20 Types of Hookups

 

Unfortunately not all hookups are as sexy as this highly edited, posed photograph…

Hooking up.

Awww yes, the common dating practice of our cultural zeitgeist. Some love it. Some hate it. But whether you like it or not it is happening. Sorry mom and dad.

There is definitely a time and place for “the hookup” and it is generally in your 20’s when you are trying to discover who the hell you are. The hookup is often a catalyst to discovering what you like, what you don’t. What feels good and what feels like garbage. It is also a great space to figure out what you are actually doing. First assignment: find the clit.

It is also an often necessary hurtle in determining that hooking up is actually not sustainable. Sorry folks. The chances are slim that you will still be slamming vaj or sucking a new dick on the reg when you are 45. By that point you will have probably decided that you have been there and done that. But how else are you to know if you have not “been there and fucked that???”

A hot new conquest every month or year is usually only fun during that decade of self exploration we call our twenties. After that we start to wonder if this is it? Or responsibility calls our name away from the frat house basements and weekends spent blacking out and blacking back in mid-coital. You can only head home with blurry memories of a sweaty night in between the sheets so many times before you decide to retire for a life of soccer games and family screaming matches board game night. One day you’ll decide it is time to exchange screaming into your partner’s ear that you are going to cum for screaming at the ref at your child’s t-ball game. But that is ages away, so live in the now and enjoy being horny and in your twenties.

Yet in your 20s is the best time to cut loose and get freaky with a diverse assortment of characters. Some will provide us with titillating memories that we will take to the grave, and others will have you hanging your head in shame wondering what exactly you were smoking. So what types of players can you expect to end up in bed with as you set out on your Carrie Bradshaw-esque expedition???

  1. The friends-with-benefits-whom-you-secretly-love hookup– not to cause an uproar at the use of stereotypes, but this is a pretty common occurrence among females and it is just because of the way our brains and bodies work. We get attached okay??!! Things start out casual and steamy and then heaven forbid those pesky feeling get involved and you start fantasizing about a real bona fide relationship. Unfortunately he or she just isn’t on the same page…

2. The self-esteem boost- this is the person we go to when we want to feel desired. When the fish just aren’t biting and the dating apps have gone cold, we return to old faithful to make us feel less like leftover, soggy fries. This is the person whose bodies we are probably using just to get a self esteem boost. It is nice to feel wanted okay??

3. The “alcohol made me do it’ hookup– if you are in college there is a 10/10 chance you will experience this one. Alcohol makes us both horny and illogical, two powerful aides in the hookup. Alcohol is also a valuable tool of plausible deniability when we don’t want to take responsibility for what we did or who we did.

4. The rebound– breakups are hard, but guess who isn’t thinking about their ex while cumming all over some other girl’s tits???

5. The study abroad hookup– i mean did you even study abroad if you didn’t fuck Paulo and get to sing with him in a live concert while also twinning with his duet partner??? When in Rome…

Not all of us can expect to have as good a time as Lizzie

6. The we-are-never-going-to-see-each-other-again hookup– similar to the study abroad hookup in which the decision to have sex is based primarily off the fact that you will never see this person again, or perhaps not for a long time, and that itself is a catalyst for YOLO and FOMO, better get a move on.

7.  Fuck buddies- all you do is fuck. The word “buddies” is superfluous and unnecessary.

8. Cure the loneliness hookup– Sometimes loneliness lowers our standards in which a desperate beast emerges, clamoring for the dick or pussy, of someone, anyone. Sometimes we are moving on from someone else and just need a good fuck to set us back on the path of logic and confidence.

9. The sober booty call– much less ubiquitous than the drunk counterpart, but hey it happens. Not all hookups have to be at night under the clouds of intoxication. Sometimes we actually like to remember what happened. Sometimes we like to start our mornings with a healthy bang.

10. The dating app hookup – or as I like to call it: The pizza delivery of sex. 90% of people on dating apps are just trying to bang and these people are not worried about “stranger danger.” These can either end in a great story to regale your brunch compatriots with, or with you dead in a ditch with severed limbs. Up to you whether it is worth the gamble.

11. Hate sex– you swore you would never end up with someone like them. You detest their entitled attitude. you loath their arrogance and douchey ways. You disagree with everything they say, in fact you disagree with their very existence. And yet, where did your clothes go???? You know they say that hate and love are actually more closely related than we think.

12. The “ooops i did it again” – Oh no you have woken up to find yourself naked in bed with the same guy whose number you swore up and down to your friends you would block. Well, better fuck him one more time for good measure before you say goodbye… for good this time…

 13. The douche-we all have that one (or more…) sexual experience where we acted like a total douche. Maybe we told someone to leave in the morning or lied to get them in bed…

14.  “somebody fell in love and now it is awkward” – You said you just wanted something casual, and now they are “in love” and “can’t imagine their life without you” and ” think you are God’s gift to them” and blah blah blah… what a drag.

15. The hot stranger- maybe they are in your class, maybe you saw them from across the room at a party. You know next to nothing about each other and that is the way you would like to keep it as you rip each other’s clothes off.

 16. The weird kink– this is the hookup where the person turns out to be a major freak, or in an effort to sound more tolerant and less judgey, they er… have different sexual preferences than you do. Perhaps they wanted you to fuck them in the ass with a dildo during your first sexual encounter. Maybe they have a hundred dolls on their bed all watching you with their beady eyes as you bone. *shivers*

17. The hookup who shall not be named – this hookup is like Voldemort, even just saying their name inspires fear, regret and terror. Perhaps it was a major regret, like sleeping with an ex or a friend’s ex, or just a super freaky/ugly/horrible person whom you never want to remember being naked with. Either way you don’t want to re-live it.

18. The numbers game– the hookup you have just to reach a certain number of sexual conquests.

19. Resume sex– the sex you have just for the story. Perhaps it was to fuck a teacher or to sleep with a cage dancer in Vegas. Or maybe you didn’t have anywhere you sleep one night so you fucked someone for somewhere to stay. It is about forgoing regret and doing something for the sake of how hilarious it will sound being re-told at brunch this weekend.

20. The Everybody-has-done-it– Everyone has had sex with this guy or girl and so you would be an absolute loser to call yourself a promiscuous, sexually liberated individual without having gotten busy with this person. It is sort of a social rite of p(ass)age if you will.

*Bonus #21 The hookup that turns into a real relationship! A hookup as rare as a virgin in the college Greek system, this is one where both parties have sex/fool around/makeout/hand stuff/get naked and then mutually decide they have feelings for one another, and then use words to discuss their feelings and their desires for a committed relationship…and then follow through! But hey just because it is rare does not mean it does not exist or cannot happen!

Some hookups will have you singing from the rooftops with post-coital pleasure while others will have you drowning your miseries in an over-indulgence of Ariana Grande. Thank u, next anyone?? Either way, the hookup is a valuable learning experience meant to de-mystify sex and give you plenty of inappropriate stories to regal your grandchildren with.

I look forward to decades from now when nursing homes are full of millennials reminiscing about Tinder hookups and memes from their youth, while the young nurses shake their heads fondly wishing it was like the old days when people still ghosted and drunkenly had sex with their friends. Awww how romance has died… they will think to themselves.

Good luck,

Ellie xo

Gen Y Sexual Economics

From the desk of Lucas Valentine
Subj: An Excerpt from the Lecture Hall of Ph.D. Sexual Economist W. Anton from the Screw. U. Department of Sexual Economics

Sexual Economist & Ph.D. W. Anton

W. Anton: “Settle down class. We are about to begin.”

“Go on. Take your seats.”

*The disheveled class takes their seats and becomes increasingly silent.*

W. Anton: “In today’s lecture, we will pick back up from where we left off yesterday. Supply and demand.” 

*Displays Pie Charts of declining marriage rates on PowerPoint.*

“In today’s sexual economy, it is apparent that marriage rates amongst the younger generations are steadily declining.

Can anyone answer why?”

*A nerd in the center of the classroom raises his hand*

W. Anton (Pointing): “Yes, you, Glasses. Go on.”

Nerdy Nicolas (Enthusiastic; Lisp): “Because the market value of sex in the modern sexual economy has plummeted, and men no longer have to commit to women to get sex!”

W. Anton: “Interesting. So, what are you saying, to be exact?

Could you be implying that only men desire sex?

That women use sex as a resource as a means to another end?

