Category Archives: Dating

Millennials vs. Vulnerability: Who is Really Winning??

 

 

What scares Millennials most in the world? The rising cost of housing? Looming student loan debt? Net Neutrality? No wifi? Negative. A Millennial’s worst fear is the prospect of vulnerability. I don’t merely mean talking about your childhood, I mean having to tell a guy you like how you really feel about them. Double texting someone that has not responded to you in four days. Having to ask someone “what are we?” *cue music from Jaws* You know what I am talking about. This sort of “put your dignity on the line” honesty is what instills fear in us like nothing else can.

To be specific, unreciprocated vulnerability is what scares us most. It is being too accessible to someone who is not accessible to us. It is crossing oceans for someone who would not cross a puddle for you. Unrequited vulnerability says I am giving more than I am getting. I am being manipulated and extorted and used. I am the only one who cares. As a result, vulnerability feels weak and exposed and helpless.

We are so terrified of being someone’s number two that we are willing to play any number of exhausting games, say any number of lies, and sabotage our own relationships to reduce vulnerability, or at least the appearance of vulnerability.

That is the thing about vulnerability in Millennials, we are far more concerned with the façade than we are what’s going on in the inside. We would rather look perfect on the outside and be a mess on the inside than vice versa. We would rather let someone we care about think that we don’t give a shit about the relationship, and its all casual and “no string attached,” but be in emotional turmoil on the inside, than tell someone what we are really thinking. We would rather make someone else feel lesser, than have to feel the pain of unrequited vulnerability. Heaven forbid someone think that we care more than they do.

As a generation, we are pretty okay with physical vulnerability like nudity and sex, it’s that emotional vulnerability that frightens us. Ironically, emotional vulnerability and physical vulnerability are deeply intertwined, although we would love to pretend that they are not. We love to separate them as estranged entities when in fact physical vulnerability is often a direct ticket to “catching feels.” From there, emotional vulnerability is the first stop on a long road trip of heartbreak and crushed self-esteem.

Now we are a generation that is ridiculously cynical when it comes to “catching feels.” And rightly so, “catching feels” is the worst. Like I would rather have my naked body dragged across hot coals and thrown into a pool of gasoline than catch feels. Catching feels is the ultimate gateway to vulnerability, and once you’ve opened the door you can’t go back. You either have to get over this person (an often long and arduous process) or dwell in emotional turmoil for an indefinite period. Yippee. Dating is so fun.

As a result, we have become a generation of defensive daters. It is all about protecting our own dignity and hearts no matter the costs. It does not matter if we ghost that guy or reject that girl and never speak to her again, as long as our own dignity is intact. As long as we have protected our hearts and minds from actually falling for someone. We don’t mind hurting someone else’s feelings as long as our own feelings are not hurt.

It is okay for someone else to be vulnerable, as long as we get to remain aloof and apathetic, because the person who cares the least is the person with all the power in the relationship. Control is power. The ability to manipulate a situation. The feeling of supremacy. The capacity to influence. For Millennials, vulnerability is a roadblock in our ability to remain in control and possess power.

Now apart from being wrapped up in a culture that tells us to care very much what others think and to groom ourselves to be perceived a certain way, being guarded is also a matter of self-respect for millennials. We see it as dignifying to be stingy with our vulnerability. We feel that our self-worth is somehow wrapped up in how much we have exposed of ourselves.

For Millennials, vulnerability is a currency, and you want to be as frugal as possible. To some extent this isn’t wrong. You wouldn’t go in the middle of the street and yell your deepest darkest secrets, not because they define you, but because you respect yourself more than to just bare your secrets to anyone. Yet, there is a fine line between self-respect and being emotionally stingy.

We have somewhat misguidedly deemed self-respect to be only investing in a relationship where we are sure to get a return. While there is truth in guarding your heart and protecting yourself, there is no such thing as a relationship with a 100% probability of investment growth. Most often a gamble is necessary. If we never take the risk there is never the reward.

This imbalance of investment that we fear so much is pretty much the root of all relational conflict. I first realized this when I was upset with a friend who I felt was avoiding me. There was no conflict. Yet I felt the distance growing between us even though we lived together. I would ask her about her day and ask her to hang out, but she was always aloof and “too busy.” It felt terrible. It took me a while, but I realized that what I was really truly upset about was not that she was not hanging out with me or spending time on our relationship, it was that I felt that I cared more about her than she cared about me.

Think about it. Whether romantic or a friendship or family relationships, relational conflict is derived from one person caring more than the other person or at least a perceived feeling of such. I think this realization was a huge step in gaining perspective about conflict. Rarely are we really upset about an unanswered text or showing up late or a failed promise. Rather what’s truly bothering us is a fear that we care about someone more than they care about us. Being on the non-reciprocated side can really hurt. It feels degrading. And as Millennials, this is a pain we are willing to do almost anything to avoid. We would rather come off as cold and aloof than lower ourselves to tell someone we care about them if we feel that it won’t be reciprocated.

