix and chill?” What happened to the men that were respectful and opened doors?

Well, ladies as much as you want to think that men are from mars and women are from venus, you share more than you think with your testosterone counterparts.

The truth is the same for men as it is for women. Jerks exist. They always have and always will. It is womens’ jobs to sift through the unreliable dicks, filter through the loser who just want to fuck, get realistic about their standards, and change their dating behavior. Because there are lots of great guys out there, it is your job to find them. It is also your job to accept that if you have been pumped and dumped a lot (or whatever it is you are sick of), it is not just because men ain’t shit. It is important to recognize that you may also be part of the problem.

If you are wondering where all the “good dudes” went you are probably asking this for 1 of 3 reasons.

1. You are having sex too soon with too many strangers
2. You are only meeting men in the party scene
3. You have seen too many Disney films and your expectations are unfathomably high and unrealistic.

Does this look familiar? That is because men and women are both guilty of the same attitudes and behaviors that invite low quality men and women. So this might sound redundant, but it is absolutely necessary to see how men and women thrust the same unrealistic expectations, coupled with a complete lack of self-responsibility upon one another and then complain when they can’t seem to have any romantic success with the opposite sex. You are responsible for only one person’s behavior and that is your own and so if you want to see changes in your dating pool, and kinds of people you date, hookup with, and get into relationships with, you need to start with yourself.

Let’s get started with a little dating makeover shall we?

1. Have sex. Yes girl, I am a proponent of having sex when you want and with whom you want. Have casual sex. Have one night stands. But if this is not making you happy or fulfilling you, or you are ready for a more committed relationship, it is time to stop having sex right away. Ladies, it is all about filtering. If you want to know that a dude won’t just pump and dump you, don’t have sex with him right away. If he is willing to wait, chances are he is in it for more than just pussy.

But I like sex, I want to have sex. I don’t want to have to suppress my sexuality.

That is fine. I gotchu. Have sex whenever you would like, all I am saying is that if you are no longer finding hookups to be very fulfilling and they keep bringing along jerks, it is time to change your strategy. Stupidity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results right? Jerks gravitate to girls that are willing to have sex right away because it is easy and requires very little masquerading as a “good man.” This is not to say that you can’t find a nice guy hooking up, it is just that the odds are considerably against you. For a lot of women that risk is not one they want to take. Delaying sex also gives you the valuable chance to see what he is all about. You want to test drive before you buy right? Spending time with a guy without sex will show you who he is when he is not just handed what he wants. Delaying sex is not about controlling or manipulating men, it is about filtering men to determine whether they are a worthy investment or not.

2. Ugh. I cannot stress enough how unlikely it is you are going to find a guy who wants to settle down and have five kids and join the PTA with you in the party scene. Ladies please do not expect to meet Prince Charming at a rave. Why? Because those dudes are out for a good time, they are the ones trying to get with fresh pussy, and try new drugs and think they will never EVER settle down. They also probably don’t do their own laundry either. Stop going to bars every weekend looking like a bunch of street walkers and wonder where all the good men went???

3. I am sorry to say that Disney probably left us with some unrealistic expectations about romance. Like the fact that Eric was wiling to marry a naked, mute girl on the beach. Or that abusive, manipulative kidnappers make good lovers. Girls are uber guilty of fantasizing about unrealistically perfect men. They want Christian Grey and The Notebook and Titanic and Peter Kavinsky (sorry had to name drop again) all rolled into one. Too often girls expect to be treated like princesses because duh they are sugar, spice and everything nice right?Well… While women should undoubtedly be treated well, this is an unfair and selfish standard to put on men. Relationships are about reciprocity and mutual respect, not finding a man who will put you on a pedestal and worship the ground you walk on. It is time to get real with yourself and ask yourself whether or not you are putting unfair expectations on romance and men in general. And the truth is that most women only think they want Prince Charming. Do you really want a man who would fall in love at first sight? Doesn’t that mean that he could easily fall in love again with someone else and that you really were not that special? Do you really want a pussy-whipped beta that would willingly submit to you? Nah, me either girl. ladies, it is time to get real about your standards. By all means, hold out for good men and respect and love and kindness, but do not set men up to fail with your unrealistic expectations.