Is it not true that women, too, enjoy sex?”

Nerdy Nicolas (Nervous; Lisp): “It is true, sir.

But men and women experience sex differently.

Men are much more sexually permissive than women, and often connect sex less frequently to romance than women.

In other words, men desire regular and frequent sexual satisfaction–romantic or not–much more than women do. If this weren’t true, wouldn’t there be more male prostitutes? More male strip clubs?”

W. Anton (Perplexed): “I see. So why, then, do women have sex? Please, continue.”

Nerdy Nicolas (Growing in Confidence; Lisp): “Women often have sex beyond simply desiring sexual pleasure.

They choose to have sex to affirm their desirability, ensure relationship security, and strengthen commitment with their partners.

In the sexual economy where men desire sex more so than women, women are able to subsequently use sex as a resource. Women decide if a sexual relationship will happen.” 

W. Anton (Pleased): “Very well. *Someone* has been reading their textbook.” 

*Casts disappointing gaze at failing class.* 

W. Anton (Begins to Pace the Classroom): So tell me. If women are the gatekeepers of sex, then what is the price of sex?”

*Silence from classroom*

*Pixie cut and septum pierced Sarah raises her hand*

W. Anton (Pointing): “Yes. You.” 

Septum Sarah: “The price of sex is whatever the market dictates.” 

W. Anton (Still Pacing): “Correct.

And, today, what is the market dictating?”

Septum Sarah (Smirking): “It’s fluctuating.”

W. Anton (Still Pacing): “And what, miss, is making it fluctuate?”

Septum Sarah (Matter of Fact): “The social and cultural norms of our society.”

W. Anton (Points to Pie Chart): “And what are the social and cultural norms of our society?”

Septum Sarah: “That commitment is no longer a requirement for sex. Sex and commitment are no longer intertwined. The sexual market has become split.”

W. Anton (Impressed by Student): “Split, you say?

And why would that happen? What do you mean?”

Septum Sarah (Pops Bubble Gum): “Because of the pill.”

W. Anton (Intrigued): “And what is the significance of said pill?”

Septum Sarah (Looking Bored): “Since there is no longer a risk of pregnancy when having sex, sex and commitment are now viewed as two separate entities.”

W. Anton: “And how does this relate to the market becoming split?” 

Septum Sarah: “Since the majority of men are interested in sex, whereas the majority of women prefer relationships or marriage, the market has–as I have already said–become split into two separate pieces.

One section of the market is namely looking for short sexual encounters, whereas the other side is looking for relationships or marriage.

The short sexual encounters side is namely inhabited by men, whereas the relationship-seeking side is mostly inhabited by women.”

W. Anton (Enthusiastic): “Bingo! And what are the longterm implications of this split market?”

Septum Sarah: “Women hold the power with respect to short-term sexual relationships, whereas men hold the power regarding long-term romantic relationships.”

W. Anton (Warm Smile): “I hope you’re all paying attention to this ‘A’ student, class.”

W. Anton (Begins to Pace the Classroom Again): “I believe we are on to something here class.

Now let me ask you this.

Do men really ‘avoid commitment’ in the relationship game? Do they actually desire to NOT have a relationship?

Come now, class. Don’t be shy. We’re doing so well!”

*Bashful Becca nervously raises her hand.*

W. Anton (Pointing; Excited): “Very well! Let’s hear what you have to say.”

Bashful Becca: “Men don’t really, ‘avoid commitment,’ in the sense that they are ‘afraid’ of it if that’s what you’re implying.”

W. Anton:That is what I am implying. And why do they not?”

Bashful Becca: “Because men act exactly the way women permit them to. If no woman would hook-up with a man outside the context of a relationship, there would be no hook-up or pre-marital sex culture whatsoever.

All men would be willing to be in relationships if it meant the only way of securing sex.”

W. Anton: “Excellent! Is there more?”

Bashful Becca: “Yes. Unlike women’s fertility which begins to decline past age 35 or so, a man’s fertility can last well into his old age.

Since many men believe they now have ‘all-the-time-in-the-world,’ their desire to get into a serious relationship has plummeted considerably.”

W. Anton: Precisely. And how has this been affecting the men of today?”

Bashful Becca: “It’s been noted that by nearly every measure of contemporary life, today’s men are failing to adapt. In other words, their motivation to excel in school and the workplace has plummeted.”

W. Anton: You’re getting warmer. And what does this reveal?”

Bashful Becca: That men’s primary motive for excelling in life is sex, and when they are able to secure this easily without needing to excel in life, they don’t. There’s no need to when at the end of the day they’re getting exactly what they want.

So if women banded together and demanded a higher price for sex, such as more wooing efforts and less pre-marital sex, then marriage rates would probably return to normal or even rise.”

W. Anton: “And will such a thing ever happen? This talk of women banding together to demand a higher price?”

Bashful Becca: “Probably not. There are always girls trying to figure out how to short the market one way or another.”

W. Anton: “And what about the men? Will they ever change their ways?”

Bashful Becca: “Only if short-term sexual relationships either become too risky once again because of possible pregnancies, or pre-marital sex becomes very, very frowned upon.

Other than that, I’m not sure why they would. Life doesn’t seem too bad for them.

It seems like sex is quite largely available, and at a discounted price.”

W. Anton: “Excellent. I hope everyone else paid attention to these three students. They’ll know the answers to the extra credit questions.

But will you?

Okay, class. That’s enough for today. I’m going to let you all off a little early so you have more time to study for our exam this Friday.”

W. Anton (Winks): “If anyone needs help, please come to my office hours.”

I’m sure we can..er… work out any problems you may have with this upcoming exam.

Class Dismissed.”

Where did all the “good men” go????

 

So last week I talked about “good girls” and how to spot such “scarce” creatures in the millennial dating world. If you haven’t already read it please see last week’s post: Where did all the “nice girls” go???

The conclusion was that while many a man wonders what happened to the types of women they would not cringe at the thought of taking home to meet mom, the truth is that men are in need of changing their OWN perspective and their dating behavior in order to find higher quality women.

But I am always one for gender equality.

Girls experience the same male-burnout and probably even on a larger scale. They complain about the limited choices of “good men” that treat them right and don’t play games. They bemoan the sparse options of men with good jobs and aspirations to be fathers. Women grumble and whine over being pumped and dumped by yet another loser who “couldn’t commit” and so they find themselves asking,” where did all the good men go?” What happened to the men who asked women on dates instead of to “netflix and chill?” What happened to the men that were respectful and opened doors?

Well, ladies as much as you want to think that men are from mars and women are from venus, you share more than you think with your testosterone counterparts.

The truth is the same for men as it is for women. Jerks exist. They always have and always will. It is womens’ jobs to sift through the unreliable dicks, filter through the loser who just want to fuck, get realistic about their standards, and change their dating behavior. Because there are lots of great guys out there, it is your job to find them. It is also your job to accept that if you have been pumped and dumped a lot (or whatever it is you are sick of), it is not just because men ain’t shit. It is important to recognize that you may also be part of the problem.

If you are wondering where all the “good dudes” went you are probably asking this for 1 of 3 reasons.

1. You are having sex too soon with too many strangers
2. You are only meeting men in the party scene
3. You have seen too many Disney films and your expectations are unfathomably high and unrealistic.

Does this look familiar? That is because men and women are both guilty of the same attitudes and behaviors that invite low quality men and women. So this might sound redundant, but it is absolutely necessary to see how men and women thrust the same unrealistic expectations, coupled with a complete lack of self-responsibility upon one another and then complain when they can’t seem to have any romantic success with the opposite sex. You are responsible for only one person’s behavior and that is your own and so if you want to see changes in your dating pool, and kinds of people you date, hookup with, and get into relationships with, you need to start with yourself.

Let’s get started with a little dating makeover shall we?

1. Have sex. Yes girl, I am a proponent of having sex when you want and with whom you want. Have casual sex. Have one night stands. But if this is not making you happy or fulfilling you, or you are ready for a more committed relationship, it is time to stop having sex right away. Ladies, it is all about filtering. If you want to know that a dude won’t just pump and dump you, don’t have sex with him right away. If he is willing to wait, chances are he is in it for more than just pussy.

But I like sex, I want to have sex. I don’t want to have to suppress my sexuality.