I remember back in good ol’ 2003 watching Lizzie McGuire, and in one particular episode Lizzie was going to tell resident hottie, Ethan Kraft, that she had a crush on him. I remember watching in horror as Lizzie bared her soul to a guy who was nice enough, but clearly did not feel the same way about her. How could Lizzie be so stupid? Didn’t she respect herself? Didn’t she care about being embarrassed?? I remember the horror my 9-year-old self felt as I watched Lizzie throw caution to the wind and embarrass herself in font of him. Even then I saw such vulnerability as something to be avoided like the Bubonic Plague. I carried this mantra with me for the next 15 years. I would never tell anyone that I liked them unless I was sure that they felt the same. The alternative, was not just humiliating, it was a degrading shot to the ego, and totally avoidable. I couldn’t understand why Lizzie had wanted to share that info if she did not have to. No one was making her tell Ethan!

But that is the thing about Millennials. Millennnials are total control freaks. We are obsessed with trying to control and manipulate our circumstances. And when it comes to feelings and dating we want to control that too. Everything is a power play with us. Perhaps it has something to do with trying to combat our role as the world’s scapegoat. Or perhaps it is that nasty sense of entitlement we are so often accused of having. Or maybe it has to do with us being socialized to have control over everything in our lives the same way we exhibit control over other instantly gratifying things like Netflix and Uber. Either way we view control as a necessary means of achieving success and happiness. We feel that if we can just master our emotions and minimize our vulnerability then we will have total control and no one can hurt us.

The truth is that the path to successful and fulfilling relationships is paved with heartbreak and embarrassment, and yes, lots and lots of vulnerability. Maybe Lizzie McGuire had more emotional intelligence than we did back in middle school after all.

Vulnerability is what relinquishes us from the prison of perfectionism and having to maintain a façade. Vulnerability is what prepares us to be authentic and honest and communicative with one another. Vulnerability is the framework behind growth and development and self-awareness. Without vulnerability we remain stagnant. Vulnerability drives us out of our comfort zones and into our truest potential. Vulnerability doesn’t mean not caring what other people think, it is seeing the bigger picture beyond the temporary feelings of fear and anxiety. Vulnerability can be a worthwhile, calculated risk. If we never take the risk, we will certainly never get the reward.

As a Millennial myself, I totally get it. We’ve all been hurt one too many times and the wounds of our previous experiences with vulnerability still sting. We promise ourselves to be miserly with our vulnerability in order to protect our fragilie hearts. We never want to get hurt again. Yet, at some point we are going to have to humble ourselves just a bit, and go out and catch some damn feels and not expect anything in return. No 100% probability of texting back. No games. No favorably calculated circumstances. No tit for tat dating rules. No playing hard to get. No facade of nonchalance.

Maybe #livingyourbestlife does not have to always mean sipping sangria on a yacht in Spain, maybe it can also apply to scary moments of telling someone you care about how you really feel. Maybe it could even be a choice to text someone back immediately or call them instead of texting. Maybe vulnerability is not a plague to be avoided, but an opportunity to be embraced.

 

good luck,

Ellie xo

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Dating Apps: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

While your mom Sally Jane was having all her suitors meet her in the parlor after lunch–with her father’s supervision of course–we’re riding a different wave entirely.

We’ve got dating apps galore, Cosmopolitan sex tips, and terabytes of pornography to boot. We don’t have to wait around to see someone in real life–we can slide into their DMs with ease and set-up a date instantly.

This begs the question–are dating apps all that great? Are they the trade secret our love lives have been missing?

Let’s find out below.

The Good

1. Ease of Communication

Dating Apps are a millennials fantasy come true. There’s no longer any need whatsoever to be apart of random social groups, meet people at coffee shops, or ask your friend to introduce you to their pretty lab partner.

Best of all? No phone conversations required.

Let’s be honest, you’ll be hard press to find a millennial who enjoys speaking to a sexual prospect over the phone.

2. You’ll be able to meet people you’d never normally meet

No longer are we confined to our small suburb and high school social circles. You’re able to meet individuals who you’d probably never cross paths with otherwise.

If you’re into board games, video games, and watching anime, you’ll finally be able to begin swiping right on those sporty girls you’ve never had the nerve to approach in real life.

3. You’re able to learn a little bit about a person prior to meeting them

Many dating apps and websites allow you to connect your Facebook, Instagram, and other social profiles either as a prerequisite prior to joining or as an optional profile additive.

Moreover, some services like OkCupid will constantly pressure you with questions and quizzes to provide your potential suitors with even more information about yourself to help you find the right match.

4. You can meet a wide variety of people without even having to leave your home (yay homebodies!)

If you’re the type who enjoys staying home after work or school, well, I have good news. You don’t have to change a single thing about your monotonous and comfortable routine.

Get online, get swiping, and start messaging–all from the comfort of your favorite living room chair.

5. Ease of Sexual Freedom

Sometimes it can be difficult to find a sexual partner who has just what you need.

Maybe you’re into threesomes, want no-strings-attached sex, or are interested in polyamory.

No matter, the online world has got you covered.

Alongside the traditional dating apps and websites, there are a plethora of fetish and kink websites that–with the help of Google–will lead you in the right direction.