Okay so where are all these good men at that women can supposedly lure in with these new dating mindsets?

1. They are working on themselves. The “good men” you dream about are not sitting on their asses playing video games and they are not out chasing ass (if they are getting ass it’s because ass comes to them). These men are improving themselves, they are working on their careers, getting fit, eating right, socializing with people that build them up, they are getting educated, they are learning new tricks and trades. They are productive and proactive

2. But…they probably are not in college. Those dudes are still in party mode and won’t emerge for a a few years.

3. They probably are not in their early twenties. These guys are like 6th graders with large forearms and cars and bank accounts.

4. They probably are not on dating sites. As I have said, we all know a few couples that met on a dating app and are getting married, but don’t let this lure you into thinking that you too will meet your handsome prince while scrolling through Tinder at 2am, drunk. Those people are the exception not the rule. The truth is that most young dudes on dating apps are looking for hookups. And ladies, please do not deceive yourself into thinking that “but only if he just met me, he would want more than a hookup!”

5. The “good men” are putting themselves and their missions in first place, so they are not out trying to pick up women. They are not slaves to getting laid, eager to manipulate, lie and ooze sleaze in order to sleep with a new woman. And because of this women present themselves. If you want to meet “good men” you need to also put yourself in self-improvement situations like a new class, running a marathon, a career networking community, leadership roles, local government, volunteering, and mentorship roles. This is where you will find men who want to be better versions of themselves, and it also a good opportunity to see them in action. You aren’t going to meet him waiting at home for him to climb up your hair.

 

I get it, after a few years in the Gladiatorial arena of dating we start to feel cynical. Everyone is either a liar, jerk, asshole, manipulator, narcissist, or some lethal combination. And so we become pessimistic about the sorts of choices out there. We emerge with the tatters of our hearts after a few too many broken hearts, and we wonder if we should write men off altogether. Maybe a convent would not be so bad? Or the cool, drunk aunt that always travels and never married?

But often times we forget that we are in charge of our own dating behaviors and the contexts we put ourselves in. We set the standards. We make the rules. We decide who gets a pass into our lives. We filter.

Your attitudes and behaviors invite men that correspond. When you demand more you get more.

If we are tired of a parade of fuckboys, it is time to start re-evaluating where we meet guys and how we engage with them.

We also need to understand the lens through which we view men and determine how that influences our standards. Are we expecting him to ride in on a white steed? Are we hoping for a fairytale and then wondering why we cannot seem to like any guys we go out with? It is also noteworthy to say that if you want a high value man you need to be a high value woman. Be the kind of girlfriend, you think your dream man deserves or is looking for.

Contrary to the seemingly endless supply of fuckboys, good men do exist in the wild, you just have to be willing to ditch the party scene, filter sooner and more throughly and remove the rose tinted glasses. And remember you can’t change the boys, but you can change yourself.

And to all the boys who don’t meet your new and improved criteria.

Thank u, next.

good luck,

Ellie xx

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Do Chicks Dig Jerks Part 2

your cliche “bad boy”

I would like to add a female perspective to the rousing debate of whether or not women really do like bad boys and if so do nice guys in fact finish last??

Allow me to answer this as simplistically and eloquently as possible.

yes.
and yes.

We have zero interest in a push-over of a man who hopes that if he can just call us pretty or get the check at dinner we might bless him with a view of our tits.
Dating should not be a charity case alright?

Nice guys might be “nice” but they are not alluring or exciting or dangerous. Where is the thrill in “nice” ?

Apparently women have masochistic dating tendencies where they would much rather get fucked over by a jerk with a bad attitude than suffer through a date with a man who loves his mother and opens the door for her.