That is fine. I gotchu. Have sex whenever you would like, all I am saying is that if you are no longer finding hookups to be very fulfilling and they keep bringing along jerks, it is time to change your strategy. Stupidity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results right? Jerks gravitate to girls that are willing to have sex right away because it is easy and requires very little masquerading as a “good man.” This is not to say that you can’t find a nice guy hooking up, it is just that the odds are considerably against you. For a lot of women that risk is not one they want to take. Delaying sex also gives you the valuable chance to see what he is all about. You want to test drive before you buy right? Spending time with a guy without sex will show you who he is when he is not just handed what he wants. Delaying sex is not about controlling or manipulating men, it is about filtering men to determine whether they are a worthy investment or not.

2. Ugh. I cannot stress enough how unlikely it is you are going to find a guy who wants to settle down and have five kids and join the PTA with you in the party scene. Ladies please do not expect to meet Prince Charming at a rave. Why? Because those dudes are out for a good time, they are the ones trying to get with fresh pussy, and try new drugs and think they will never EVER settle down. They also probably don’t do their own laundry either. Stop going to bars every weekend looking like a bunch of street walkers and wonder where all the good men went???

3. I am sorry to say that Disney probably left us with some unrealistic expectations about romance. Like the fact that Eric was wiling to marry a naked, mute girl on the beach. Or that abusive, manipulative kidnappers make good lovers. Girls are uber guilty of fantasizing about unrealistically perfect men. They want Christian Grey and The Notebook and Titanic and Peter Kavinsky (sorry had to name drop again) all rolled into one. Too often girls expect to be treated like princesses because duh they are sugar, spice and everything nice right?Well… While women should undoubtedly be treated well, this is an unfair and selfish standard to put on men. Relationships are about reciprocity and mutual respect, not finding a man who will put you on a pedestal and worship the ground you walk on. It is time to get real with yourself and ask yourself whether or not you are putting unfair expectations on romance and men in general. And the truth is that most women only think they want Prince Charming. Do you really want a man who would fall in love at first sight? Doesn’t that mean that he could easily fall in love again with someone else and that you really were not that special? Do you really want a pussy-whipped beta that would willingly submit to you? Nah, me either girl. ladies, it is time to get real about your standards. By all means, hold out for good men and respect and love and kindness, but do not set men up to fail with your unrealistic expectations.

Okay so where are all these good men at that women can supposedly lure in with these new dating mindsets?

1. They are working on themselves. The “good men” you dream about are not sitting on their asses playing video games and they are not out chasing ass (if they are getting ass it’s because ass comes to them). These men are improving themselves, they are working on their careers, getting fit, eating right, socializing with people that build them up, they are getting educated, they are learning new tricks and trades. They are productive and proactive

2. But…they probably are not in college. Those dudes are still in party mode and won’t emerge for a a few years.

3. They probably are not in their early twenties. These guys are like 6th graders with large forearms and cars and bank accounts.

4. They probably are not on dating sites. As I have said, we all know a few couples that met on a dating app and are getting married, but don’t let this lure you into thinking that you too will meet your handsome prince while scrolling through Tinder at 2am, drunk. Those people are the exception not the rule. The truth is that most young dudes on dating apps are looking for hookups. And ladies, please do not deceive yourself into thinking that “but only if he just met me, he would want more than a hookup!”

5. The “good men” are putting themselves and their missions in first place, so they are not out trying to pick up women. They are not slaves to getting laid, eager to manipulate, lie and ooze sleaze in order to sleep with a new woman. And because of this women present themselves. If you want to meet “good men” you need to also put yourself in self-improvement situations like a new class, running a marathon, a career networking community, leadership roles, local government, volunteering, and mentorship roles. This is where you will find men who want to be better versions of themselves, and it also a good opportunity to see them in action. You aren’t going to meet him waiting at home for him to climb up your hair.

 

I get it, after a few years in the Gladiatorial arena of dating we start to feel cynical. Everyone is either a liar, jerk, asshole, manipulator, narcissist, or some lethal combination. And so we become pessimistic about the sorts of choices out there. We emerge with the tatters of our hearts after a few too many broken hearts, and we wonder if we should write men off altogether. Maybe a convent would not be so bad? Or the cool, drunk aunt that always travels and never married?

But often times we forget that we are in charge of our own dating behaviors and the contexts we put ourselves in. We set the standards. We make the rules. We decide who gets a pass into our lives. We filter.

Your attitudes and behaviors invite men that correspond. When you demand more you get more.

If we are tired of a parade of fuckboys, it is time to start re-evaluating where we meet guys and how we engage with them.

We also need to understand the lens through which we view men and determine how that influences our standards. Are we expecting him to ride in on a white steed? Are we hoping for a fairytale and then wondering why we cannot seem to like any guys we go out with? It is also noteworthy to say that if you want a high value man you need to be a high value woman. Be the kind of girlfriend, you think your dream man deserves or is looking for.

Contrary to the seemingly endless supply of fuckboys, good men do exist in the wild, you just have to be willing to ditch the party scene, filter sooner and more throughly and remove the rose tinted glasses. And remember you can’t change the boys, but you can change yourself.

And to all the boys who don’t meet your new and improved criteria.

Thank u, next.

good luck,

Ellie xx

Where did all the “nice girls” go???

Dear men,

if you and your bros find yourself huddled around Monday Night Football, comparing chest hair, beers in hand, (idk is this how dudes hang out? Somebody verify please) lamenting the bygone era of “good girls,” allow me to enlighten you as to why you find yourself in such a slump and how you might level up to the company of good women.

First you are asking this question for 1 of three reasons

1. You are just trying to fuck
2. Your social life is bound to the party scene
3. You are an entitled prick with unrealistic assumptions about women and what you “deserve” you entitled asshole

Once you can categorize the context of this predicament you can see how you might need to alter your strategy. I have to laugh when I hear men complaining about the lack of quality women out there, and how they are all “hoes,” (it is probably the same feeling of injustice men feel when girls all over Tumblr complain about the lack of “good men”-stay tuned for more on that) because the truth is that you might be more of the problem than you think.

I am not going to spew some justification shit where I claim that all women are perfect, angel princesses with rainbows coming out of their asses, and that men ain’t shit, but a general rule of thumb that I like to gently remind people of is that if you are experiencing reoccurring problems in your dating life, it is probably you. Or can at least can somewhat be chalked up to your own behavior. Please see The Before-You-Date-Checklist. 

There are for sure some low quality women out there. There are women trying to squeeze out your every last dime for child support, alimony and Balenciaga bags. There are women who actually think Amy Schumer is funny. There are women trying to affirm themselves by getting with as many dicks as possible. There are women struggling with low self worth who will act out and throw tantrums to validate themselves. There are women who poke holes in condoms. There are women who think Michael Cera’s movies are actually good. There are narcissistic and vapid women. There are women who will blame you of sexual assault just to manipulate you.

I don’t advise trying to meet potential wives anywhere near these signs…

But there is really no use complaining about the kinds of women who are frankly inevitable. These women have and will always exist. They are nothing new. They are not the product of spontaneous generation, thrust upon the millennials like a Biblical plague.

The only actions you are responsible for are your own, and if you are unhappy with these types of women constantly showing up in your life it is time to make some changes in how and where you meet women, and the sorts of choices you make about who you invest time in.

This advice goes for men on all levels of the dating game, whether that be hooking up, or in relationships to looking to settle down. The point is that even if you are just fucking a girl and nothing more, that is still an investment of your time and if you respect your time you will invest it wisely in the types of women who are enhancing your life, not detracting from it. That is on you, not them.

So who are good women? What do they even look like? Where do you meet these specimens?

1. Good women are a diverse set – I mean it is subjective of course. One man’s trash might be another’s treasure, right? There is no such thing as “the perfect woman” or some gold standard in which to hold women up to. You have to let go of this idea of a single, perfect female out there.

2. I think we all know the kind of woman that men idolize: tall, blonde, long legs, big tits, “ass that will swallow up a g-string” (courtesy of Kanye). Submissive but also smart. Opinionated but also demur. Self sufficient, but is also dependent on her man. Sexually inexperienced, but also a freak in the sheets. Funny, but like not too funny. You get my point? The ideal woman is a set of contractions. She is like Peter Kavinsky, (only girls will get this reference) she does not exist. Let go of your unfathomably unrealistic standards. They are getting in the way of you seeing the everyday goddesses all around you.