6. Improved Anonymity and Privacy

If you’re looking to keep your sex life on the down-low, online dating is an option you’d be silly to ignore.

For example, if you’re on the hunt for casual sexual encounters and would prefer to keep your business away from the peeping eyes of friends and family, the internet has got your back.

You can make a separate Facebook account, use discreet photos, and specify in your dating profiles precisely the kind of privacy you’re looking for.

You’ll most likely discover you’re not alone.

7. Reduced Pressure

In the real world, it’s easy to feel like everyone’s watching you.

Think back to high school. If you left your house with a small zit on your face, you felt like the entire school just had to be talking about it behind your back.

Online dating is different.

If you want to discontinue a conversation, don’t reply.

If you no longer think someone is a good fit for you, unmatch them!

And if you want to take a break from the dating scene, simply go ahead and delete your apps and profiles.

It couldn’t be easier.

8. Improved Safety

Many dating services like Bumble offer the ability to, “verify,” your profile with a real-time photo and additionally require a Facebook account prior to creating a profile.

Moreover, you’re also given the added benefit to only agree to meet your potential online dating prospects in public locations.

Coupled with the possibility of having mutual friends on your accounts, you can rest assured that your suitor has some sort of life beyond a few photos and a single line of text and emojis.

9. Abundance

If you’re living in a small suburb or only have access to a small circle, online dating will provide you with the abundance you need.

There’s no reason to have all your hopes and dreams riding on one single person these days.

When you can immediately improve the size of your dating pool tenfold by downloading an app or logging onto a website, you’ll soon discover that they truly are more fish in the sea.

TL;DR

Don’t ignore online dating.

With progressive technological compliance amongst the millennial generation, it is here to stay and won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.

With an enlarged dating pool, improved communication opportunities, and the straightforward convenience of it all, you’d be foolish to not take part in online dating if you’re on the hunt for a new lover.

The Bad

1. Perverts

Yes, unfortunately, this is true. Especially if you’re a girl.

Don’t be surprised when, after you get your first several dozen matches, you’re hit with offers of dick pics, instant hook-ups, and crass comments about your body.

The solution?

Unmatch.

2. Unclear Intentions

While this is also true in real life, it may be a good idea to be upfront with respect to what you’re looking for.

Yes, you may have had sex within five minutes of meeting each other, but that doesn’t mean your partner may not want something more.

On the flip side, don’t be surprised if they vanish into the night, never to be seen again.

If this is something that worries you, be upfront with them right away with regards to what you’re looking for.

3. Dishonesty

You walk into a coffee shop with plans to meet Chad Thundercock from Tinder, only to glance around the cafe and see no one who looks even remotely similar to his naked mirror pic.

You glance down at your phone and see, “Hey, I can see you by the door. I’m wearing the blue jacket and waving at you!”

You look up and see a grotesque blob with a big, cheesy grin, waving you down.

As you make eye contact with what seems to hardly resemble another human being, you immediately bolt out the door, hoping to never cross paths with such a repulsive creature ever again.

This, sadly, is a reality of online dating.

While lying about one’s appearance will ensure you’ll never make it past the first date, lying about who one is can get you quite far.

If you have no mutual friends with someone, it may be nigh to impossible to truly verify anything they tell you.

So if you feel uneasy about someone for any reason, you’re probably right. Remember that.

Always listen to your gut instinct.

It will never–if ever!–lead you astray.

There isn’t much you can do here aside from listening to your intuition, speaking to their friends, or snooping through their phone–not something I’d recommend doing.

However, with that said, always go with your gut.

You may not be able to put into words why you feel like something’s off, but if you get the inkling down under, don’t brush it aside.

Listen to it.

It’s there for a reason.

4. Reduced Safety

I may be contradicting what I said above, however, online dating can both be safer and riskier, provided you don’t take the right steps.

Meet at a public location, tell a friend where and what you’ll be doing during that time, and be sure to thoroughly explore their online dating profile.

And most of all?

Trust. Your. Gut.

5. Harassment

This ties in with number one.

If you’re not careful, you could end up giving your phone number and Facebook profile information to a creeper.

If this happens, they may go to a variety of lengths to pester, badger, and annoy the living hell out of you.

Take baby steps.

If you’re unsure about someone, yet you’d like to take the messaging off of Tinder or OkCupid, maybe opt for a Snapchat account that isn’t tied to your Facebook account name.

Likewise, you could also tell them you’d like to message on Instagram–again, using an account not tied to your real name–so you can see if they slide into your DMs with a legitimate personal profile of their own.

6. Unrealistic Expectations

Yes, you may have filled out a 50-question survey that asked for everything from your cat and dog preference to your favorite breakfast cereal, but take heart, this does not mean Mr. Perfect is now only a message away.

It’s no secret that online dating will immensely improve the size of your dating pool, however, you may have to take some deep sea dives before you get good results.

Just like meeting people in real life, you probably won’t meet the man of your dreams after one single night out.

7. Lack of Conversational and Social Cues

This isn’t a huge issue, however, some individuals find it frustrating.

Texting, DMing, and instant messaging can be fun, but sarcasm and body language can be slightly difficult to illustrate through a chat bubble.

