I would like to add a female perspective to the rousing debate of whether or not women really do like bad boys and if so do nice guys in fact finish last??
Allow me to answer this as simplistically and eloquently as possible.
We have zero interest in a push-over of a man who hopes that if he can just call us pretty or get the check at dinner we might bless him with a view of our tits.
Dating should not be a charity case alright?
Nice guys might be “nice” but they are not alluring or exciting or dangerous. Where is the thrill in “nice” ?
Apparently women have masochistic dating tendencies where they would much rather get fucked over by a jerk with a bad attitude than suffer through a date with a man who loves his mother and opens the door for her.
Men often bemoan this illogical predisposition of women. And frankly I get it. I would be frustrated too if I had spent my whole life trying to be nice to women, because duh morals, and then end up finding out that she wants a jerk instead. And what’s worse is that women will complain about the jerk incessantly. She will cry over this guy for years, but still run back to his lying, cheating, bitch- ass over and over again. I would be cynical towards women too if I too thought my two choices in life were to either be “the nice guy” who can’t score, or some sort of despot with zero respect for bitches.
But as a women myself, I feel like this is a cliché that needs some unpacking, not just for men, but for women as well. Because lets be honest, there is some truth to this. Girls do like bad boys and run from the so-called “nice guys.”
What is the problem with being “nice” you ask?
Women don’t really have a problem with guys who are nice, like yes please by all means open doors for me, treat me with respect, give me complements, but that CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be the way that you show initial affection or interest. A guy who shows his interest in a woman by simply being nice is boring as fuck. And we don’t want it. The guy who spends the first date telling you that you look pretty and bringing you flowers is predictable and lacks excitement. Any man can open a door. It is generic. You think you’ve done something meaningful and no other man can offer the same?
Are you following me?
“Niceness” is not the problem. The problem is men who think that being nice is enough. That “niceness” is deserving and entitled to ass or attention. Or that niceness is enough to warrant attraction. Wrong.
What is it about jerks that is so dreamy???
Yet, It is not that we want someone who is gonna treat us like dirt. Obviously I am not a masochist who cant wait to be with a guy that ignores me, cheats on me, is rude to me, and cannot commit. The idea of the bad boy as an aphrodisiac stems from a need for a thrill. Girls want a little bit of an adrenaline rush, hence why we love drama so damn much. Also:
- mystery surrounding an enigmatic, rebellious man
- confidence is sexy (even though its probably arrogance)
- jerks exude charm and charisma to get what they want
- knowing what they want and going after a woman is HOTTT
- the feeling that any love worth having should be earned
- the sexual tension that accompanies trying to beat a player at their own game
- the sexual tension that accompanies a man who cant be deciphered
- women love a broken man that they can “fix”
- a flawed man gives a woman something to work on and pursue
- the rush of emotions that accompanies being with a jerk, such as frustration, confusion, and excitement is an addictive thrill
Women like a little bit of the chase that accompanies being with someone that is just out of grasp. We like the drama that comes with “will he, or wont he” and the inevitable thrill of trying to lock down a man who just does not want to be locked now. At the end of the day we really just want to be pursued by a man whom we thought was unattainable. Yes, we like the drama and the thrill and the rush of emotions that comes with a “bad boy,” yet the thrill does in fact wear off. The truth of the matter is that if you truly are that jerk you might get pussy for a while, but girls won’t stick around forever. At some point we will learn to respect ourselves, get the hell over you and go for someone who treats us better, even if it is a “nice guy”. Do not mistake that arrogance and bullying will land you endless pussy.
Okay, so if being “nice” is a turn off and morals still matter, how should men behave???
If I am being honest i think that many a man has lost the art of the flirt in this generation. Where is the teasing? The witty banter? The rapid-fire back and forth? That is the stuff that stokes the embers of the slow burn! Women want to be teased! That roguish sense of reckless abandon and self- sufficiency is the secret ingredient in the “jerk” or the “bad boy” that gets women hot and bothered, and why women yawn when a man puts all his romantic hopes in opening doors and being merely polite.
Flirting should always error on the opposite side of polite. Polite is boring. Manners are boring. You know what is not? Teasing. Witty banter. Heated discussions. Testing the boundaries that women actually want you to test. We want you to cross the line and say something bold, or act rashly, or take charge. It demonstrates strength. Be a little controversial. Do not ask for permission. A man who acts with unabashed confidence is the one women want.
This is inter-connected with what my friend, Luke explained in his post on the subject. He makes the claim that what girls like about so-called jerks is their strength, both mentally and physically. It is not their sinful ways that get women excited. It is that they go after what they want and are not dependent upon the fickle whims of others to fulfill their needs. They are masculine brutes who do not beg. They do not ask for permission. They do. They act. They look out for themselves and their best interests and they hold their own. Women are interested in men who look out for their own needs and by association her needs, not a man who hopes for handouts.
The thing a woman most desires in a man is his strength, whether that be self-assurance, physical strength, strength of characters, fortitude, confidence, and/or the feelings of security she feels with him. These are the masculine traits in which she is attracted to and ones which her desire for him hinge upon.
When a man puts a woman on a pedestal he relinquishes his power, the one thing a woman is attracted to in him.
This element of strength is what is missing from a man that feels somehow entitled to a woman because he showed some bottom-feeder kindness. When a man acts out of hopeful “niceness” it can wreak of desperation, a scent that women are repulsed by.
Women want to be dominated, not in a cruel, subordinate sort of way, but in a masculine, strong, controlling sort of way that has her best interests at heart. When a man does not demonstrate strength, women subconsciously interpret this as a lack of dominance. They see that he will not dominate them in the way they desire to be. Technically the opposite of dominance in a man is desperation. He is either dominant or desperate. The two are mutually exclusive.
Now for the ladies screaming at their computer screens with indignant rage that I promote such an idea as dominance in any other area besides BDSM, hear me out.
There is a huge difference between a male that dominates women out of controlling, manipulative insecurity and a man who takes charge and demonstrates strength in his relationship and always makes decisions with his woman’s best interests at heart. That is the true difference, it is really whether he had her best interests at heart or not when he takes control. This is what women truly want and are attracted to.
You know that sit-com trope of the nagging wife who bosses her dead beat husband around? Well, pro tip here but that is not a healthy relationship and it is not at all what women are interested in. We want to be able to trust our partners to take control, but to do so in a respectful way that manages our best interests and those of the relationship. We do not want to be the bosses! We do not want to nag or be bossy! Only one person can be dominant at a time in a relationship, and if a woman has to be dominant it means her man is lacking the very qualities that draw her to him.
Treat her well, but DO NOT make her your whole world
Men looking to woo and seduce women, Do: treat her well, with respect and kindness and affection. Do NOT: make her your world. Frankly women do not want to be a man’s world.They just want to exist in it. Women want to be let into your personal, private world. They want to be made privy to a space that you have not let other women into. That is what makes us feel special and unique and desired, but we do not want to be your whole world. We want to cheer for you and encourage you, but making a woman the focal point of your existence is a good way to scare one off. It says to the woman that I have no other life goals or priorities in my life, and her, knowing full well that that is a pathetic life achievement, will become skeptical of your strength and therefore your attractiveness.
This is the secret sauce that jerks know and nice guys fail at. A nice guy is desperate enough to make a woman his whole world, while a so-called jerk never puts all his eggs in the basket of one woman.
So what is the takeaway?
The thing about “jerks” that chicks dig so much is their strength and their confidence, their sense of self that dissuades them from timid gestures and polite conversation and instead emboldens them to take charge and act with entitled recklessness. This is the man that will keep a woman holding on and coming back for more.