3. “Good women” are not bouncing from man to man. You know the type- of course you do, we all do. She is the girl that cannot be alone. She HAS to have a boyfriend and will rebound from one to the next in like 48 hours straight. Too often, the woman most worth your time is the woman who is comfortable being alone and is secure in her identity without a man.

4. These women are not the women you meet as you stare through blurry, drunken eyes around the basement party at 5am when you don’t want to go home alone. True love is probably not the drunk girl slurring her words, with vomit dribbling down her front as she begs her friend to give back her phone so she can text her ex (although perhaps give her a few years to mature and learn to hold her liquor).

5. Be wary of women you meet out partying, or drinking, or at a bar, or similar contexts. Not because only hoes and tramps and girls with daddy issues are out at bars (duh not true) but because the stats are just less in your favor. If she is in the party phase of life, as lots of girls 19-26 are, she is more likely to just be looking for a good time and not for a meaningful relationship. Meaning that while she might be awesome for a night of debauchery, she is less likely or wanting to be a nurturing and supportive girlfriend/wife/life partner/sister wife (whatever you are in the market for).

6. So here is a fun fact about women. We will step into the roles that you give us. Treating a woman like a long term investment will inspire her to act more like a long term investment ( unless of course she does not want that). Treating a woman like a one night stand will keep her as just that (unless she wants that). It is kind of like parenting where if you treat a kid like a misbehaving nuisance, guess what, they will keep being one, but if you treat your child like a responsible child, they will step up to the plate to prove you right.

7. Don’t expect to find true love on a dating app either. Yeah yeah we all have that one friend who met her fiancee on Bumble or whatever, but please understand that they are special snowflakes and you are more likely to find a hot hookup or Friday night plans on a dating app rather than the mother of your children.

8. A good woman will be the woman with a lot of friends- good, long term friends – please see: The Fool Proof Way to see if a Girl is Worth your Time.

9. A good woman will be the woman who can handle conflict with grace and class. She is the woman who chooses her battles. Please see : The Before-You-Date-Checklist     

10. Fear not! Good women are everywhere! You just have to wipe the entitled bullshit from you eyes to find them! They are in the cubicle next to you. They are walking their dog in your neighborhood. They are your friend’s friend. They are shopping for fair trade, Non-GMO quinoa at your local Co-Op. They are your accountant! (don’t be afraid of successful women who are good at math!)

Not to pick on girls who like to go out, or idealize girls who enjoy knitting on Friday nights, but from my experience those “high quality” women that men are lamenting, are usually not out busting a move at the local watering hole every weekend. So please toss out all those bar scene pick up lines. Instead, exchange them for getting to know women on a inter-personal level in an interest-based/commonality context, such as a group setting, a class, the workplace, sports, mutual friends, church, blah blah, basically anything but a situation without the pretense of “this is where people are on the prowl” (okay maybe scratch the Church suggestion). Women will be a) more receptive and less guarded about your intentions and b) less likely to just be looking for a good time and have more serious dating objectives.

would 10/10 recommend a library pick up

So back to my first three questions.

1. You can’t be just trying to fuck and be looking for a “good woman” – the two quests are incompatible. If you are just trying to fuck you are only going to end up with girls who also just want to fuck. They might be totally awesome, empowered women, but since neither of you are expressing interest in a relationship, neither of you are going to demonstrate relationship-material qualities. She probably is not going to treat you the way a girlfriend would treat you, and so you unfairly end up labeling her a ” slutty bitch,” and in the words of the patriarchy, “you asked for it.”

2. As stated above, only meeting women who are out for a night of revelry is only going to introduce you to one type of woman, the party-er. Here is what to know about the party-er a) she is probably only looking for a good time aka not a good man so don’t be surprised if she isn’t picking up what you are putting down b) her social life revolves around drinking and going out so she might be fun, but maybe not much deeper than that (you want someone who has other interests beside mini skirts and vodka right?) c)  strong correlation (not causation) to other vices you might not be fond of, like drugs or binge drinking or drunk texting her ex.

3. Also, as stated above, don’t spend your days jerking off to the idea that someday you are going to take the virginity of a Victoria Secret Angel. Don’t fixate on the ideal woman whom you think you are entitled to because you are a “nice guy.” Being nice does not mean you get to pass “go,” collect $200 and then fuck a demur, virginal, Megan Fox. Neither does being an athlete or a celebrity or being rich or driving a Tesla entitle you to some idealistic fantasy that 0.00000000000001 men will end up with. There is a big difference between men who are confidence and self-respecting and those who are entitled. Men who are entitled think they deserve women, while confident men know that they are good enough to earn a good woman.  Having an entitled attitude about women blinds you to the “good women” that you probably encounter every day without even noticing. Seriously they are everywhere. Whole Foods is full of them. They love the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. Your local Cross Fit gym. In line at Chipotle. Perusing the aisles at the library. Signing a down payment for a car at the local dealership because she pays her own bills and has her life together.

The moral of the story is:

Stop your whining. Good women abound. You just need to cast aside the entitlement goggles, update your hangouts, ditch the bar scene, “next” women who are not enhancing your life, widen your gaze to the hotties in line at Trader Joes, and stop jerking off to unrealistic fantasies (*cough cough porn).

Ready. Set. Date.

Good luck,

Ellie xx

Getting it On: Millennial Edition

From the desk of Lucas Valentine
Subj: Are Millennials the True “Hook-up Generation?”

Warning: This Post may challenge your perception of reality. Reader discretion is advised.

Imagine this.

You’re sitting at home on a Friday night.

You’re bored.

You’re lonely.

You peer through your messages app and gaze at all the text threads you have between friends.

Unanswered messages. That you sent.

“Ah well. I guess I’ll just check WhatsApp,” you think to yourself.

Same story. Strike two.

“I’m sure everyone’s just tired from the work week. You can’t go out every weekend!” 

“I’ll just have a quick browse through Instagram…”

Your heart sinks.

Looks like you won’t have a happenin’ time this evening.

And everything that is happening, is apparently happening without you.

As you try and decide what to do with yourself for the night, a thought crosses your mind, painting itself into a vivid and colorful picture…

Oh no…

Young men and women frolicking into the street, skipping hand-in-hand, shrouded with joy after having just departed from a crazy and wild party nearby.

All the young, horny, adolescents soon begin to dart into nearby bushes, cars, and any other dark and dimly lit spaces they can find.

You observe–in horror–as their perfectly shaped silhouettes begin to move to and fro’, bouncing up and down amidst moans and groans of pure ecstasy.

Yet there you are.

Still at home.

Alone.

And worst of all…

Sexless…

“Oh God,” you think. “I’m a loser!!”

While this horrendous scenario of loneliness may represent your typical weekend night, this dry daydream horror story is nothing but fiction.

Contrary to popular belief, the younger generations in the United States are having less sex than their older counterparts.

Shocking. I know.

In fact, it was reported that 57% of men and 51% of women between the ages of 18 to 24 have not had sex once in the last year.

Once.

Good God. That’s HALF of us youngin’s that are apparently hopping into bed with every stranger we meet.

Likewise, the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine has announced that the frequency of sex amongst the 16 to 44-year-old crowd has been steadily decreasing over the past two decades.

What initially was recorded as a sexual frequency of 6.3 times per month between couples and singles ten years ago has now dropped to 4.8 times per month.

Bummer.

Talk about getting labeled as the generation that hooks-up with reckless abandon.

So, Millennials don’t actually hook-up?

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

There is definitely some merit to this label.

Before I go on with this discussion, it is worth noting that while this aforementioned data is revealing that millennials do indeed have less sex than any other generation before them, the evidence suggests that the number of partner’s one has over their lifetime has actually increased dramatically.

In other words, while sexual encounters per year have decreased, the number of partners that make up those sexual encounters has increased.

So then what’s the deal?

Too much Netflixxin’ and not enough chillin’?

While the sheer amount of sexual imagery around us has seemingly increased tenfold, it’s odd to think that the sexual activity surrounding this imagery has subsequently decreased.

A quick google search will reveal that today, many millennials prefer the ease of screen-based entertainment like watching YouTube videos than going outside to look for a date.

Even then, with uber-packed work schedules and the desire to pack their resumes with as many things as possible,  there may not even be enough time in the day to squeeze in a little romance.