You may think your dry sense of humor makes you the life of the party, but that girl you matched with ten minutes ago may just think you’re an asshole.

Technology is useful and makes communication travel faster than the drop of a hat, but it can’t convey everything. Keep that in mind.

TL;DR

Internet Dating may be perceived by some to be the Bees Knees, but to others, it clearly is not the Cat’s Pajamas.

Er.. what?

Online Dating may be simple, convenient, and easy to use, but this does not mean it is free from problems.

Just like real life has its share of creepers, perverts, and weirdos, you’ll be sure to meet even more while you explore the depths of the internet.

The Ugly

1. Criminals

Again, tying into the danger of dating apps, like in all walks of life, there are always dangerous people out and about.

Now, don’t let this freak you out.

This isn’t to say that online dating sites are only packed with scumbags and banshees that want to ruin your life.

They’re not.

But just like how a small percentage of people you interact with throughout your day are not someone you’d particularly like to bump into at 2 in the morning in an alleyway–the same is true online.

Be smart. Be vigilant. Trust your intuition.

2. Assholes & Neurotics

This warrants its own blog post entirely.

There is a lot to be said with respect to dealing with these sort of people.

If some prick messages you something rude, don’t waste a second of your time engaging with them.

Ignore, then block/unmatch.

Worse, you discover that the guy/girl you’ve seen a handful of times is a piece of shit?

Worse yet, your now boyfriend/girlfriend is a piece of shit?

In the first case, send them a straightforward and polite message stating that you no longer think you’re suitable for each other.

In the second case, meet them in person–perhaps at their house–so you can get in your car and bounce ASAP when it’s all said and done.

No need to say why, no need to argue with them, and there’s no need to be rude.

In my opinion, it is better to not fully engage with people like this.

The more they’re ignored, the less incentivized they feel to behave poorly, and the better you’ll feel about yourself.

“But I want to tell them to fuck off and get into an argument with them!!”

While this may feel good in the moment, don’t.

Think about it this way.

If you choose to engage an asshole, not only are you wasting your own finite resource–time–that should be spent in search of more prominent dating partners, you’re also subconsciously training your brain.

“Training my brain? How?”

You’re giving them space in your mind. You’re telling your brain that assholes and neurotics are worth your time, you should spend your precious hours thinking about them, and that you’re going to allow some cock to dictate how you should think and feel.

It’s a losing battle.

Drop them as soon as you can and never look back.

There are better things ahead.

3. Addiction

Like any dopamine inducing substance, dating apps are no different.

We all get a kick out of scrolling through the Facebook Newsfeed, silently detesting our friends’ seemingly awesome lives on Instagram, and sneaking in a Snapchat photo under our desk.

Swiping through dating profiles is just another ingredient to add to the ever-increasing stew of internet addiction.

Use the apps, then get off them.

Don’t make swiping through profiles into a lifestyle.

It might be wise to have a set time of day you use them, then turn them off until tomorrow.

4. Depression

While you look at sexy Samantha’s questionably NSFW mirror pic, you may start to feel a little self-conscious about your looks.

Maybe, you’ll start to feel like you’re going nowhere in life as you see all these photos from what appears to be beautiful people living incredible lives.

Or, you’ll get that feeling of despair that you’ll never meet your special someone.

Relax, it’s worse than you think.

5. Cheating

If someone is planning on cheating, they’re going to cheat.

The internet just speeds up the process.

Trust your instincts and be careful out there.

And if you discover they’re someone is a cheater?

Just like assholes and neurotics, drop them and never look back.

They’re not worth your time.

6. Dependence

Dating apps and websites may be all the rage, but be careful that you don’t begin to overly rely on them.

It’d be a shame to see the girl of your dreams on the other side of the sidewalk, then suddenly realize you have no idea how to introduce yourself without the help of a direct messaging system.

Online dating should supplement what you’re already doing.

Don’t neglect meeting women in real life as you get started on Tinder and Bumble.

Online dating should be viewed as a tool, not a crutch.

TL;DR

Internet Dating is an incredible addition to the technological era we’re entering, yet it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows at the end of the day.

Keep an eye out for assholes, recognize that the internet does not represent reality, and don’t begin to substitute all in-person dating opportunities for sitting behind a screen.

Putting it All Together

In its essence, online dating is allowing us to do what we’d normally do, but on a much larger scale.

We can meet the people we want to meet, take a chance on someone we wouldn’t normally hang out with, and, of course, have our occasional run-in with a crazy asshole.

Online dating won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, and will only continue to become increasingly integrated into our love lives.

What better time to get started with your buds Luke and Ellie to walk you through it?

Final Thoughts

We covered a lot of ground in this article, and we still have so much to explore.

If you have any questions, be sure to leave a comment or fill out the contact form, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Good luck out there, and most of all, don’t overthink all this dating shit.

Trust your gut and you’ll go in the right direction.

Your Pal,

Luke

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A Quick and Simple Guide to Meeting Millennial Women

This will by no means be my last or final word on this topic. In fact, I’m just getting started.

