Monthly Archives: December 2018

Dear 2018: Thank u, next

“Thank u, next.” Anyone want to make a bet on how many girls are gonna use this as the caption on their ‘gram tonight????

And while many girls are going to spew Arianna Grande lyrics all night and still end up in the bed of their fuckboi hookup who can’t/won’t commit this New Year’s Eve, you, you reader, are an intellectual. You will not let 2019 beat yo ass the same way 2018 did. You will get real about working out, getting clear skin, leaving behind toxic relationships, being responsible, saving money, paying off debt, and making strides in your career. You know why? Because you, enlightened 20-something-year-old reader are making the life-altering realization that your 20s aren’t just for fucking around/ finding yourself.

Sure there ought to be a bit of that, but don’t let the internet and memes and society lead you astray with the misguided notion that your 20s are a bullet proof time to make mistakes and you are invincible from any real consequences. If you are gonna make mistakes in your 20s they need to be things like starting a business and watching it fail and then being inspired to work harder or realizing you are dating a shit person and then leaving for one that is more fulfilling. When did “finding yourself” go from meaning “self growth and exploration” to trying fuck as many people as possible during your gap year in Eastern Europe? But somewhere along the way everyone confused “your 20s is for making mistakes” to mean that your 20s is to act like an irresponsible moron without consequences. False. Every day my Instagram feed is convoluted with memes that romanticize acting a fool in your 20s and sleeping with fuckbois and blacking out and being poor and making poor choices. If you can really laugh at those sorts of choices without irony or self-deprecating humor you are privileged. Most of us can’t get away with living like that without consequences, it catches up to us.

Our twenties are about setting yourself up to live and have lived an awesome life in your 30s and 40s and 50s and beyond, not making poor choices and hoping they will all just be funny stories in the nursing home. Because the truth is that these choices matter, maybe not a single one, but they add up and a whole decade of living recklessly and irresponsibly is masochistic.

Instead let your 20s be the years you build your empire. Have fun, play hard, work hard, and have adventures. Don’t waste your weekends getting drunk and hooking up with losers. Meet people with ambition and goals and self-respect. Be patient with relationships. Leave toxic relationships behind. Don’t waste your best years of health and vitality sitting on the couch eating Kraft Mac n’ cheese watching Netflix. Eat healthy, get a fitness routine, pick up a new sport, try new things, form a skincare routine. Don’t waste prime earning years squandering your money on bullshit like going out and tanning salons. Invest your money. Get a Roth account. Save. Save. Save. Live at home if you must. Live within your means. Stop eating out all the time. Learn to cook. Bring a lunch. Start using coupons. Set aside money for investments like property and stocks. Save money for emergencies. Don’t take our loans unless your ROI is proven. Don’t “buy” things if you can only afford to lease them. Work hard at your job. Show up on time. Grow and develop your professional resume. Network. Always look ahead to your next career move. Set goals. Don’t waste your time seeking instant gratification, instead seek out long term results and fulfillment.

Don’t let age 30 creep up on you while you are still at the bar picking’ up chicks and going home with fuckbois and eating drunk pizza at 2am wondering where your life went and why you didn’t leave the college life behind when you graduated?

Forget the socially-ingrained lie that it is better to not care or to not “give a fuck,” because that is how to keep expectations and unhappiness at bay. In 2019 you should absolutely give a fuck. Care about hobbies and people and your career and your future. Respect this next year as an opportunity to lay a foundation for the next year and the year after that and the year after that, and watch as you lap everyone around you. Cheers!

good luck and happy New Year,

Ellie x

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20 Types of Hookups

 

Unfortunately not all hookups are as sexy as this highly edited, posed photograph…

Hooking up.

Awww yes, the common dating practice of our cultural zeitgeist. Some love it. Some hate it. But whether you like it or not it is happening. Sorry mom and dad.

There is definitely a time and place for “the hookup” and it is generally in your 20’s when you are trying to discover who the hell you are. The hookup is often a catalyst to discovering what you like, what you don’t. What feels good and what feels like garbage. It is also a great space to figure out what you are actually doing. First assignment: find the clit.

It is also an often necessary hurtle in determining that hooking up is actually not sustainable. Sorry folks. The chances are slim that you will still be slamming vaj or sucking a new dick on the reg when you are 45. By that point you will have probably decided that you have been there and done that. But how else are you to know if you have not “been there and fucked that???”

A hot new conquest every month or year is usually only fun during that decade of self exploration we call our twenties. After that we start to wonder if this is it? Or responsibility calls our name away from the frat house basements and weekends spent blacking out and blacking back in mid-coital. You can only head home with blurry memories of a sweaty night in between the sheets so many times before you decide to retire for a life of soccer games and family screaming matches board game night. One day you’ll decide it is time to exchange screaming into your partner’s ear that you are going to cum for screaming at the ref at your child’s t-ball game. But that is ages away, so live in the now and enjoy being horny and in your twenties.

Yet in your 20s is the best time to cut loose and get freaky with a diverse assortment of characters. Some will provide us with titillating memories that we will take to the grave, and others will have you hanging your head in shame wondering what exactly you were smoking. So what types of players can you expect to end up in bed with as you set out on your Carrie Bradshaw-esque expedition???