So if you find yourself in a job working 40+ hours per week with 1-2+ hrs of commuting, it’s not too surprising that vegetating in front of the couch and watching some Hot Game of Thrones nooky sounds a helluva lot better than getting rejected by your crush at the bar.

Hopefully not your average Game of Thrones viewer.

Moreover, what’s the point of even leaving the house when you can swipety-swipe-swipe on your convenient smartphone apps versus having to put yourself out there?

So yes.

There is a bit too much netflixxin’.

I could go on, but you get the point.

People aren’t having sex.

Especially the younger generations.

Hell, if you’re having sex on average 3 times per week, you’re most likely in the top 5%-10% of humanity.

And Westerners?

Probably the top 1%.

To me, 3 times per week isn’t even that much.

So, if you and your bed buddy are hitting that 5-7+ times per week sweet spot (or 7-14+ times for us perverted folks), you’re basically apart of the sexual elite.

In fact, I think elite may even be an understatement.

Perhaps even royalty.

A photo of sexual royalty captured on a hidden camera.

Usually, when your average person is having sex 3+ times per week, this is almost always only a temporary state.

Mr. or Mrs. average stumbled into a sexual relationship by chance–probably by just saying the right things down at the ol’ watering hole while on the search for their next rebound–and they’ll enjoy this fling for the next 4-10 weeks.

Or however long those things typically last.

And once that fling falls through, once again, your average person finds themselves facing yet another sexual famine.

Oh, the horror!

So if you’re able to keep up your sexual frequency week after week and year after year, you’re quite the special person.

It’s sad to say that, historically, the regularly sexxed man or woman was a common element in society.

Monogamous relationships lasted throughout one’s lifetime and frequently people paired up early.

But now?

They’re an anomaly.

Indeed, it is quite rare.

What’s all this mean?

Millennials have ditched long-lasting and sexually filled monogamous relationships for short-term thrills. Which, ironically, are even shorter than we’d like to think.

Instead of having that one special person in your life whom you get to know extremely well, coupled with getting laid every week and weekend night you desire, a trade has now been made.

A hot and fast fling lasting several weeks–possibly several months–followed by dry-spells which seem to last upwards of 6-12 months.

Is this better?

Worse?

You decide.

I’m just the bearer of facts.

Maybe you’re one of the few that none of this data applies to. If so, keep doing what you’re doing!

One thing this does mean though is that there is probably even less competition than you initially thought.

Close to none.

As always, It’s worse than you think.

Pour Conclure

The millennial generation has ditched a regular sexual frequency with one partner for sporadic, short bursts of sexual pleasure with different partners, followed by depressingly long dry streaks.

While we like to imagine that the young folks of today are ‘bumpin’ uglies’ with everyone they meet, that’s probably just a select minority in the spotlight of all the drama.

So if you like regular sex, a girlfriend or boyfriend might be your answer.

Pro Tip: You probably won’t find your perfect partner on Tinder. Just sayin’.

But if you’re the lone wolf type, just remember, most people haven’t gotten laid in 6+ months, so you’re bound to make someones day if you stay persistent.

Just be sure to make use of your dating apps and approach every hottie you see on the street.

You’ll probably be the most exciting thing that’s happened to them in quite awhile.

Have fun out there.

Your Pal,

Luke

Is hooking up bad for us once we have stopped hooking up???

I am not here to belabor the “sinful repugnance” of hookup culture as our grandparents or parents might. Kids these days…. Nor am I here to bemoan a bygone era of dates to the soda shoppe and nice boys asking permission to court a man’s daughter. They are over and there is no point whining about yesteryear.

Yet, we have to ask ourselves, is hookup culture “bad” for us?

Something like 70% of college students will experience a casual sexual encounter during college. Why? It is fun. It is exciting. It is hip. Who does not want to feel desired?Hookup culture can be empowering. It is a chance to experience a diverse array of sexual situations with many different partners. Casual sex can be a great way to try new things like toys and positions. It is a chance to learn good communication skills and better express ourselves in vulnerable situations. It can increase sexual aptitude. But it can also hurt us when feelings arise and human decency is absent from purely physical encounters.

Sure there are some negative ramifications for those who invest in and participate wholeheartedly in the endless buffet of sexual encounters that permeate college campuses. Yet, there were negative components to dating in 1950 and courting in 1850 and arranged marriages in 1500. It is therefore silly to assume that there are no consequences to whatever mating style we are experiencing this century. But what I want to discuss is how the ghosts of hookup culture follow us out of the dorm rooms and into the adult world. What happens when we are tired of meaningless sexual encounters and actually want real monogamy??? How does the hookup culture influence the dating choices we make long after we have left the frat basements???

Everyone’s sexual experiences are different. For some it is a chance to explore their sexualities in a way that is vulnerable, empowering, and fun. For a lot of millennials, they feel that sex should not always be confined to committed relationships. Sometimes they just want sex. For fun.

Hookup culture does not always create baggage, sometimes we enter hookup culture with our own baggage and that correlation does not equal causation.

However, I am not saying that all hookups are great sexual experiences where both the man and woman orgasm, high five and then get dressed and go on their merry ways, grinning ear to ear with that post sex glow and a sense of liberation. Hookup culture does not always stay in hookup culture, and that sometimes its baggage can follow participants into their next relationships.

  1. There is a strong correlation between hookup culture and women who say “men ain’t shit” 

Sometimes hookup culture breeds a sense of mistrust between genders. Hookup culture is meant to be “carefree” and “easy” and “fun” right? Yet it often ends up turning men and women against each other after the initial thrill wears off and reality starts to set in. Sometimes women learn from hookup culture that all men want is sex and men learn that all women are “hoes.” This carries into later life stages when people actually want to date and marry and settle down, but they find that those feelings of resentment and mistrust still exist. In college, hookup culture is easy because it is assumed that almost everyone is interested in the same thing, meaningless sex, but now that that is no longer the case how can you decipher who wants more and who is still in it for the physical?

Likewise, hookup culture is not really about compassion or respect, it is in fact pretty selfish. It is sometimes about meeting your own needs and getting in and out quickly with very little regard to other people’s feelings. Too often it is a direct negation of feelings and a deliberate effort to diminish and underestimate encounters. Most of the time people get ignored and treated poorly for the sake of maintaining the image that it was all “meaningless.” It is easy to see how these sentiments might breed a sense of mistrust between genders if you spent years of college life, and perhaps beyond, getting treated like a masturbation toy or being ignored by people whom had seen you naked and vulnerable, even if that is what was preferred at the time.

2. Hookup culture is kind of cold…

Hookup culture can antagonize feelings, attachment and even basic human kindness in favor of no-strings attached, meaningless, casual, carefree sex where feelings are the enemy. The logic behind hookup culture goes something like this: if relationships are about mutual respect, kindness, empathy, compassion, meaning and selflessness, in order to make sure that a hookup remains the meaningless antithesis of a relationship it must be devoid of all of those things. In fact just so everyone is clear how meaningless and truly casual a hookup is, it must be disrespectful, unkind, apathetic, disinterested, meaningless, and selfish, lest anyone mistake a hookup for something more. This might work well for those in the college arena who are merely looking for sex and are not interested in a relationship at the time, but let us not believe that this is an attitude that can just be dropped once the diploma is in hand.

Hookup culture can teach and prepare participants to treat sex like NBD and therefore the people they have sex with are NBD. Hookup culture sometimes encourages participants to turn a blind eye to the humanity of the people they get with. They are just mediums of pleasure and nothing more. Men become susceptible to actions and attitudes that objectify and demean women, while women adopt attitudes of suppressing feelings, fearing commitment, not standing up for themselves and treating their partners with aloof indifference. This is a hard cycle to break and I can see why. It is difficult to go from training one’s self to treat sex with a blase approach to experiencing it as a meaningful, loving component to commitment.

3. Hookup culture creates bad habits 

Hook up culture is actually a lot like porn. It is addictive. it is cheap. And most of all it creates unrealistic expectations. I am legitimately worried how I am going to keep the sexual attention of my future husband/monogamous partner knowing that like most of our generation he probably engaged in the hookup culture. How can I, as one woman, possibly keep a man’s interest sexually who spent years of college and young adulthood getting sex from different women. Even if I am 100000x better in bed I still cannot replace the thrill of the chase or the thrill that comes with conquering a “new woman.” How can I expect to hold his attention if the alternative to monogamy and real relationships is the addictive, ever-thrilling pursuit of new pussy that was encouraged of him in his youth?

