All posts by Ellie Holt

Dear Men, here is the fool proof way to see if a girl is worth of your time

I know there is this stigma out there that animosity exists between women with different sexual choices, like hoes hate virgins and nonpermiscuous women despise “sluts” and that’s why there is so much “slut shaming” and bullying that occurs. That women are threatened by women who make different choices, or that they are unaccepting, or jealous, or insecure. The truth is that most women are not concerned with another woman’s sexual choices unless she herself is insecure which is more telling of her than the so-called “slut”( or if the woman’s sexual choices directly affect her or her romantic life). But contrary to MTV and Bravo most women do not go around stealing each other’s boyfriends.
When women choose to antagonize other women based on their sexual choices it is just fuel to an already smouldering fire of stereotypes and judgement. When women judge one another for sexual choices that differe from their own, they reinforce the idea that virgins are snobby, prudes or that promiscuous women are shady and disloyal. It also creates spaces for men to say the same things to and about women. Girls that insult and belittle other women are indirectly training men to do the same. If we don’t play nice with each other why would we expect them to?
I myself have many a friend who I would say are “hoes” in the sense that they have received a fare share of dick in their day and are proud of it. And guess what, this might come as a big shocker but I don’t give a shit. I do not feel threatened, insecure or disgusted by their life choices that differ greatly from my own. I do not reprimand them or judge them or criticize them. You know why? Because their sex life does not impact our friendship one bit. They are good friends to me. They call me up out of the blue to ask how I am. They support me and listen to me. They are fiercely loyal.
Dear men, who think that a woman’s sexual history is an indicator of how good a wife, mother, girlfriend, etc she will be, it is irrelevant. My best friend has slept around quite a bit and is one of the most loyal women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I often joke that if I was stranded in the desert and called her up to come drive 20 hours in the middle of the night to rescue me she would be like, “I am sorry I have to get gas first, is it okay if you wait 10 min longer?” She is sincerely compassionate and empathetic and a truly wonderful human, and men would be LUCKY to be with her. I know as her best friend I might be biased, but my point is that sexual promiscuity does not discredit a woman’s loyalty.
I am sorry to all the men who have been hurt by promiscuous women, but you have to stop generalizing blame and jumping to conclusions out of your own insecurity. I don’t know if anyone has told you this but we women are not homogenous in which certain chracteristics define the whole group. For my worsmiths out there that is called stereotyping and prejudice and it has never once helped anyone on the planet ever to negatively stereotype categories of other humans. Please see any history book ever for evidence and examples. It also inhibits you from meeting some truly awesome people out there.
Sexual choices fall into the category of “ correlation not causation” in which there is a correlation between sexual choices and characteristics, but it is not a direct causation meaning you cannot draw definite conclsusions based on a woman’s sexual history. Sexual history is a messy way to define women because love is so fucking messy itself.
Love makes people crazy, it makes you rash and irresponsible and desperate. It turns responsible women into drama queens and strippers and private investigators. Meatloaf said it best when he told us he would “do anything for love” and that is wildly true in the sense that love and hormons and sex drive people to inconceivable actions. Therefore, it is not a controlled variable in determining a woman’s worthiness of your investment. It is also important to factor in other uncontrollable variables such as her relationship with her parents or a history with sexual assault and so on that impact that body count. It is just not a good item to bet on okay?

 

But I am here to tell you what you can use to draw conclusions about a woman, and it will tell you whether she is loyal, trustworthy, compassionate, and worthy of your time. Look at her friendships. This is the goldmine of comprehending a female. Serisouly throw out any other indicators because they are worthless in comparison to taking a hard look at her friendships. Here are some questions to ask:

  1. Does she have friends?
  2. How many?
  3. Are they close, intimate, soul sister friends or friends to socialize with?
  4. How often does she talk with her friends? How often do they hang out?
  5. How long has she been friends with her oldest friend?
  6. How much drama is there in her friend group?
  7. What sort of activities do her and her friends partake in? Clubbing? Binge drinking? Long walks? Travelling? A hobby? Shopping? Gossiping?
  8. How does she treat her friends? Are they priorities or afterthoughts?
  9. Does she complain about her friends or does she speak highly of them?
  10. Is she supportive of them?
The answer to these 10 questions will tell you exactly what kind of person she is and what she will be like in a relationship with you. There are no loop holes, no exceptions, no if ands or buts. A woman chooses her friends and if she chooses wisely they can encourage her to be her absolute best self, but if she chooses poorly that reflects a lack of discipline, clarity and maturity in her.
Women are the most relational gender and female friends are arguably the most powerful force on earth. I would die for my girlfriends. Nuff said. A woman’s friendships is a powerful source of love and encouragement and joy in a woman’s life that nothing else can replace, not even a man. It is a scientific fact that women have more friends than men and have stronger, deeper, more intimate bonds with their friends and that women live longer on average beause of the support of their girlfriends. The love of a girlfriend is some magic,elixir-of-life shit.
So how can those ten questions help a man to determine whether a woman is worth his effort? If a woman has had the same friends for many years it means she is loyal and trustworthy. This also means that regardless of whether she has sucked 100 dicks in her life, if she has had the same bestfriend since kindergarten you can guarantee that she is a loyal person.  I am here to tell you from 24 years of experience with female friendhips that if a girl has had a bestriend since they were kids, she is a dime piece and you would be lucky to have someone as loyal and supportive as her.
Friendship is hard, but if you can last over 10 years with the same girl by yourself you have proven yourself to be loyal and empathetic and compassionate and supportive in a way that no other characteristic can reveal so clearly. This girl loves fiercely and stands up for those she cares about, she invests in relationships for the longhaul and prioritizes others’ needs. If this is how she treats her girlfriends, it is direct depiction of how she will treat you. You want to be treated well and loved hard? Get yourself a girl with a posse of close soul sisters whom she has been friends with for the past decade.
However, if it looks like she is constantly cycling through friends it means she is disloyal and not particularly adept at relationships of any kind. This is the woman you want to stay away from, not the slut, not the whore, but the woman who can’t keep friendships. If she always has a lot of friend drama you can be sure that there will be ugly drama in your relationship too.
Drama is a choice. I hate it when girls complain that drama just “happens” to them all the time. No bitch you chose it. You chose to talk shit about someone else. You chose to engage. You chose to meddle. You chose to prolong conflicts. Everyone has conflict, but drama is the choice to enflate and extend conflict. If a grl chooses drama in her firendships be ready for some ugly fights, nasty words and poor conflict management in your relationship with her.
If a girl spends all her time with her friends drinking, partying and gossiping you better get your running shoes. Now I do not mean that it is a negative sign if a girl like to have fun, rather if that is all she does to socialize with friends it means she cannot have or maintain intimate relationships. It means that the extent of her ability to relate to others is limited to shallow, vapid, surface level interactions rather than true intimacy that comes with vulnerabile conversations and emotional contribution. If you end up dating this type of woman expect to be bored, unchallenged and unable to relate to her on a deeper level. She might be a good fling or a fun person, but she is not someone to spend your life with.
If a woman constantly complains abour or gossips about her friends just know that she is doing the same about you. A person who gossips and trash talks others does not need a particular reason to do so, they just do it and if you cross her path she will certaintly expel some illicit content about you to anyone who will listen. Now there is a difference between venting once in a while or the casual gossip that we are all guilty of, but if she is a chronic complainer, this is an inherent trait abscent of context. Know the difference and be aware.
So lets work to disband the eronious idea that a woman’s sexual past will define what kind of partner they will be. I have several girlfriends who have opened their legs for many a man, but that does not discredit them as wonderful life partners.
My best friend has slept with a lot of guys, many of which were one night stands or casual, drunken encoutners, but she has now been with the same guy for over a year and she is so good to him. But I didn’t need to see it to believe it. Neither is she some anomaly  because I know many more just like her. I have been friends with her for over 15 years and she is the kind of friend I would want beside me when I am hurt or elated, she is who I would tell my deepest secrets to or come to for advice and so it is no surprise to me that she is also an incredible partner to her boyfriend and that her sexual history is irrelevant. 
They say that you are the sum of the 3 people you spend the most time with, so if you want a clear image of what kind of woman you are getting involve with, look not just at her friends but how she interacts with and treats them. This is the BIGGEST most ACCURATE reading of her worthiness in your life.
There is no such thing as a woman without baggage, neither is there a man without baggage, it just looks different for everyone.
Good luck,
Ellie xx
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Millennials are all Closet Romantics

