Getting it On: Millennial Edition

From the desk of Lucas Valentine
Subj: Are Millennials the True “Hook-up Generation?”

Warning: This Post may challenge your perception of reality. Reader discretion is advised.

Imagine this.

You’re sitting at home on a Friday night.

You’re bored.

You’re lonely.

You peer through your messages app and gaze at all the text threads you have between friends.

Unanswered messages. That you sent.

“Ah well. I guess I’ll just check WhatsApp,” you think to yourself.

Same story. Strike two.

“I’m sure everyone’s just tired from the work week. You can’t go out every weekend!” 

“I’ll just have a quick browse through Instagram…”

Your heart sinks.

Looks like you won’t have a happenin’ time this evening.

And everything that is happening, is apparently happening without you.

As you try and decide what to do with yourself for the night, a thought crosses your mind, painting itself into a vivid and colorful picture…

Oh no…

Young men and women frolicking into the street, skipping hand-in-hand, shrouded with joy after having just departed from a crazy and wild party nearby.

All the young, horny, adolescents soon begin to dart into nearby bushes, cars, and any other dark and dimly lit spaces they can find.

You observe–in horror–as their perfectly shaped silhouettes begin to move to and fro’, bouncing up and down amidst moans and groans of pure ecstasy.

Yet there you are.

Still at home.

Alone.

And worst of all…

Sexless…

“Oh God,” you think. “I’m a loser!!”

While this horrendous scenario of loneliness may represent your typical weekend night, this dry daydream horror story is nothing but fiction.

Contrary to popular belief, the younger generations in the United States are having less sex than their older counterparts.

Shocking. I know.

In fact, it was reported that 57% of men and 51% of women between the ages of 18 to 24 have not had sex once in the last year.

Once.

Good God. That’s HALF of us youngin’s that are apparently hopping into bed with every stranger we meet.

Likewise, the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine has announced that the frequency of sex amongst the 16 to 44-year-old crowd has been steadily decreasing over the past two decades.

What initially was recorded as a sexual frequency of 6.3 times per month between couples and singles ten years ago has now dropped to 4.8 times per month.

Bummer.

Talk about getting labeled as the generation that hooks-up with reckless abandon.

So, Millennials don’t actually hook-up?

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

There is definitely some merit to this label.

Before I go on with this discussion, it is worth noting that while this aforementioned data is revealing that millennials do indeed have less sex than any other generation before them, the evidence suggests that the number of partner’s one has over their lifetime has actually increased dramatically.

In other words, while sexual encounters per year have decreased, the number of partners that make up those sexual encounters has increased.

So then what’s the deal?

Too much Netflixxin’ and not enough chillin’?

While the sheer amount of sexual imagery around us has seemingly increased tenfold, it’s odd to think that the sexual activity surrounding this imagery has subsequently decreased.

A quick google search will reveal that today, many millennials prefer the ease of screen-based entertainment like watching YouTube videos than going outside to look for a date.

Even then, with uber-packed work schedules and the desire to pack their resumes with as many things as possible,  there may not even be enough time in the day to squeeze in a little romance.

So if you find yourself in a job working 40+ hours per week with 1-2+ hrs of commuting, it’s not too surprising that vegetating in front of the couch and watching some Hot Game of Thrones nooky sounds a helluva lot better than getting rejected by your crush at the bar.

Hopefully not your average Game of Thrones viewer.

Moreover, what’s the point of even leaving the house when you can swipety-swipe-swipe on your convenient smartphone apps versus having to put yourself out there?

So yes.

There is a bit too much netflixxin’.

I could go on, but you get the point.

People aren’t having sex.

Especially the younger generations.

Hell, if you’re having sex on average 3 times per week, you’re most likely in the top 5%-10% of humanity.

And Westerners?

Probably the top 1%.

To me, 3 times per week isn’t even that much.

So, if you and your bed buddy are hitting that 5-7+ times per week sweet spot (or 7-14+ times for us perverted folks), you’re basically apart of the sexual elite.

In fact, I think elite may even be an understatement.

Perhaps even royalty.

A photo of sexual royalty captured on a hidden camera.

Usually, when your average person is having sex 3+ times per week, this is almost always only a temporary state.

Mr. or Mrs. average stumbled into a sexual relationship by chance–probably by just saying the right things down at the ol’ watering hole while on the search for their next rebound–and they’ll enjoy this fling for the next 4-10 weeks.

Or however long those things typically last.

And once that fling falls through, once again, your average person finds themselves facing yet another sexual famine.

Oh, the horror!

So if you’re able to keep up your sexual frequency week after week and year after year, you’re quite the special person.

It’s sad to say that, historically, the regularly sexxed man or woman was a common element in society.

Monogamous relationships lasted throughout one’s lifetime and frequently people paired up early.

But now?

They’re an anomaly.

Indeed, it is quite rare.

What’s all this mean?

Millennials have ditched long-lasting and sexually filled monogamous relationships for short-term thrills. Which, ironically, are even shorter than we’d like to think.

Instead of having that one special person in your life whom you get to know extremely well, coupled with getting laid every week and weekend night you desire, a trade has now been made.

A hot and fast fling lasting several weeks–possibly several months–followed by dry-spells which seem to last upwards of 6-12 months.

Is this better?

Worse?

You decide.

I’m just the bearer of facts.

Maybe you’re one of the few that none of this data applies to. If so, keep doing what you’re doing!

One thing this does mean though is that there is probably even less competition than you initially thought.

Close to none.

As always, It’s worse than you think.

Pour Conclure

The millennial generation has ditched a regular sexual frequency with one partner for sporadic, short bursts of sexual pleasure with different partners, followed by depressingly long dry streaks.

While we like to imagine that the young folks of today are ‘bumpin’ uglies’ with everyone they meet, that’s probably just a select minority in the spotlight of all the drama.

So if you like regular sex, a girlfriend or boyfriend might be your answer.

Pro Tip: You probably won’t find your perfect partner on Tinder. Just sayin’.

But if you’re the lone wolf type, just remember, most people haven’t gotten laid in 6+ months, so you’re bound to make someones day if you stay persistent.

Just be sure to make use of your dating apps and approach every hottie you see on the street.

You’ll probably be the most exciting thing that’s happened to them in quite awhile.

Have fun out there.

Your Pal,

Luke

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