It is positively daunting and can set up both genders to ultimately fail.  You just cannot replace the excitement of not knowing who you are going to end up in bed with no matter how great the relationship, and that is why so many people in long term relationships seek how to “keep things spicy.” Likewise, women often partake in hookup culture for the thrill of being chosen and desired by many different men, something that is not a component of monogamy. It is an aphrodisiac in itself to be picked out of a crowd of other young, hot people. This element of hooking up can create boredom or anxiety in monogamous relationships later down the road, no matter how great the relationship is.

Also, lots of hookup culture hinges off of comparison in a lot of ways. Men compare the hotness of conquests. Women compare dick size. Men compare how good she gave head. Blah blah blah. When hookup culture enthusiastically encourages as many partners as possible it is impossible for there not to be an element of physical comparison. Especially when sex is meant to be casual and shallow, there is little else to base the encounter off of besides appearance and sexual aptitude.

There is also an external social aspect of hookup culture that happens exclusively between friends in which swapping details of last night’s sordid affair makes for great conversation. It is a part of the culture to sit at brunch with your friends and giggle over what happened and who did who and how good so and so was and hot she was and yaddah yah. Yet, when comparison takes center stage this can be damaging to how individuals view sex later on in life. It can be intimidating to be in bed with a man or women that has been in a lot of other people’s beds. “How will I compare?” or “how will they compare?” becomes a hugely daunting question riddled with insecurity and anxiety.

Likewise, sex is bound to be less enjoyable for someone who has trained their perception of sex to be all about comparison. Someone who has been with a lot of people cannot help but continue to rank and compare and analyze the skills and attributes of the person lying naked next to them, and that can have a negative impact on their sex life even after they are in a relationship and there is no one left to compare to.

So what’s the verdict?

I am not here to rag on hooking up, it is an intrinsic part of our dating/mating culture now and has its merits. In most ways “it is what it is” and there is no point in whining about the good old days. But it is also naive to pretend that it is all good either, or that hooking up is always some milestone of progress for sexual liberation and empowerment. There are a lot of negative aspects and corruption that comes into play when a culture revolves around meeting only your own needs.

I get it Millennials are busy getting their lives together and hooking up seems like an effortless way to meet your own needs while also having fun, but without the rigidity of commitment. Yet, it is important to understand the impact of these seemingly “careless” and ‘carefree” sexual experiences and remember that they can influence us long after the next morning’s hangover.

*Check out this Ted Talk on the “benefits” of hookup culture. I feel like many of the perceived benefits were fleeting, short-termed, misrepresented and did little to outweigh the cons, although she presents the cons as barely more than nuisances (STDs and unwanted pregnancies and broken hearts). I am honestly shocked that some PhD advisor passed this as legit research let alone sound advice to young people.

Good luck,

Ellie xx

Happy Cuffing Season!

Don’t let yourself get caught single this time of year…

It is that time of year again. Time for pumpkin spice lattes and fall foliage and slutty Halloween Costumes empowered women dressing in ways that exude confidence and feminine sexuality, and of course dropping your summer fling like its hot.

The lazy, hazy days of summer have now passed us. We are now drifting into the time of year when cuddling with bae by an open fire suddenly sounds far more appealing than a steamy hookup after a beach party bacchanal.

For those of us unfamiliar with the dating seasons of the millennial calendar allow me to introduce cuffing season. Summer flings are over and it is time to nail down a partner for the always romantic cooler months of the year. Sure a pumpkin patch with the gals is fun enough, but wouldn’t it better if there was a special someone to hold your mitten-covered hand as you strolled through throngs of preschoolers smashing pumpkins? Wouldn’t the holidays be much more enjoyable with a bae to take to family events so they can stop harassing you about settling down? Who are you going to drink mulled cider with after a long day in the crisp, cool air??? What is NYE without a special person to toast the new year with and enjoy a midnight kiss????

let’s be honest, these holidays were not made for single people, in fact they often mock single people. Mistletoe? Couple Costumes? What the hell am I suppose to be thankful for if I am alone on Thanksgiving???? What is Christmas without an expensive gift from a beau that you can exchange for store credit later on???? Valentines’s Day is often referred to as SAD or Singles Awareness Day….You get my point.

This time of year comes with couplings that change just as quickly as the leaves do and soon those summer hookups are ready to be replaced with their cuddling, monogamous counterparts.Even the baddest bitches and the most serial fuckboys are ready to accept commitment during this time. Something about the changing of the seasons makes us want to settle down and depart from our promiscuous ways even if it is just for a few months.

Now that I have everyone’s hearts beating a bit faster and their cheeks just a little flushed, welcome to cuffing season. It is time to get cuffed to the season’s latest fling for the months of October- March before you dump their ass for a spring fling. But hurry or else all the good ones are going to be taken and you don’t want to still be on the prowl come Veterans Day when everyone else has coupled off to enjoy their 3 day weekend in the warm embrace of their lover and you are left to help mom and dad put up their Christmas lights.

So what is a young millennial to do? How/Where do I find bae? What do you look for in a cuffing mate?

1. Bae doesn’t need to last the year, they just need to suffice for a few months, so don’t set your expectations too high. He just needs to be polite to mom and grandma, know how to decorate a tree and have an affinity for horror films. All other attributes are just bonuses.

2. Fuckbuddies are so last season. Now it is all about cuddlebuddies. If you want to maximize your cuddle experience I recommend the dad bod. He will have more cushion for you to rest your head on and will not guilt you into working out when you should be knocking back eggnog and eating a healthy dozen of grandma’s xmas cookies.

3. The dating apps are a pretty reliable source of eager young beta males ready to hold your hand on Candy Cane Lane and buy you the dreamiest Christmas gifts. He is also willing to do all the sappy, cheesy stuff with you that a fuckboi would have zero interest in. The way to find these desperate betas is easy, namely because most men turn into one this time of year anyways. What can i say the spirit of the holidays is infectious. Ask all your matches if they want to go to a pumpkin patch or a tree lighting ceremony or whatever holiday bullshit. Ugly Christmas Sweater parties are also good. Just remember that while summer was for hookups and one night stands, cuffing season is for mushy activities that last week’s no-strings-attached-fuckbuddy would not be interested in.

4. If you are a guy, avoid the party girls for a while. Don’t worry they will still be there when winter thaws into bikini season and mini skirts start showing up again (okay fine they were there the whole time). In the mean time, cuffing season is about finding “good girls” to bring home to mom so that your parents don’t think you’re a player who will never ever settle down and give them grandchildren. You need to assuage their anxiety for a brief few months with a nice girl who doesn’t hate her dad.

5. Another note for men, this is a good time to get some seasonal work. While the cuddling and Netflix as chestnuts roast on the open fire might sound like a breather for your wallet, expensive holiday events, Christmas presents and Valentines’s Day will be a burden on the ol’ budget. Be sure to not spend too much though. Remember she is gonna be gone by March anyways.

6. For both genders, gifts should stay in the under 20$ range. Don’t waste your money on someone that is gonna be old news by the time President’s Day rolls around. Also, lavish gifts wreak of “catching feelings” and “desperation” something that is to be avoided during this season. Remember, your beau is not meant to be long term, so don’t treat them like a long-term investment. You are just here for the corn mazes and the admiration of pleasantly surprised relatives who thought you were going to die alone.

Best of luck out there! I hope you all find your flannel-adorned hottie to snuggle up with this cuffing season! Most importantly remember to not catch feelings with your temporary fling! While the mistletoe and romantic renditions of “All I want for Christmas is You” might persuade you otherwise, just remember that nobody wants to be attached come bring break and this hoe is only going to hold you back.

Good luck,

Ellie xx

Do Chicks Dig Jerks Part 2

your cliche “bad boy”

I would like to add a female perspective to the rousing debate of whether or not women really do like bad boys and if so do nice guys in fact finish last??

Allow me to answer this as simplistically and eloquently as possible.

yes.
and yes.

We have zero interest in a push-over of a man who hopes that if he can just call us pretty or get the check at dinner we might bless him with a view of our tits.
Dating should not be a charity case alright?

Nice guys might be “nice” but they are not alluring or exciting or dangerous. Where is the thrill in “nice” ?