Does our obsession with casual dating stem from actually being hopeless romantics?
We are given so many choices and therefore so many more opportunity for the perfect date, the perfect partner, the perfect hookup, the perfect sex, the perfect night out, the perfect conversation. Is keeping things casual a coping mechanism in which to experience it all without having to diminish choices and commit to any one opportunity? Is casual dating actually indicative of being hopeless romantics searching for something ideal but ultimately unrealistic???
I think there really is some truth in it. I mean let’s look at the facts, based purely on the sheer amount of romantic media available to consume, our generation has been drowning in the stuff since the early 1990s. We grew up with Disney. We witnessed the boom of the rom com in the 1990s and early 2000s. We were #blessed enough to See Titanic in theaters. We were the generation in which other people’s relationships became public a la social media. We can creep on any relationship we want. We can compare and compare until we want to throw up. We can have any amount of romantic content right now all day every day.
More so than any generation before us, we have been privy to more romantic saturation than ever before. And if I had to guess we have been influenced by it. We have been conditioned to expect love. That there is someone special, “the one” if you will, out there for us all. And when we meet them it was will be instant fireworks, chemistry, mind-blowing sex, feverish, all-consuming love. Perhaps we would not admit these standards quite so blazenly, but admit it, this is what we are hoping and yearning for! This is the fantasy we have all been crafting in our heads in some way or another. We are all just waiting for our “meet cute.”
Likewise, we are a generation who has been given so many relationship/dating choices it is like going to a Vegas buffet and telling someone they can only pick one thing for the rest of their life. We millennials want it all and we want it now. This is not a nasty symptom of entitlement, it is normal response to a generation who has been fed a steady diet of instant gratification and Disney since they were children.
Via dating apps I can have sex in 30 min or less like it’s a fucking pizza delivery! And if he is not the one I can peruse no less than hundreds of dating sites and applications and filter through any number of specifications. I could date a black, Muslim, communist if that was my thing. Or a virgin, lion tamer if that got me off. And if that didn’t work we have so many communication tools and transportation networks that literally anyone on the planet could be a possibility. I could date someone in Mumbai via skype. I could whatsapp with my foreign lover in Geneva if I wanted to.
The world is literally our oyster and while this is an incredible testament to advancements in technology its got us a little fucked up. When given so many choices the worst thing we could seem to do would be to settle, especially not when there are 7 billion people out there who might be “better”. It is an anxious persons’ worst nightmare!
Why on earth would we settle down with the seemingly average bloke in front of us when there could be someone cooler, smarter, funnier, more attractive just around the corner! It is unnerving! And worst of all, we are more likely to be dissatisfied with our partner with the knowledge that there are loads more where they came from who might be better in bed, or more attentive to our needs, or make more money or be better listeners!
So what is a privileged millennial to do!? Casual dating starts to make sense when we factor in how many choices we have to sift through. Would it not be better to sample many options and keep all our burners a lit while we weed our way through the crowds of elgible, young singles? And it is better to keep things casual and free of commitment in order to alleviate ourselves from the impending damage of a broken heart while we look for “the one”.
Unfortunately this system too closely resembles a broken HR process. We sift through the choices like job applications, reduced to physical features and career choices and universities. Yet, the people we date are not resumes in a pile for an entry level job. The staggering amount of choice leaves us unfulfilled and entitled. We begin to take other humans for granted, feeling that for every hot girl out there, there are at least a hundred more with bigger tits and cuter friends to rebound with. And so the options begin to lose their humanity.  
All the while our search for “the one” revolves around our needs and wants, rather than partnership or sacrifice. And while we should not settle, our list of deal-breakers grows and grows. We need to stop and ask ourselves whether we are looking for an idea or a human being.
When our list of deal-breakers starts to outrun the things we really want and value in a life partner, it is time to ask ourselves whether we are the ones interrupting our own search and who is the search for love really about? Is it about our happiness and self-actualization, about finding an accessory to our lives, or is about finding another deeply flawed human in which to share life with? One in which we can sacrifice for and love unconditionally and root for despite a laundry list of flaws?
I recently saw this film where the characters talk about why they loved someone and they said that you like someone “because,” as in you liked someone because they were cute, charming and funny, but you love someone “in-spite,” as in you love them inspite of their annoying habits, their lame jokes, and their bald patch. This just hit me right, smack in the feels. How refreshing to see love as seeking out a flawed person instead of the perfect person, because that is the view we all need to take.
The perfect guy or girl doesn’t exist, so give up the chase now. Seriously. And the longer you continue the idealized chase, the harder it becomes to loosen your grip on those pre-determined ideals to fit your fantasy. The carousel of casual dating actually decreases our ability to be content or fulfilled by a mere mortal. 
We all claim that casual dating is “just for fun” and “nothing serious.” But frankly I don’t buy it. I think casual dating is more a defense mechanism in which to safely search for THE ONE without the fear of a broken heart. The sheer amount of choices offer a buffer to stifle a fear of ending up alone with 27 cats. We date like it is a race to get from one choice to next, lest we miss someone “good.”
Somehow we think we have beaten the system, that we really can have it all, but we are all really still just a bunch of kids hoping for a happily ever after. We pretend like casual encounters and speed dating and random hook-ups are enough to satiate us, when we are all just hopeless romantics yearning for someone perfect. When are we going to figure out that perfect does not exist???? 
good luck,
Ellie xx
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First post: We are all fucked… and not in the good way