Moreover, in this article, I will only scratch the surface. Much, much more can and will be said on this subject, however, I want to briefly go over the basics before diving in deeper.

Where in the World do you meet Millennial Women?

Ah. The classic lamentation yelled from the city rooftops, the Facebook Newsfeed, and the bowels of 4chan.

Yet, maybe that isn’t a complaint you can relate to.

Maybe you’re wondering where you can meet quality Millennial women.

Or, more still, maybe you believe none exist at all!

Well buckos, good news, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

While the advent of feminism, the introduction of birth control, and the incredible advancements of technology have forever altered the landscape we now find ourselves in, the game is still the same:

Maximize your physical appearance + Talk to girls.

That’s it. That’s the “secret formula” all the players use, from Casanova all the way to Chad the Football Quarterback.

But what really has changed?

The aforementioned.

Female empowerment. Feminism. Whatever you want to call it. This has resulted in women entering the workforce and no longer requiring a man for financial support.

What does this mean for you?

Women no longer need men.

As a result? Male neediness is even more unattractive.

There’s a bit more to it than this, however, for the purpose of this article, we’ll leave it at that.

Up next, Birth Control.

Condoms. IUD. Spermicide. The “pill.” Pick your poison, because there are plenty of contraceptive options to go around! And what did this little variable change? A lot, actually.

Sexual encounters have been cheapened.

What was once deemed a special and sacred act one would only do with their life partner–as it would result in a baby!–it can now be done with any stranger you meet on the internet! Yippee!

While the biological response of sex remains the same (neurotransmitters and hormones that create feelings of trust, love, attachment, etc.), it is now entirely different on a cultural level.

To your average Millennial, holding hands in public means much more to them than an all-night fuck-a-thon into the wee hours of the morning.

And Technology?

We live in a brave new world.

No longer must you call your sweetheart’s landline and have an awkward conversation with one of their parents just to schedule a date.

No longer must you go days without any interaction from the opposite sex if you’re trapped at your parents’ house for Christmas.

No longer must you even need another physical body to get sexually aroused.

Times are a-changin’.

So, what should a young up-and-coming millennial skirt chaser take into consideration when it comes to technology?

Speed of communication.

The amount of time it takes to meet a dozen women has been reduced tenfold. There’s no need to hit the sidewalk and block out time doing, “approaches,” when you can simply download an app and begin swiping away.

Let’s briefly recap what we’ve learned before I lay out your battle plan.

-The Formula for meeting women = Maximize your physical appearance + Talk to girls.

Always has been, always will be.

-The Changed Variables of our Time:

–1. Neediness is now significantly more unattractive.

–2. Commitment is now considered a much more valuable commodity than sex.

–3. The speed at which you can now meet and subsequently schedule dates and meetups with women has been drastically reduced.

Great. Now that we know what we’re dealing with, what’s our plan of attack for consistently meeting high-quality millennial women?

Step 1. Download Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

Depending on where you are located internationally, Badoo may be an option as well. Aside from these, ignore all other apps. Hinge, Plenty of Fish, etc. are all useless.

Now before you say, “Only hoes use those apps, blah, blah, blah…”

You’re right. Hoes do use these apps. Hoes also use the sidewalk. And go to the grocery store. They’re everywhere.

You’re not going to be swiping on goddesses every single time, but you’ll find some gems here and there. Moreover, if you’re struggling to get going in real life–you have a small social circle or are too anxious to ask out a girl in person–online dating will help you get your feet wet and get you moving in the right direction.

I’m not going to go into detail with what your photos, bio, etc. should be, that’s for another post, just use common sense and don’t put up anything ugly.

It is worth noting, however, that if you put in that extra bit of effort to have a few great photos–maybe even some that have been professionally taken–you’ll be miles ahead of the pack.

If you use these apps consistently, you should be able to land several dates per week.

Don’t overthink the “opening message” either.

A simple one that will get you spotted amongst the forever lapping tide of, “hey whats up,” messages a girl has in her inbox is, “Let me guess… you’re [insert ethnicity or nationality here].”

That’s it. That should land you plenty of replies.

Feel free to experiment with something else, but be sure to use a little novelty. Don’t over do it, but do make an effort to not send them something generic.

Step 2. Approach 1-2 girls (or more) every time you leave the house.

Whatever you’re doing, whether it’s for work, play, or an unfortunate and unplanned trip to the pharmacy, make it your mission to approach 1 or more women while you’re out and about.

Don’t overthink this either.

Depending on where you are, just make up some bullshit circumstantial reason to ask them a question, then go from there.

For instance, if a girl is sitting in a coffee shop, you could ask her about her laptop bag because you’re looking for one to buy your sister for her birthday.

(Note: Don’t worry about, “lying,” like this to have something to say. You can tell her it was bullshit later. If it does end up turning into something serious, she’ll love that your relationship began the same way every stupid rom-com starts.)

If you feel like the interaction is going well, it is perfectly normal to ask for her phone number before you leave.

You could also rehash our now classic, “Let me guess…” line if need be, however, unless you’re at a bar or nightclub, I’d avoid asking about their race or nationality.