Men often bemoan this illogical predisposition of women. And frankly I get it. I would be frustrated too if I had spent my whole life trying to be nice to women, because duh morals, and then end up finding out that she wants a jerk instead. And what’s worse is that women will complain about the jerk incessantly. She will cry over this guy for years, but still run back to his lying, cheating, bitch- ass over and over again. I would be cynical towards women too if I too thought my two choices in life were to either be “the nice guy” who can’t score, or some sort of despot with zero respect for bitches.

But as a women myself, I feel like this is a cliché that needs some unpacking, not just for men, but for women as well. Because lets be honest, there is some truth to this. Girls do like bad boys and run from the so-called “nice guys.”

What is the problem with being “nice” you ask?

Women don’t really have a problem with guys who are nice, like yes please by all means open doors for me, treat me with respect, give me complements, but that CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be the way that you show initial affection or interest. A guy who shows his interest in a woman by simply being nice is boring as fuck. And we don’t want it. The guy who spends the first date telling you that you look pretty and bringing you flowers is predictable and lacks excitement. Any man can open a door. It is generic. You think you’ve done something meaningful and no other man can offer the same?

Are you following me?

“Niceness” is not the problem. The problem is men who think that being nice is enough. That “niceness” is deserving and entitled to ass or attention. Or that niceness is enough to warrant attraction. Wrong.

What is it about jerks that is so dreamy???

Yet, It is not that we want someone who is gonna treat us like dirt. Obviously I am not a masochist who cant wait to be with a guy that ignores me, cheats on me, is rude to me, and cannot commit. The idea of the bad boy as an aphrodisiac stems from a need for a thrill. Girls want a little bit of an adrenaline rush, hence why we love drama so damn much. Also:

  1. mystery surrounding an enigmatic, rebellious man
  2. confidence is sexy (even though its probably arrogance)
  3. jerks exude charm and charisma to get what they want
  4. knowing what they want and going after a woman is HOTTT
  5. the feeling that any love worth having should be earned
  6. the sexual tension that accompanies trying to beat a player at their own game
  7. the sexual tension that accompanies a man who cant be deciphered
  8. women love a broken man that they can “fix”
  9. a flawed man gives a woman something to work on and pursue
  10. the rush of emotions that accompanies being with a jerk, such as frustration, confusion, and excitement is an addictive thrill

Women like a little bit of the chase that accompanies being with someone that is just out of grasp. We like the drama that comes with “will he, or wont he” and the inevitable thrill of trying to lock down a man who just does not want to be locked now.  At the end of the day we really just want to be pursued by a man whom we thought was unattainable. Yes, we like the drama and the thrill and the rush of emotions that comes with a “bad boy,” yet the thrill does in fact wear off. The truth of the matter is that if you truly are that jerk you might get pussy for a while, but girls won’t stick around forever. At some point we will learn to respect ourselves, get the hell over you and go for someone who treats us better, even if it is a “nice guy”. Do not mistake that arrogance and bullying will land you endless pussy.

Okay, so if being “nice” is a turn off and morals still matter, how should men behave???

If I am being honest i think that many a man has lost the art of the flirt in this generation. Where is the teasing? The witty banter? The rapid-fire back and forth? That is the stuff that stokes the embers of the slow burn! Women want to be teased! That roguish sense of reckless abandon and self- sufficiency is the secret ingredient in the “jerk” or the “bad boy” that gets women hot and bothered, and why women yawn when a man puts all his romantic hopes in opening doors and being merely polite.

Flirting should always error on the opposite side of polite. Polite is boring. Manners are boring. You know what is not? Teasing. Witty banter. Heated discussions. Testing the boundaries that women actually want you to test. We want you to cross the line and say something bold, or act rashly, or take charge. It demonstrates strength. Be a little controversial. Do not ask for permission. A man who acts with unabashed confidence is the one women want.

This is inter-connected with what my friend, Luke explained in his post on the subject. He makes the claim that what girls like about so-called jerks is their strength, both mentally and physically. It is not their sinful ways that get women excited. It is that they go after what they want and are not dependent upon the fickle whims of others to fulfill their needs. They are masculine brutes who do not beg. They do not ask for permission. They do. They act. They look out for themselves and their best interests and they hold their own. Women are interested in men who look out for their own needs and by association her needs, not a man who hopes for handouts.