 

Welcome to 2018 where everything is easier and more accesible than ever before! Not only are movies, TV, music, food and fucking all instant, but it is now easier than ever before to hate yourself! In the mood to be objectified and manupulated? Tinder and it’s breeding ground for fuckbois has you covered! It should not take longer than 10 seconds after sending a simple hello to receive an unsolicited dick-pic! 

Having some trouble shedding those extra pounds?Not to worry! You can effortlessly peruse your Facebook page and find yourself face to face with a nauseating assortment of horrendous current world events and the obnoxious opinions and grammatical errors of your 599 closest friends and family! That ought to have you puking up your lunch in no time! 
Fancy feeling like a fat loser? Instagram is a quick, painful way to see how size zero, narcissistic twenty something models are spending their days and their parent’s money in ways that will have you wondering why on earth you are at a lame-ass nine to five instead of Soul Cycle. 
But the dating scene…*cue nausea *I find myself caught in between an aloof, self-righteous stance toward it and a full-on melt down. Okay I get it, the 50s are over. Men don’t take women on dates any more, likewise women don’t wait to put out anymore. Gender norms have been cancelled. Feminism and fucking are in and virginity and housewives are out. Times have changes. We are progressive now. Women are sexually liberated. The problem is that neither gender has a fucking clue how to respond!
 