Apparently women have masochistic dating tendencies where they would much rather get fucked over by a jerk with a bad attitude than suffer through a date with a man who loves his mother and opens the door for her.

Men often bemoan this illogical predisposition of women. And frankly I get it. I would be frustrated too if I had spent my whole life trying to be nice to women, because duh morals, and then end up finding out that she wants a jerk instead. And what’s worse is that women will complain about the jerk incessantly. She will cry over this guy for years, but still run back to his lying, cheating, bitch- ass over and over again. I would be cynical towards women too if I too thought my two choices in life were to either be “the nice guy” who can’t score, or some sort of despot with zero respect for bitches.

But as a women myself, I feel like this is a cliché that needs some unpacking, not just for men, but for women as well. Because lets be honest, there is some truth to this. Girls do like bad boys and run from the so-called “nice guys.”

What is the problem with being “nice” you ask?

Women don’t really have a problem with guys who are nice, like yes please by all means open doors for me, treat me with respect, give me complements, but that CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be the way that you show initial affection or interest. A guy who shows his interest in a woman by simply being nice is boring as fuck. And we don’t want it. The guy who spends the first date telling you that you look pretty and bringing you flowers is predictable and lacks excitement. Any man can open a door. It is generic. You think you’ve done something meaningful and no other man can offer the same?

Are you following me?

“Niceness” is not the problem. The problem is men who think that being nice is enough. That “niceness” is deserving and entitled to ass or attention. Or that niceness is enough to warrant attraction. Wrong.

What is it about jerks that is so dreamy???

Yet, It is not that we want someone who is gonna treat us like dirt. Obviously I am not a masochist who cant wait to be with a guy that ignores me, cheats on me, is rude to me, and cannot commit. The idea of the bad boy as an aphrodisiac stems from a need for a thrill. Girls want a little bit of an adrenaline rush, hence why we love drama so damn much. Also:

  1. mystery surrounding an enigmatic, rebellious man
  2. confidence is sexy (even though its probably arrogance)
  3. jerks exude charm and charisma to get what they want
  4. knowing what they want and going after a woman is HOTTT
  5. the feeling that any love worth having should be earned
  6. the sexual tension that accompanies trying to beat a player at their own game
  7. the sexual tension that accompanies a man who cant be deciphered
  8. women love a broken man that they can “fix”
  9. a flawed man gives a woman something to work on and pursue
  10. the rush of emotions that accompanies being with a jerk, such as frustration, confusion, and excitement is an addictive thrill

Women like a little bit of the chase that accompanies being with someone that is just out of grasp. We like the drama that comes with “will he, or wont he” and the inevitable thrill of trying to lock down a man who just does not want to be locked now.  At the end of the day we really just want to be pursued by a man whom we thought was unattainable. Yes, we like the drama and the thrill and the rush of emotions that comes with a “bad boy,” yet the thrill does in fact wear off. The truth of the matter is that if you truly are that jerk you might get pussy for a while, but girls won’t stick around forever. At some point we will learn to respect ourselves, get the hell over you and go for someone who treats us better, even if it is a “nice guy”. Do not mistake that arrogance and bullying will land you endless pussy.

Okay, so if being “nice” is a turn off and morals still matter, how should men behave???

If I am being honest i think that many a man has lost the art of the flirt in this generation. Where is the teasing? The witty banter? The rapid-fire back and forth? That is the stuff that stokes the embers of the slow burn! Women want to be teased! That roguish sense of reckless abandon and self- sufficiency is the secret ingredient in the “jerk” or the “bad boy” that gets women hot and bothered, and why women yawn when a man puts all his romantic hopes in opening doors and being merely polite.

Flirting should always error on the opposite side of polite. Polite is boring. Manners are boring. You know what is not? Teasing. Witty banter. Heated discussions. Testing the boundaries that women actually want you to test. We want you to cross the line and say something bold, or act rashly, or take charge. It demonstrates strength. Be a little controversial. Do not ask for permission. A man who acts with unabashed confidence is the one women want.

This is inter-connected with what my friend, Luke explained in his post on the subject. He makes the claim that what girls like about so-called jerks is their strength, both mentally and physically. It is not their sinful ways that get women excited. It is that they go after what they want and are not dependent upon the fickle whims of others to fulfill their needs. They are masculine brutes who do not beg. They do not ask for permission. They do. They act. They look out for themselves and their best interests and they hold their own. Women are interested in men who look out for their own needs and by association her needs, not a man who hopes for handouts.

The thing a woman most desires in a man is his strength, whether that be self-assurance, physical strength, strength of characters, fortitude, confidence, and/or the feelings of security she feels with him. These are the masculine traits in which she is attracted to and ones which her desire for him hinge upon.

When a man puts a woman on a pedestal he relinquishes his power, the one thing a woman is attracted to in him.

This element of strength is what is missing from a man that feels somehow entitled to a woman because he showed some bottom-feeder kindness. When a man acts out of hopeful “niceness” it can wreak of desperation, a scent that women are repulsed by.

Women want to be dominated, not in a cruel, subordinate sort of way, but in a masculine, strong, controlling sort of way that has her best interests at heart. When a man does not demonstrate strength, women subconsciously interpret this as a lack of dominance. They see that he will not dominate them in the way they desire to be. Technically the opposite of dominance in a man is desperation. He is either dominant or desperate. The two are mutually exclusive.

Now for the ladies screaming at their computer screens with indignant rage that I promote such an idea as dominance in any other area besides BDSM, hear me out.

There is a huge difference between a male that dominates women out of controlling, manipulative insecurity and a man who takes charge and demonstrates strength in his relationship and always makes decisions with his woman’s best interests at heart. That is the true difference, it is really whether he had her best interests at heart or not when he takes control. This is what women truly want and are attracted to.

You know that sit-com trope of the nagging wife who bosses her dead beat husband around? Well, pro tip here but that is not a healthy relationship and it is not at all what women are interested in. We want to be able to trust our partners to take control, but to do so in a respectful way that manages our best interests and those of the relationship. We do not want to be the bosses! We do not want to nag or be bossy! Only one person can be dominant at a time in a relationship, and if a woman has to be dominant it means her man is lacking the very qualities that draw her to him.

Treat her well, but DO NOT make her your whole world

Men looking to woo and seduce women, Do: treat her well, with respect and kindness and affection. Do NOT: make her your world. Frankly women do not want to be a man’s world.They just want to exist in it. Women want to be let into your personal, private world. They want to be made privy to a space that you have not let other women into. That is what makes us feel special and unique and desired, but we do not want to be your whole world. We want to cheer for you and encourage you, but making a woman the focal point of your existence is a good way to scare one off. It says to the woman that I have no other life goals or priorities in my life, and her, knowing full well that that is a pathetic life achievement, will become skeptical of your strength and therefore your attractiveness.

This is the secret sauce that jerks know and nice guys fail at. A nice guy is desperate enough to make a woman his whole world, while a so-called jerk never puts all his eggs in the basket of one woman.

So what is the takeaway?

The thing about “jerks” that chicks dig so much is their strength and their confidence, their sense of self that dissuades them from timid gestures and polite conversation and instead emboldens them to take charge and act with entitled recklessness. This is the man that will keep a woman holding on and coming back for more.

Good luck,

Ellie x

Do Chicks Dig Jerks?

You’ve seen it all before.

The band dork who has to conceal his boners in class everytime the seating chart puts him right next to Sexy Samantha.

The beads of sweat that form upon his upper lip when she asks him what the teacher said, or if she can borrow a pen.

And that nervous smile he sheepishly cracks at 6’3″ Football Quarterback Chad as he watches Sexy Samantha hop on the back of his motorcycle after school–even after listening to her moan in class about what an asshole he his!

What the hell?

“So is it true? Do chicks really dig jerks?”

Do they prefer the fuckboi who texts them “u up?” at 1 am on a Friday night instead of Eagle Scout Andy who would do all her homework in a heartbeat, and make her a duct tape rose to boot?

While on the surface it may appear that, “acting like a jackass,” is what is at work here, something else is at play.

Let’s take a closer look.

At the end of the day, all of our biology and behavior is driven towards reproduction.

Women’s bodies are specifically designed to give birth to and subsequently care for children.

Their equipped with additional fat stores to tide them over during a pregnancy alongside two oddly attractive milk jugs that will keep any baby well fed, even in the harshest of winters.

And men?