The thing a woman most desires in a man is his strength, whether that be self-assurance, physical strength, strength of characters, fortitude, confidence, and/or the feelings of security she feels with him. These are the masculine traits in which she is attracted to and ones which her desire for him hinge upon.

When a man puts a woman on a pedestal he relinquishes his power, the one thing a woman is attracted to in him.

This element of strength is what is missing from a man that feels somehow entitled to a woman because he showed some bottom-feeder kindness. When a man acts out of hopeful “niceness” it can wreak of desperation, a scent that women are repulsed by.

Women want to be dominated, not in a cruel, subordinate sort of way, but in a masculine, strong, controlling sort of way that has her best interests at heart. When a man does not demonstrate strength, women subconsciously interpret this as a lack of dominance. They see that he will not dominate them in the way they desire to be. Technically the opposite of dominance in a man is desperation. He is either dominant or desperate. The two are mutually exclusive.

Now for the ladies screaming at their computer screens with indignant rage that I promote such an idea as dominance in any other area besides BDSM, hear me out.

There is a huge difference between a male that dominates women out of controlling, manipulative insecurity and a man who takes charge and demonstrates strength in his relationship and always makes decisions with his woman’s best interests at heart. That is the true difference, it is really whether he had her best interests at heart or not when he takes control. This is what women truly want and are attracted to.

You know that sit-com trope of the nagging wife who bosses her dead beat husband around? Well, pro tip here but that is not a healthy relationship and it is not at all what women are interested in. We want to be able to trust our partners to take control, but to do so in a respectful way that manages our best interests and those of the relationship. We do not want to be the bosses! We do not want to nag or be bossy! Only one person can be dominant at a time in a relationship, and if a woman has to be dominant it means her man is lacking the very qualities that draw her to him.

Treat her well, but DO NOT make her your whole world

Men looking to woo and seduce women, Do: treat her well, with respect and kindness and affection. Do NOT: make her your world. Frankly women do not want to be a man’s world.They just want to exist in it. Women want to be let into your personal, private world. They want to be made privy to a space that you have not let other women into. That is what makes us feel special and unique and desired, but we do not want to be your whole world. We want to cheer for you and encourage you, but making a woman the focal point of your existence is a good way to scare one off. It says to the woman that I have no other life goals or priorities in my life, and her, knowing full well that that is a pathetic life achievement, will become skeptical of your strength and therefore your attractiveness.

This is the secret sauce that jerks know and nice guys fail at. A nice guy is desperate enough to make a woman his whole world, while a so-called jerk never puts all his eggs in the basket of one woman.

So what is the takeaway?

The thing about “jerks” that chicks dig so much is their strength and their confidence, their sense of self that dissuades them from timid gestures and polite conversation and instead emboldens them to take charge and act with entitled recklessness. This is the man that will keep a woman holding on and coming back for more.

Good luck,

Ellie x

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Do Chicks Dig Jerks?

You’ve seen it all before.

The band dork who has to conceal his boners in class everytime the seating chart puts him right next to Sexy Samantha.

The beads of sweat that form upon his upper lip when she asks him what the teacher said, or if she can borrow a pen.

And that nervous smile he sheepishly cracks at 6’3″ Football Quarterback Chad as he watches Sexy Samantha hop on the back of his motorcycle after school–even after listening to her moan in class about what an asshole he his!

What the hell?

“So is it true? Do chicks really dig jerks?”

Do they prefer the fuckboi who texts them “u up?” at 1 am on a Friday night instead of Eagle Scout Andy who would do all her homework in a heartbeat, and make her a duct tape rose to boot?

While on the surface it may appear that, “acting like a jackass,” is what is at work here, something else is at play.

Let’s take a closer look.

At the end of the day, all of our biology and behavior is driven towards reproduction.

Women’s bodies are specifically designed to give birth to and subsequently care for children.