  1. The friends-with-benefits-whom-you-secretly-love hookup– not to cause an uproar at the use of stereotypes, but this is a pretty common occurrence among females and it is just because of the way our brains and bodies work. We get attached okay??!! Things start out casual and steamy and then heaven forbid those pesky feeling get involved and you start fantasizing about a real bona fide relationship. Unfortunately he or she just isn’t on the same page…

2. The self-esteem boost- this is the person we go to when we want to feel desired. When the fish just aren’t biting and the dating apps have gone cold, we return to old faithful to make us feel less like leftover, soggy fries. This is the person whose bodies we are probably using just to get a self esteem boost. It is nice to feel wanted okay??

3. The “alcohol made me do it’ hookup– if you are in college there is a 10/10 chance you will experience this one. Alcohol makes us both horny and illogical, two powerful aides in the hookup. Alcohol is also a valuable tool of plausible deniability when we don’t want to take responsibility for what we did or who we did.

4. The rebound– breakups are hard, but guess who isn’t thinking about their ex while cumming all over some other girl’s tits???

5. The study abroad hookup– i mean did you even study abroad if you didn’t fuck Paulo and get to sing with him in a live concert while also twinning with his duet partner??? When in Rome…

Not all of us can expect to have as good a time as Lizzie

6. The we-are-never-going-to-see-each-other-again hookup– similar to the study abroad hookup in which the decision to have sex is based primarily off the fact that you will never see this person again, or perhaps not for a long time, and that itself is a catalyst for YOLO and FOMO, better get a move on.

7.  Fuck buddies- all you do is fuck. The word “buddies” is superfluous and unnecessary.

8. Cure the loneliness hookup– Sometimes loneliness lowers our standards in which a desperate beast emerges, clamoring for the dick or pussy, of someone, anyone. Sometimes we are moving on from someone else and just need a good fuck to set us back on the path of logic and confidence.

9. The sober booty call– much less ubiquitous than the drunk counterpart, but hey it happens. Not all hookups have to be at night under the clouds of intoxication. Sometimes we actually like to remember what happened. Sometimes we like to start our mornings with a healthy bang.

10. The dating app hookup – or as I like to call it: The pizza delivery of sex. 90% of people on dating apps are just trying to bang and these people are not worried about “stranger danger.” These can either end in a great story to regale your brunch compatriots with, or with you dead in a ditch with severed limbs. Up to you whether it is worth the gamble.

11. Hate sex– you swore you would never end up with someone like them. You detest their entitled attitude. you loath their arrogance and douchey ways. You disagree with everything they say, in fact you disagree with their very existence. And yet, where did your clothes go???? You know they say that hate and love are actually more closely related than we think.

12. The “ooops i did it again” – Oh no you have woken up to find yourself naked in bed with the same guy whose number you swore up and down to your friends you would block. Well, better fuck him one more time for good measure before you say goodbye… for good this time…

 13. The douche-we all have that one (or more…) sexual experience where we acted like a total douche. Maybe we told someone to leave in the morning or lied to get them in bed…

14.  “somebody fell in love and now it is awkward” – You said you just wanted something casual, and now they are “in love” and “can’t imagine their life without you” and ” think you are God’s gift to them” and blah blah blah… what a drag.

15. The hot stranger- maybe they are in your class, maybe you saw them from across the room at a party. You know next to nothing about each other and that is the way you would like to keep it as you rip each other’s clothes off.

 16. The weird kink– this is the hookup where the person turns out to be a major freak, or in an effort to sound more tolerant and less judgey, they er… have different sexual preferences than you do. Perhaps they wanted you to fuck them in the ass with a dildo during your first sexual encounter. Maybe they have a hundred dolls on their bed all watching you with their beady eyes as you bone. *shivers*

17. The hookup who shall not be named – this hookup is like Voldemort, even just saying their name inspires fear, regret and terror. Perhaps it was a major regret, like sleeping with an ex or a friend’s ex, or just a super freaky/ugly/horrible person whom you never want to remember being naked with. Either way you don’t want to re-live it.

18. The numbers game– the hookup you have just to reach a certain number of sexual conquests.

19. Resume sex– the sex you have just for the story. Perhaps it was to fuck a teacher or to sleep with a cage dancer in Vegas. Or maybe you didn’t have anywhere you sleep one night so you fucked someone for somewhere to stay. It is about forgoing regret and doing something for the sake of how hilarious it will sound being re-told at brunch this weekend.

20. The Everybody-has-done-it– Everyone has had sex with this guy or girl and so you would be an absolute loser to call yourself a promiscuous, sexually liberated individual without having gotten busy with this person. It is sort of a social rite of p(ass)age if you will.

*Bonus #21 The hookup that turns into a real relationship! A hookup as rare as a virgin in the college Greek system, this is one where both parties have sex/fool around/makeout/hand stuff/get naked and then mutually decide they have feelings for one another, and then use words to discuss their feelings and their desires for a committed relationship…and then follow through! But hey just because it is rare does not mean it does not exist or cannot happen!

Some hookups will have you singing from the rooftops with post-coital pleasure while others will have you drowning your miseries in an over-indulgence of Ariana Grande. Thank u, next anyone?? Either way, the hookup is a valuable learning experience meant to de-mystify sex and give you plenty of inappropriate stories to regal your grandchildren with.

I look forward to decades from now when nursing homes are full of millennials reminiscing about Tinder hookups and memes from their youth, while the young nurses shake their heads fondly wishing it was like the old days when people still ghosted and drunkenly had sex with their friends. Awww how romance has died… they will think to themselves.

Good luck,

Ellie xo

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