They’re born with testosterone levels that are significantly higher than their female counterparts: increased levels of muscle mass, a preference for riskier behavior, and of course their most beloved desire to stick their phallus inside any woman who is willing.

“So what’s this got to do with chicks, ‘digging jerks’?”

Everything.

In ancient times, if a woman became pregnant, she risked her entire livelihood to carry the pregnancy to term.

Possible depiction of an ancient mating ground.

She’d be vulnerable, unable to care for herself at times (especially as she got closer and closer to birth), and most likely in need of protection and resources from another individual.

And what better protector than someone who has higher levels of muscle mass, goes after what they want, and selfishly believes their desires are more important?

A nice guy?

Nope.

Chad.

“Wait a minute, wouldn’t she prefer Eagle Scout Andy who’d do anything she’d ask, versus 6’3″ Chad who’s just using her for sex?” 

That’s what you’d think.

But since her sexual attraction is driven by these primal desires–who’d be a better provider–she opts for Chad.

If selfish Chad had impregnated her, she would rest assured that his selfish desire to get what he wants–i.e. protecting her and gathering resources to ensure the safety and birth of his future child–would be far more effective than Nice Guy Nathan who gets pushed around and does what anyone else says.

“So they do dig jerks!”

Not exactly.

This dichotomy never was between jerks and nice guys.

That’s just what it appears to be.

It’s between strong men and weak men.

And not necessarily physical strength either.

Rather, it is because strong men make women feel safe and secure.

So in a sense, you can still be a friendly guy, but you must also be strong.

The definition of a “Nice Guy”–the one we all think about–is someone who only behaves in a nice manner because they want to be liked by everybody and likewise not have anyone think badly about them.

A firsthand account of a girl rejecting the helping hands of “nice guys.”

Is this you?

If so, it’s time to unchain yourself from the shackles of “nice-itis.”

Don’t make the mistake that acting fearful and weak-minded makes you “nice.”

Returning to our story…

A man who unapologetically goes after what he wants (Chad) is demonstrating to women that, if he impregnated her, he would do whatever it takes to make sure she and his baby would be safe.

By the same token, Nice Guy Nathan is illustrating that he’ll let others walk all over him and let them get what they want before he does.

In layman’s terms: his “nice” behavior is intuitively letting women know that if she gets impregnated by him, he will most likely NOT do whatever it takes to take care of what’s his–her and the baby.

Food shortage? You best believe Nathan will be the last in line. But not Chad.

Recession? Nathan’s unemployed. Chad owns a business.

Sinking ship? Chad and his family are already on the lifeboat. Nathan gave up his seat.

While women don’t consciously come to this conclusion, they believe it.

They’ll most likely say something along the lines of, “He isn’t my type.”

Or, “He’ll meet a nice and sweet girl one day and make her happy, but I just see him as a friend.” 

“So is that all there is to it? Act strong?” 

There is one last important element in this game.

A man’s sense of entitlement.

“Er.. what?”

The way a man treats a woman ultimately reveals what he thinks about himself and her.

In other words, if he is treating her like a princess and worships the ground she walks on, she’ll most likely think he is of lower value than her.

She’ll wonder, “If he’s so great, why is he going to such great lengths to please me?”

“Clearly, he must be below me, right?”

By the same token, if he treats her like she’s no big deal, then he is demonstrating that he is of higher or equal value to her.

“He only got me a Snickers bar for my birthday!? Is it  because he could do better than me??”

“I better stay with him!!”

Make sense?

No?

Human Sexuality 101.

Stay tuned for more.

Your Pal,

Luke

How to Tell if you just got Lucky or you are Actually a Total Stud

Congrats you just scored last night. You have a bad bitch in your bed and you are feeling like a total stud right about now. But wait.

How do you know whether it was you and your endless charisma, defined jawline and impeccable humor, or if you just got lucky? Did she see you from across the room one moment and the next she is wondering what happened to her clothes? Did she leave the house with a plan to get laid that night, or were you a great force of testosterone she just couldn’t deny? Was it your dick she wanted, or would any dick have satisfied? Here are the questions to ask yourself:

1. Are her legs shaved? I am talking freshly shaved, smooth as a baby’s ass. If so she probably shaved hours earlier with the intention of a man’s touch.

2. Is her whole body shaved? You know what I am talking about. Now I don’t mean she got a bikini wax a week ago, I mean are their red bumps because she just shaved that night and was in a hurry to do so??

3. What kind of underwear is she wearing? Lacy or cotton brief? Thong or saggy, beige monstrosity? Does her underwear match? This is probably the most telltale sign. If her bra and underwear match ding ding she got dressed with the intention that someone else would be doing the undressing. However, if you are a man you might not have a clear idea of what a matching set is. Let me make this simple. If she is wearing a black bra with black underwear, it’s matching. If she is wearing a hot pink bra with black underwear that is not matching.

4. Does her outfit allow for easy access? What I mean is not whether she is wearing a dress with no underwear (although that is probably a telltale sign right there) But like is she wearing spanx or biker shorts under neither? A complex romper with thirteen buttons and a padlock on the zipper? All of the following are difficult to remove and are not worn with the intention to be effortlessly flung from her body in a heated moment of passion. Unlike men, women do not just throw on any old thing. What they wear is very intentional and comes with a complex thought process. A cute outfit to go out with friends is very different from what Beyonce calls a “freakum dress.”

5. Is she wearing a padded bra? No woman wears that for any other reason than to lure a man’s gaze. Although she might not be too forward thinking, because once he gets that bra under closer inspection its all gonna be a hoax when those D’s are really A’s.

6. Did she come prepared?? You know what I am talking about. I mean is that black-hole-of-a-purse of her’s stocked with all the necessities. Condoms? Tooth brush? Extra pair of panties? Phone charger?

7. Is she wearing perfume? This is a bit tricky because she might have worn it as a part of her dressing up routine. However since perfume is not visual, it means she intended on being close to someone and not merely a beautiful woman whom you saw from across the room. Perfume is worn with the intention of seduction in the closest vicinity.

8. What did she eat before hand? If you were with her when she was eating what did she choose to eat? Was it a taco or a salad? A woman who is planning to have sex later on does not want to be bloated and will choose her meal carefully.

9. Does she smell clean? Is her breath fresh? Such are indicators of getting up close and personal with someone. I am not merely referring to whether she brushed her teeth that morning or if she washed her hair in the last few days, I am talking about whether she made a recent attempt at being extra clean such as brushing her teeth in the last hour or taking a breath mint. These all mean she came prepared.

10. If you are in a group setting and her friends are present, do they seem surprised that she is leaving with you? Girls gossip and gas one another up, and so if she wanted to get laid that night you better know that all her friends knew about it and that they won’t be surprised when they see her head home with you. On the contrary, if they did not know about it expect some confusion, darting glances and furtive questions being asked before she slinks away with you. Girl groups are like KGB body guards and trust me they will notice you leaving with her and they will want to know what’s up. Pro tip: There will be giggling.

11. Does she have somewhere to be in the morning? If you’ve been chatting with her and she mentions that she has somewhere to be in the morning and sex has not even become an option, she was not planning on winding up in your sheets. But if she seems without hesitation to stay up all night with you and there is no mention of any activities she must dart off to in the morning, then she planned it that way and she planned on doing you.

Men often make the assumption that they are big studs by wooing a woman into bed with them, however if she meets any of the above criteria it was her who planned on getting laid and you just happened to be in the right place at the right time you lucky dawg. Women have needs too you know, and it all depends on whether you are in the crossfire when she does. She probably woke up that morning and thought “tonight I am getting some dick” and proceeded to shave her legs and pick out sexy underwear.

Men need to understand that sex might be initiated by them, but it is chosen by a woman. If she does not want to get fucked, no amount of coy humor and well-coiffed hair or sensuous cologne is going to persuade her otherwise. Once again, I think Beyonce said it best when she said “my persuasion can build a nation” and she was not wrong.

Unless you are in a relationship with your sexual partner, you for sure just got lucky. No it was not your “game” or suave technique in impressing women, you just happened to be in the vicinity of a woman who wanted to get laid. Perhaps she had many choices to choose from and she chose you, great. But it was still all on her terms and had a lot more to do with how horny she was that night, or if she wanted to get back at her ex, or what have you, and a lot less about your manly musk.

good luck,
Ellie xx