Their equipped with additional fat stores to tide them over during a pregnancy alongside two oddly attractive milk jugs that will keep any baby well fed, even in the harshest of winters.

And men?

They’re born with testosterone levels that are significantly higher than their female counterparts: increased levels of muscle mass, a preference for riskier behavior, and of course their most beloved desire to stick their phallus inside any woman who is willing.

“So what’s this got to do with chicks, ‘digging jerks’?”

Everything.

In ancient times, if a woman became pregnant, she risked her entire livelihood to carry the pregnancy to term.

Possible depiction of an ancient mating ground.

She’d be vulnerable, unable to care for herself at times (especially as she got closer and closer to birth), and most likely in need of protection and resources from another individual.

And what better protector than someone who has higher levels of muscle mass, goes after what they want, and selfishly believes their desires are more important?

A nice guy?

Nope.

Chad.

“Wait a minute, wouldn’t she prefer Eagle Scout Andy who’d do anything she’d ask, versus 6’3″ Chad who’s just using her for sex?” 

That’s what you’d think.

But since her sexual attraction is driven by these primal desires–who’d be a better provider–she opts for Chad.

If selfish Chad had impregnated her, she would rest assured that his selfish desire to get what he wants–i.e. protecting her and gathering resources to ensure the safety and birth of his future child–would be far more effective than Nice Guy Nathan who gets pushed around and does what anyone else says.

“So they do dig jerks!”

Not exactly.

This dichotomy never was between jerks and nice guys.

That’s just what it appears to be.

It’s between strong men and weak men.

And not necessarily physical strength either.

Rather, it is because strong men make women feel safe and secure.

So in a sense, you can still be a friendly guy, but you must also be strong.

The definition of a “Nice Guy”–the one we all think about–is someone who only behaves in a nice manner because they want to be liked by everybody and likewise not have anyone think badly about them.

A firsthand account of a girl rejecting the helping hands of “nice guys.”

Is this you?

If so, it’s time to unchain yourself from the shackles of “nice-itis.”

Don’t make the mistake that acting fearful and weak-minded makes you “nice.”

Returning to our story…

A man who unapologetically goes after what he wants (Chad) is demonstrating to women that, if he impregnated her, he would do whatever it takes to make sure she and his baby would be safe.

By the same token, Nice Guy Nathan is illustrating that he’ll let others walk all over him and let them get what they want before he does.

In layman’s terms: his “nice” behavior is intuitively letting women know that if she gets impregnated by him, he will most likely NOT do whatever it takes to take care of what’s his–her and the baby.

Food shortage? You best believe Nathan will be the last in line. But not Chad.

Recession? Nathan’s unemployed. Chad owns a business.

Sinking ship? Chad and his family are already on the lifeboat. Nathan gave up his seat.

While women don’t consciously come to this conclusion, they believe it.

They’ll most likely say something along the lines of, “He isn’t my type.”

Or, “He’ll meet a nice and sweet girl one day and make her happy, but I just see him as a friend.” 

“So is that all there is to it? Act strong?” 

There is one last important element in this game.

A man’s sense of entitlement.

“Er.. what?”

The way a man treats a woman ultimately reveals what he thinks about himself and her.

In other words, if he is treating her like a princess and worships the ground she walks on, she’ll most likely think he is of lower value than her.

She’ll wonder, “If he’s so great, why is he going to such great lengths to please me?”

“Clearly, he must be below me, right?”

By the same token, if he treats her like she’s no big deal, then he is demonstrating that he is of higher or equal value to her.

“He only got me a Snickers bar for my birthday!? Is it  because he could do better than me??”

“I better stay with him!!”

Make sense?

No?

Human Sexuality 101.

Stay tuned for more.

Your Pal,

Luke

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Relax, it’s Worse Than You Think

Do you find yourself believing you’re the sole loser amidst the lions and tigers of the dating jungle?

The only one who simply can’t seem to get more than 2 matches per day on Tinder, no matter what you do? The mere thought of getting super liked is a far-off dream?