In this case, it is far better to make it again something circumstantial that has to do with your environment.

Example: “Let me guess.. you’re a student at [xyz school that’s a few blocks away].”

If anxiety gets the best of you when doing this, take baby steps.

Start by just asking women questions or complimenting them, then walking away.

As you get more comfortable, you can push the interactions a little farther each time.

Step 3. Follow the above and you’ll be swimming in ass.

I’m kidding. Well, not really.

Since we know that no one does jack shit and there’s no competition, you probably will be.

While everyone else has their face glued to their Instagram and Facebook, you should have no issue standing out, especially if you follow step 2.

In this age of Soyboys and #MeToo accusations, no one approaches women during the day anymore, so you’ll stick out like a sore thumb.

Ayo hol’ up, so what you be sayin’ about meetin’ high quality women?

Good question – I almost forgot.

While the above is guaranteed to help you meet more women, meeting high-quality women is something you’ll have to filter and screen for yourself.

Now, you could make it a point to join your local Polo team and become a member of the high-end country club down the road, however, that could be a mute point.

You need to decide for yourself what makes a woman high quality, and, likewise, recognize that meeting women is a largely a numbers game.

So whether you’re looking online or in person, quality women will be there, you just need to give it time.

In other words, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you may need to catch a lot of fish before you get a good one.

So get off the internet–unless you’re on the dating apps of course–get out of the house, and get going.

-Your Pal,

Luke

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Dear Men, here is the fool proof way to see if a girl is worth of your time

I know there is this stigma out there that animosity exists between women with different sexual choices, like hoes hate virgins and nonpermiscuous women despise “sluts” and that’s why there is so much “slut shaming” and bullying that occurs. That women are threatened by women who make different choices, or that they are unaccepting, or jealous, or insecure. The truth is that most women are not concerned with another woman’s sexual choices unless she herself is insecure which is more telling of her than the so-called “slut”( or if the woman’s sexual choices directly affect her or her romantic life). But contrary to MTV and Bravo most women do not go around stealing each other’s boyfriends.
When women choose to antagonize other women based on their sexual choices it is just fuel to an already smouldering fire of stereotypes and judgement. When women judge one another for sexual choices that differe from their own, they reinforce the idea that virgins are snobby, prudes or that promiscuous women are shady and disloyal. It also creates spaces for men to say the same things to and about women. Girls that insult and belittle other women are indirectly training men to do the same. If we don’t play nice with each other why would we expect them to?
I myself have many a friend who I would say are “hoes” in the sense that they have received a fare share of dick in their day and are proud of it. And guess what, this might come as a big shocker but I don’t give a shit. I do not feel threatened, insecure or disgusted by their life choices that differ greatly from my own. I do not reprimand them or judge them or criticize them. You know why? Because their sex life does not impact our friendship one bit. They are good friends to me. They call me up out of the blue to ask how I am. They support me and listen to me. They are fiercely loyal.
Dear men, who think that a woman’s sexual history is an indicator of how good a wife, mother, girlfriend, etc she will be, it is irrelevant. My best friend has slept around quite a bit and is one of the most loyal women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I often joke that if I was stranded in the desert and called her up to come drive 20 hours in the middle of the night to rescue me she would be like, “I am sorry I have to get gas first, is it okay if you wait 10 min longer?” She is sincerely compassionate and empathetic and a truly wonderful human, and men would be LUCKY to be with her. I know as her best friend I might be biased, but my point is that sexual promiscuity does not discredit a woman’s loyalty.
I am sorry to all the men who have been hurt by promiscuous women, but you have to stop generalizing blame and jumping to conclusions out of your own insecurity. I don’t know if anyone has told you this but we women are not homogenous in which certain chracteristics define the whole group. For my worsmiths out there that is called stereotyping and prejudice and it has never once helped anyone on the planet ever to negatively stereotype categories of other humans. Please see any history book ever for evidence and examples. It also inhibits you from meeting some truly awesome people out there.
Sexual choices fall into the category of “ correlation not causation” in which there is a correlation between sexual choices and characteristics, but it is not a direct causation meaning you cannot draw definite conclsusions based on a woman’s sexual history. Sexual history is a messy way to define women because love is so fucking messy itself.
Love makes people crazy, it makes you rash and irresponsible and desperate. It turns responsible women into drama queens and strippers and private investigators. Meatloaf said it best when he told us he would “do anything for love” and that is wildly true in the sense that love and hormons and sex drive people to inconceivable actions. Therefore, it is not a controlled variable in determining a woman’s worthiness of your investment. It is also important to factor in other uncontrollable variables such as her relationship with her parents or a history with sexual assault and so on that impact that body count. It is just not a good item to bet on okay?