Never before have the rules of dating been so undefined, so murky. Never before could you send a stranger a digital picture of your genetalia. Never before could you so easily get a woman to sleep with you, it is almost as if she too wanted to get laid! Amazing! Never before was it so socially acceptable for both men and women to meet and bone all in the space of three hours. It’s time to throw out the Juicy Couture tracksuit (jk these are totally still comfy af), say goodbye to Blockbuster and settle into 2018. Welcome to the jungle. 
And yet people are confused, scared, and disoriented by all this social change in gender roles or their lack-their-of. There is no longer a protocal or hegemony to keep us in check. The only rules are that there are no rules. Women can ask a man out. Men can be stay-at-home dads. Relationships don’t have be defined. You can have regular sex with your platonic friend and no one has to expect anything more. 
Yet, with so much confusion the dating terrain has become infested with scapegoats. Sluts. Fuckboys. Nice guys. Bitchy women. They are all to blame for an impossible dating climate. So we cope with this new, rugged landscape by blaming others, denying responsibilty, clinging to plausible deniability, creating impossible standards, criticizing other lifestyles, calling irresponsible behavior “empowering,” and claiming victimhood.
 As women, when we get what we want we are “empowered bad bitches,” but when we don’t get what we want we are vicims of a shameless dating culture. Without parameters, immature, hypocritical behavior abounds. But it is also a natual response to a dating scene that is basically a free-for-all fuckfest. 
Likewise, men don’t know how to respectfully repsond to a culture where women can have casual sex and don’t have to get married or have kids, and women do not know how to handle this new found freedom in healthy, responsible ways. So we end up with a culture that points fingers and whines and cries victim because they don’t like to lose a game with undefined, ever-changing rules. 
And I am there too, in the thick of it. I’ve played the sadistic texting games and swiped right and left and ghosted my fair share of decent people whom I was “bored” of. I answered the phone when my girlfriends have called in tears to tell me about getting pumped and dumped. I have listened to my fratty guy friend tell me about the “hoes” that have screwed him over and which types of vaginas he thinks are gross without a hint of irony. 

And the conclusion I have come to is that we are all fucking confused and insecure. We are hurt and scared and fumbling in a dark room where the only logical resposne is self-preservation at all costs.

So now that I’ve got you all nodding your heads fervantly, picturing all the fuckbois that did you wrong and the crippling insecurity that drove them to behave like monkeys, lets take a minute to discuss. We are all both perpetraitors and victims in this aggressive dating world.
This blog is a disucssion of dating in 2018 as we know it, why it is the way that it is and how we as responsible, respectable, mature, bad-bitches can respond to it. I am so glad that we live in a world where it is okay to be different and do life differently. I am eccsatic that women can have jobs and marry for love, and not because her parents picked out the farmer nextdoor. I have goosebumps thinking about women being more highly educated than men and being able to vote and have sex without having to wear scarlet A’s, yet this privllege comes with repsonsibilty, for both men and women. It comes with responsibilty for both the women who forge these new paths in dating and the women who choose not to. It also comes with responsibility for the men who dare to evolve with the new culture and for the men who choose not to. 
I am not here to sugar coat anything. Nor am I here to abide by any warm-fuzzy, political correctness to assuage our fragile egos. My advice is to lean into the wild diversity of dating in 2018- don’t fight it, don’t complain about it, don’t bemoan the bygone era of the 1950s and dates to the Soda Shoppe. 
Know what you want and go after it, but embrace the challenges and the opportunities that no other generation before us has ever encountered. Save the complaints for a retrospective night 50 years from now when you tell your grandchildren that they are doing romance all wrong and it is just isn’t like the good ol’ days of Tinder anymore.
As we embark on and continue in this confusing jungle of “u up” texts and “we are just talking,” let’s just all admit that this is mostly a mystery to all of us and we are really all just playing it by ear. Please don’t take yourself too seriously. 
Part of being a mature adult is understanding how much you don’t know and how much more there still is to learn. I always say that the wisest person is the person who says “I don’t have all the answers” and really means it. I would be lying if I said I was some kind of dating guru, I don’t have a fucking clue. I get nervous in front of people I find attractive. I have serious trust issues with men. Frankly I am just here offing unsolicited advice. 
But before you set your Ipad down, roll your eyes and go back to stalking your ex on Instagram, allow me to grasp at the strings of your broken, cynical, millennial hearts. Let’s discuss this crazy, new dating universe with a new dialogue, void of how we wish dating could be, and instead focus on how we can be better members of this new culture.

 

Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor,
Ellie x
 
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