Maybe you get that jolt of dismay every time you look in the mirror and see only a protruding gut, fueled from Budweiser – the only six-pack you’ve ever owned in your life.

Perhaps you feel like a complete failure because 90% of your time at work is spent pointlessly browsing Facebook and Instagram, where you lament the way life has treated you. There you are, in your cubicle, watching Big Titty Becky go on about her skincare routine while she’s away in Croatia for the weekend.

Oh yeah, and her boyfriend just got that promotion. He’ll be getting a salary raise for a total 750k per year. I wonder what her anniversary gift will be?

And at 27 years old, your fertility dwindling, you can’t even hope to get a date.

Is life really so cruel?

Relax, it’s worse than you think.

What you don’t know is that Becky has an eating disorder, takes dangerous psychotropic medication for her depression, and bought 90% of her Instagram followers. And her boyfriend? He works 16 hours per day and they never see each other. This vacation is his first time off in 12 months.

But.. but… but.. Zac Efron is shredded and has a perfect life! What about him!!

Think again.

Before Body Makeup

After Body Makeup

And if you do your research, it is apparent he used cutting agents (fat burning drugs) to achieve the look he has.

Even his life isn’t real.

The reality here? People aren’t that great.

That superstar businessman isn’t an ultra-productive machine that makes zero mistakes and has light coming out of his ass when he gets up at 5 am to work all day.

That hot girl with the resting bitch face isn’t a do-gooder goddess who will levitate above you when you approach her.

The couple with that perfect life you see on TV? They don’t even exist.

And social media? Oh god. Don’t compare your “Behind-the-Scenes” with everyone else’s highlight reel.

Do you really think people will post themselves crying about missing their promotion on Instagram? Or how their crush ghosted them?

Not a chance.

It’s all bullshit.

With the advent of the internet, the Millennial generation bombastically overestimates the abilities and lives of everyone around them. Don’t fall for this.

Believe it or not, most people suck. Most people watch life pass them by while they dream about accomplishing things they never will.

Most people watch the guy or girl of their dreams walk right by them without as much a peep.

Most people plant their ass in front of Netflix every night instead of hitting the gym.

They’re simply too lazy to get off their fat asses and take action.

The good news? There’s no competition.

I mean it. None. Nada.

Workout for 3 hours per week, go to H&M and buy two cool outfits, then straighten-up your posture and BAM!

Everyone around you will think you’re a god damn unicorn.

So where do we go from here?

While yes, the dating environment today is a far cry from what your grand-pappy experienced, rest-assured, you put in 1% more effort than the competition and you’ll be the 1%.

That fear you experience when you walk past a hot guy/girl you want to meet? You’re not a pussy. Everyone feels it. 

That feeling of dread you get that makes you want to back out from your online date? You’re not a pussy. Everyone feels it.

That feeling of jealousy you get when you scroll through Instagram and see all those gorgeous, photoshopped and airbrushed bodies? You’re not a pussy. Everyone feels it.

The problem? Everyone believes these feelings.

It isn’t the feeling that makes you a pussy. It’s the believing.

So sit back, relax, and get ready to saddle up the fear inside you. It’s time to ride.

Now that we know everyone in our society is an insecure pussy, we also know it doesn’t take much to be a winner.

So next time you feel those feelings of dread, remember, everyone feels them too. Just be sure not to listen.

Once you get going, ignore those feelings, and put in that 1% of effort, believe me, soon everyone will think you have a perfect life and have it all together.

When was the last time one of your girlfriends talked about getting approached by a guy on the sidewalk?

When was the last time one of your guy friends said they got the numbers of two girls during the day when they were out downtown?

Probably never.

Okay, maybe once or twice. But you get my point.

While the actual rules of the modern dating jungle may be confusing as hell, it doesn’t take much to play at a high level.

Everyone listens to their fearful inner monologue and not a soul takes action.

In short: no one does jack shit.

All you need to do is get moving.

And yes, once you start taking steps in the right direction, the bitches and fuc bois will come knocking on your door. Get ready to beat them off with a stick!

Your Pal,

-Luke

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