 

But I am here to tell you what you can use to draw conclusions about a woman, and it will tell you whether she is loyal, trustworthy, compassionate, and worthy of your time. Look at her friendships. This is the goldmine of comprehending a female. Serisouly throw out any other indicators because they are worthless in comparison to taking a hard look at her friendships. Here are some questions to ask:

  1. Does she have friends?
  2. How many?
  3. Are they close, intimate, soul sister friends or friends to socialize with?
  4. How often does she talk with her friends? How often do they hang out?
  5. How long has she been friends with her oldest friend?
  6. How much drama is there in her friend group?
  7. What sort of activities do her and her friends partake in? Clubbing? Binge drinking? Long walks? Travelling? A hobby? Shopping? Gossiping?
  8. How does she treat her friends? Are they priorities or afterthoughts?
  9. Does she complain about her friends or does she speak highly of them?
  10. Is she supportive of them?
The answer to these 10 questions will tell you exactly what kind of person she is and what she will be like in a relationship with you. There are no loop holes, no exceptions, no if ands or buts. A woman chooses her friends and if she chooses wisely they can encourage her to be her absolute best self, but if she chooses poorly that reflects a lack of discipline, clarity and maturity in her.
Women are the most relational gender and female friends are arguably the most powerful force on earth. I would die for my girlfriends. Nuff said. A woman’s friendships is a powerful source of love and encouragement and joy in a woman’s life that nothing else can replace, not even a man. It is a scientific fact that women have more friends than men and have stronger, deeper, more intimate bonds with their friends and that women live longer on average beause of the support of their girlfriends. The love of a girlfriend is some magic,elixir-of-life shit.
So how can those ten questions help a man to determine whether a woman is worth his effort? If a woman has had the same friends for many years it means she is loyal and trustworthy. This also means that regardless of whether she has sucked 100 dicks in her life, if she has had the same bestfriend since kindergarten you can guarantee that she is a loyal person.  I am here to tell you from 24 years of experience with female friendhips that if a girl has had a bestriend since they were kids, she is a dime piece and you would be lucky to have someone as loyal and supportive as her.
Friendship is hard, but if you can last over 10 years with the same girl by yourself you have proven yourself to be loyal and empathetic and compassionate and supportive in a way that no other characteristic can reveal so clearly. This girl loves fiercely and stands up for those she cares about, she invests in relationships for the longhaul and prioritizes others’ needs. If this is how she treats her girlfriends, it is direct depiction of how she will treat you. You want to be treated well and loved hard? Get yourself a girl with a posse of close soul sisters whom she has been friends with for the past decade.
However, if it looks like she is constantly cycling through friends it means she is disloyal and not particularly adept at relationships of any kind. This is the woman you want to stay away from, not the slut, not the whore, but the woman who can’t keep friendships. If she always has a lot of friend drama you can be sure that there will be ugly drama in your relationship too.
Drama is a choice. I hate it when girls complain that drama just “happens” to them all the time. No bitch you chose it. You chose to talk shit about someone else. You chose to engage. You chose to meddle. You chose to prolong conflicts. Everyone has conflict, but drama is the choice to enflate and extend conflict. If a grl chooses drama in her firendships be ready for some ugly fights, nasty words and poor conflict management in your relationship with her.
If a girl spends all her time with her friends drinking, partying and gossiping you better get your running shoes. Now I do not mean that it is a negative sign if a girl like to have fun, rather if that is all she does to socialize with friends it means she cannot have or maintain intimate relationships. It means that the extent of her ability to relate to others is limited to shallow, vapid, surface level interactions rather than true intimacy that comes with vulnerabile conversations and emotional contribution. If you end up dating this type of woman expect to be bored, unchallenged and unable to relate to her on a deeper level. She might be a good fling or a fun person, but she is not someone to spend your life with.
If a woman constantly complains abour or gossips about her friends just know that she is doing the same about you. A person who gossips and trash talks others does not need a particular reason to do so, they just do it and if you cross her path she will certaintly expel some illicit content about you to anyone who will listen. Now there is a difference between venting once in a while or the casual gossip that we are all guilty of, but if she is a chronic complainer, this is an inherent trait abscent of context. Know the difference and be aware.
So lets work to disband the eronious idea that a woman’s sexual past will define what kind of partner they will be. I have several girlfriends who have opened their legs for many a man, but that does not discredit them as wonderful life partners.
My best friend has slept with a lot of guys, many of which were one night stands or casual, drunken encoutners, but she has now been with the same guy for over a year and she is so good to him. But I didn’t need to see it to believe it. Neither is she some anomaly  because I know many more just like her. I have been friends with her for over 15 years and she is the kind of friend I would want beside me when I am hurt or elated, she is who I would tell my deepest secrets to or come to for advice and so it is no surprise to me that she is also an incredible partner to her boyfriend and that her sexual history is irrelevant. 
They say that you are the sum of the 3 people you spend the most time with, so if you want a clear image of what kind of woman you are getting involve with, look not just at her friends but how she interacts with and treats them. This is the BIGGEST most ACCURATE reading of her worthiness in your life.
There is no such thing as a woman without baggage, neither is there a man without baggage, it just looks different for everyone.
Good luck,
Ellie xx
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Millennials are all Closet Romantics

Does our obsession with casual dating stem from actually being hopeless romantics?
We are given so many choices and therefore so many more opportunity for the perfect date, the perfect partner, the perfect hookup, the perfect sex, the perfect night out, the perfect conversation. Is keeping things casual a coping mechanism in which to experience it all without having to diminish choices and commit to any one opportunity? Is casual dating actually indicative of being hopeless romantics searching for something ideal but ultimately unrealistic???
I think there really is some truth in it. I mean let’s look at the facts, based purely on the sheer amount of romantic media available to consume, our generation has been drowning in the stuff since the early 1990s. We grew up with Disney. We witnessed the boom of the rom com in the 1990s and early 2000s. We were #blessed enough to See Titanic in theaters. We were the generation in which other people’s relationships became public a la social media. We can creep on any relationship we want. We can compare and compare until we want to throw up. We can have any amount of romantic content right now all day every day.
More so than any generation before us, we have been privy to more romantic saturation than ever before. And if I had to guess we have been influenced by it. We have been conditioned to expect love. That there is someone special, “the one” if you will, out there for us all. And when we meet them it was will be instant fireworks, chemistry, mind-blowing sex, feverish, all-consuming love. Perhaps we would not admit these standards quite so blazenly, but admit it, this is what we are hoping and yearning for! This is the fantasy we have all been crafting in our heads in some way or another. We are all just waiting for our “meet cute.”
Likewise, we are a generation who has been given so many relationship/dating choices it is like going to a Vegas buffet and telling someone they can only pick one thing for the rest of their life. We millennials want it all and we want it now. This is not a nasty symptom of entitlement, it is normal response to a generation who has been fed a steady diet of instant gratification and Disney since they were children.
Via dating apps I can have sex in 30 min or less like it’s a fucking pizza delivery! And if he is not the one I can peruse no less than hundreds of dating sites and applications and filter through any number of specifications. I could date a black, Muslim, communist if that was my thing. Or a virgin, lion tamer if that got me off. And if that didn’t work we have so many communication tools and transportation networks that literally anyone on the planet could be a possibility. I could date someone in Mumbai via skype. I could whatsapp with my foreign lover in Geneva if I wanted to.
The world is literally our oyster and while this is an incredible testament to advancements in technology its got us a little fucked up. When given so many choices the worst thing we could seem to do would be to settle, especially not when there are 7 billion people out there who might be “better”. It is an anxious persons’ worst nightmare!
Why on earth would we settle down with the seemingly average bloke in front of us when there could be someone cooler, smarter, funnier, more attractive just around the corner! It is unnerving! And worst of all, we are more likely to be dissatisfied with our partner with the knowledge that there are loads more where they came from who might be better in bed, or more attentive to our needs, or make more money or be better listeners!
So what is a privileged millennial to do!? Casual dating starts to make sense when we factor in how many choices we have to sift through. Would it not be better to sample many options and keep all our burners a lit while we weed our way through the crowds of elgible, young singles? And it is better to keep things casual and free of commitment in order to alleviate ourselves from the impending damage of a broken heart while we look for “the one”.
Unfortunately this system too closely resembles a broken HR process. We sift through the choices like job applications, reduced to physical features and career choices and universities. Yet, the people we date are not resumes in a pile for an entry level job. The staggering amount of choice leaves us unfulfilled and entitled. We begin to take other humans for granted, feeling that for every hot girl out there, there are at least a hundred more with bigger tits and cuter friends to rebound with. And so the options begin to lose their humanity.  
All the while our search for “the one” revolves around our needs and wants, rather than partnership or sacrifice. And while we should not settle, our list of deal-breakers grows and grows. We need to stop and ask ourselves whether we are looking for an idea or a human being.
When our list of deal-breakers starts to outrun the things we really want and value in a life partner, it is time to ask ourselves whether we are the ones interrupting our own search and who is the search for love really about? Is it about our happiness and self-actualization, about finding an accessory to our lives, or is about finding another deeply flawed human in which to share life with? One in which we can sacrifice for and love unconditionally and root for despite a laundry list of flaws?
I recently saw this film where the characters talk about why they loved someone and they said that you like someone “because,” as in you liked someone because they were cute, charming and funny, but you love someone “in-spite,” as in you love them inspite of their annoying habits, their lame jokes, and their bald patch. This just hit me right, smack in the feels. How refreshing to see love as seeking out a flawed person instead of the perfect person, because that is the view we all need to take.
The perfect guy or girl doesn’t exist, so give up the chase now. Seriously. And the longer you continue the idealized chase, the harder it becomes to loosen your grip on those pre-determined ideals to fit your fantasy. The carousel of casual dating actually decreases our ability to be content or fulfilled by a mere mortal. 
We all claim that casual dating is “just for fun” and “nothing serious.” But frankly I don’t buy it. I think casual dating is more a defense mechanism in which to safely search for THE ONE without the fear of a broken heart. The sheer amount of choices offer a buffer to stifle a fear of ending up alone with 27 cats. We date like it is a race to get from one choice to next, lest we miss someone “good.”
Somehow we think we have beaten the system, that we really can have it all, but we are all really still just a bunch of kids hoping for a happily ever after. We pretend like casual encounters and speed dating and random hook-ups are enough to satiate us, when we are all just hopeless romantics yearning for someone perfect. When are we going to figure out that perfect does not exist???? 
good luck,
Ellie xx
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